Daveportivo's Cultural Evaluation Facility

Music, Politics, Flim, Books and TV all shall be reviewed within.

Album number Three is.....

Johnny Truant – No Tears For The Creatures

Ah well I’m immediately out of my element as we appear to be dealing with husky shouty grunt metal but that’s the whole point of this little experiment. Opener the Grotesque kicks the album off nicely, with some fast drumming and some nice variations on the fundamental guitar line. The vocals aren’t bad but to the untrained ear seem to lack the character or tone of a Corey, Heptfield, Dickenson or even Flynn. The track powers along very nicely until a rather unimaginative break down with long screams and slower guitar and the song rather limps to a conclusion, still not a bad opener.

Death Rides is a real head banger or mild nodder (seeing as I’m sitting with a laptop on my lap). There’s a brilliant elasticity to the guitar line that opens the track and the drumming fast and frantic it sounds almost as though it’s chasing you and gaining fast. The conclusion is strong with the guitars droning like a kind of outer spacial interference, the only down note really is the vocals that sound unimaginative, it’s all rather been there, done that, chose not to buy the T-Shirt at the time and is still very comfortable with that decision.

The vocals pick up more so on Last Arms of The Apocalypse adding urgency to the record and sounding like the yelp of Enter Shikari when their tracks are kicking in overdrive (that’s the non shit bit in their songs). Apocalypse is also one of the longer offerings on this record, and it’s better for it, the guitars and drumming patterns switch up nicely and they seem to have plenty of ideas. Lets hope they haven’t shot their load to soon.

Widower is a more generic affair but none the less urgent and to the point. The guitar work is great if not overly original, it sounds like your running through a maze and a dragon is chasing you and your forced out of panic with guitar spike to take an ill considered turn. It’s only 1:49 and that’s a very smart decision by the band as the track thrives on the rush, sounds like a smart choice for a single or double A side to me.

Crush and Devour lyrically doesn’t seem to match up with the guitar line for the first three minutes but it has been smartly constructed so after some unimpressive but sweet sounding guitar wankery one big screaming chorus comes in and the drums and guitars pound and punish there way to an excellent conclusion, the listen has been beaten to a pulp and is ready to be devoured, and for sixty seconds they loved it.

As the album approaches its midway point it could really do with a change in pace or delivery, but it doesn’t arrive instead In Alcoholia delivers one decent idea on guitar stretch out over five minutes. The lead singer also seems to only have one gear, and has shown little in the way of subtly. Dead Ship Sinking does little to shake this assertion, the guitar work is nice and rather retro in places and the drummer does a superb job of merely keeping up. The vocalist is really letting the team down however, he could really do with learning from Frank Carter, Gallows have a more stripped down punk sound but Frank tends to scream his lungs out too, but Frank’s timing is excellent and complement the accompanying music really well and often follows or introduces movements in the music. Johnny Truant just seems to scream generically with little sense of what’s going on around him, except for the customary and thoroughly played out giant grunt leading into a guitar slow down. With precious little tonal variety or intuition from the lead singer you can’t help but feel there is a lot of wasted effort from his talented band mates on tracks that rage beyond the four minute mark. His band mates tend to produce three or four creative ideas and changes up per track unfortunately for them the vocalist can’t come up with even one more idea across eleven tracks.

The worst sins of the vocalist are most evident on Fog Lights, the band start slow with the guitars creating image of a sandstorm slowing blowing left to right before going into an apocalyptic guitar riff however this guitar work which sounds total unique from the rest of the album is lost when the singer burst in with the same old shit, I mean seriously swap the vocal track with track one would anyone even notice? If only Corey Taylor had a chance to sing over this track you just know he’d nail it. The guitar work is really pleasant with euphoric moments, Arabic moments and of course there’s plenty a brutal beating to go around and only the refrain of “Where Is Heaven” by the lead singer really fits the track. The guitar track blends seamlessly into closer The Weeping, Wailing, And The Gnashing Of Teeth, the vocalist is back with the “Wraaah-Wah” Enter Shakiri style vocals which just seem totally inappropriate. The windy sounds again pick up in this track and it feels like a part two of an epic created by the previous track. Man the tracks really sound good when there’s no singing, even when it’s a more striped down guitar part. The singer just in time for the albums closer has nearly uncovered what a melody is but of course he gives up, shouting is much easier after all. “What does it mean for us to live” the lead singer bellows as this two piece final salvo reaches its final refrain. I have to say were I ordering this album I’d take this double salvo and stick them smack bang in the centre of the album and make it a take it or leave it epic centre piece where it can have real impact. It really needed to have been put out there before the vocals had become stale and would have help give the album a much needed breather and change of pace in the middle.

Overall Thoughts: The guitar work certainly deserves compliment, while its not Evile in terms of difficulty its very creative and hopes across several genres of metal and regular rock and indie (just sped up a bit) and the drumming never lets up. I’ve ranted and raved enough about the vocals which do add a certain visceral zip to the shorter tracks but just doesn’t have the required tonal changes ups to match the ever changing moods of the guitar and drum work its a real shame, because this isn’t far off being a very good album. Doctor Dave’s prescription: sack your singer while you have the chance. Otherwise your doomed to play second fiddle to Killswitch Engage, Alexisonfire and ugh...Enter Shikari.

One final pointer for Johnny Truant; less is more, sure no one likes boring repetitive tracks but just because you have 50 ideas and only ten tracks of space on an album doesn’t mean you should you should cram everything you can possible think of into each track. Plenty of potential, in need of some polish and a good sieving.
(***1/2)

Tracks To Download: Fog Lights, The Weeping, The Wailing and The Gnashing Of Teeth, Widower, Last Arms Of The Apocalypse

Gareth’s Professional Opinion:

Johnny Truant is a British metal core band hailing from Brighton on the south coast of merry old England. No Tears for the Creatures is the third album to be released by the band, being released last month in the U.K and awaiting a September release in the United States.
From the opening track, The Grotesque, the bands sound is one of uncompromising and richly diverse influences. With guttural vocals that fluctuate between hardcore and death metal, resulting in the band being seen as one of the new wave of deathcore bands by some, there’s infact far more going on here beneath the service to simply pigeonhole this band. The band themselves cite classic bands such as Botch, Cave In, Will Haven, Poison the Well and even Neurosis and death metal pioneers Immolation. With all that in mind it’s really no surprise that the end result is an album that fluctuates between full on, in your face metal, brutal hardcore, and often incredibly beautiful and thoughtful melodic hooks. Maybe the band won’t win any awards for being experts in their respective musical fields, but the drumming is certainly superb, whilst the guitars are well arranged, perfectly complimenting the range of the vocalist. What I love about this band is the way they can go from a really sick hook that sounds like a bomb going off in your face, to moments of really touching melody with the guitars and drums that makes the screamed, growled vocals sound less like a man wanting to fight everyone and anyone, to being someone immensely aware of their own vulnerability, unaware to change the things that threaten them. But when this band do get going and are in full on groove metal mode, it’s foot tapping, head banging perfection.

The state of metal, hardcore and punk has been lambasted by some for tis lack of depth over the last few years. These are certainly fair criticisms. Certainly some of this is down to nu-metal. The drive to recover from the butchery inflicted on the alternative music scene by this absolute slight on humanity has been slow. Nu Metal arguably put real metal back ten years. But the recovery is underway. Best of all, this band are British, and it’s one of the best albums you’re going to hear in metal this year. A classic in the making by a band who have to be watched.

Conclusion: One of my favourite metal albums of the last ten years. 9/10
Download: Death Rides, Crush and Devour, In Alcoholica, Dead Ships Sinking, Fog Lights

Monday Night Raw
Adamle is here! Ratings! And he's got classes how cute. He compares himself to monkey going from crap actor to great president, hmmn...arguable but a fine comparison. He says everyone makes mistakes, he says he wasn't a great announcer but people have to let that go, he admits to his mistakes. He's fumbling over his words, he references a WWE Forum topic saying he should retire immediately. He believes in the American Dream, no not Dusty Rhodes, he means a land where a midget like him can play at Running Back in the NFL. Anyway, he put Cole in a match last night to bring some unpredictability into the show. Adamle then polls the crowd and asks if they'd like to see 1, 2 or 3 title matches. It's three! Of course. Ted & Cody vs. Cena and Batista, big cheers.
JBL comes out and interupts to big heel heat, big "You suck" chant. He says he agrees images can be desceiving. JBL says everyone used to think he was a Beer Drinking Cowboy and now they know he's a multi millionare smart arse. He then says he's a fellow footballer and that Mike should put him in a Match with CM Punk at Summerslam.
Jericho runs out before Adamle can respone, Jericho gets a face pop, "HBK" chant, Jericho says he ended Micheals career and deserves a title shot. JBL says he beat Cena and Jericho just beat a man with one eye. JBL says he's not in the same league. Jericho says last time he beat JBL senseless, and that he's not in JBL's league he's in a league of his own. Adamle tells them to knock it off, he says the easy way out would be to make a three way, Adamle he says he doesn't do it the easy way he does it the right way. Mike Adamle says its gonna be a 2 on 1 handicap match, if JBL or Jericho get the pin, whoever does gets the match at summerslam, if CM Punk gets the pin neither does.
Well Adamle was anything but smooth but that's why we love him, it felt like a much fresher start than it would have been a few months ago, and the main events seem good.
[Ad Break]
WWE Intercontinental Title Match
Paul Burchill vs. Kofi Kingston
Burchill takes Kofi down and works his way to an arm wringer Kofi tries to kick and flip out but Burchill managers to keep a handle on him until Kofi kips up and gets a an arm drag. Burchill gets a matt slam, and Kofi comes back with a series of leapfrogs and a flying back elbow. Kofi then gets his corner ten punch, flip and shoulder block combo. Kofi tries to gets Katie Lea off the apron and walks into a swinging neckbreaker for two. Kofi gets a roll up for two. Snapmare and a face rake gets the momentum back in his favour. Burchill goes to a half chicken wing camel clutch but Kofi fights up with an arm drag, Kofi gets a couple of high impact strikes. Kofi gets a dropkick, flying forearm and a second rope crossbody gets two, the Boom Boom Boom leg drop and the Trouble In Paradise finish it off.
Fine little match up, too short for seemingly even matched characters, and a little clunky in places.
Kofi fights off Paul Burchill as Mickie James' music hits.
[Ad Break]
WWE Woman's Title Match
Katie Lea vs. Mickie James
We join this in progress as Mickie scores with a snapmare and a flying closeline. Mickie gets a weak mat slam, Mickie follows up with an awkward neck breaker and a seated dropkick. Katie bails but Mickie comes flying out of no where with a Lou Thez press. Mickie misses a blind charge because she's to emotional. Katie Lea gets a neckbreaker on the top rope and Mickie is selling like she's dead and Katie Lea celebrates and kicks out late, huh that was suprisingly dramatic. Katie Lea scores with a snapmare and a spinal tap, Katie Lea then locks in a bow and arrow lock, Mickie counters to a pin for two. Katie powers her to the corner but Mickie comes back with the Mickie-canranna. Mickie gets a running forarm, and the Mickie-neckbreaker gets two. Katie Lea comes back with a jaw breaker and a norhtern lights suplex for two. Katie Lea tells Mickie to get up and goes for her finish but Mickie counters with the Mickie-T for the win.
All kinds of sloppy in places but fast paced non-stop action alot of fun, again too short. (*1/4)
Beth Phenoix assualts Mickie after the match, Mickie tries to counter Beth's finisher but Beth nails it anyway and Santino comes out and claps. Beth pats his arse, Santino does a very sissy one of his own. They both showboat and walk off.
[Ad Break]
Mike Adamle is on the phone to Stephanie and he's thanking her on the oppurtunity and for the baby. Santino and Beth Phenoix are in his office. Santino and Beth think they both should have title matches at Summerslam. Mike says there's only one title shot left so they have to chose. They both pick themselves, Santino thinks he should win the woman's title because he easily could. Mike of course settles things with a tag match for both belts. Santino says its nice to have a fellow italian around "Mike Ada-Mar-Lay". Santino and Mike are gold.
We then go to a special look a John Cena ahead of Cena-Batista. Batista watches on backstage, he says he's happy he's getting a tag title shot, but not crazy about teaming with Cena. He says he'd rather have a world title at Summerslam but he'll happily beat Cena. He ends telling Cena to stay out of his way tonight.
[Ad Break]
Leyla is dancing, me likee. Noble says Leyla's number didn't work, and he says he'll take her out to the waffle house tonight. Jamie always gets beaten up and she doesn't associate with losers. back to live footage and Regal's music hits breaking up Leyla's dancing, making him the biggest heel in this household. Regal said he's gonna remind everyone who he is, he's our king. Jamie Noble runs out for a pull apart brawl as Leyla looks stunning at ringside, odd segment, but it's Leyla so I'm happy.
[Ad Break]
2 on 1 Handicap Number One Contendership Match
CM Punk vs. John Bradshaw Leyfield & Chris Jericho
The Y2J trousers are gone and JBL now wears Perry Saturn pants. It's definitely noticable that its a younger and trendier audience that are into Punk, but its still not a big pop. Mike Adamle appears on the big screen and says this match is alotted for ten minutes and then it becomes a triple threat and a count down clock is added.
JBL and Jericho argue and Punk jumps but is then slugged down. Moderate "CM Punk" chant. The heels score with a double shoulderblock. Punk hangs onto the ropes to avoid a double closeline. Jericho charges and is back body dropped over the top rope. JBL scores with a fallaway slam and gets two. JBL uses some unimaginitve brawling to work over CM Punk and then scores with a swinging neckbreaker for two. JBL tries to keep Jericho out of the match but ends up getting whipped into the steel steps. Jericho scores with a back suplex and a over shot senton for two and Jericho applies a variation of a chinlock, "CM Punk" chant, Punk however runs right into a kitchen sink and Jericho scores with a second rope fist drop for two. Jericho gets a body slam and heads up top. Punk catches him and goes for a superplex but he's shoved off and Jericho scores with a flying back elbow for two. Jericho goes to rest hold number two, that's the abdominal stretch if you didn't know. Punk breaks it with a hip toss. Punk scores with some knees but JBL comes in with a closeline from hell and Jericho and JBL argue over who should get the pin and they unload on each other. Punk rolls to the outside as JBL scores with a big boot. JBL rolls Punk back into the ring and Jericho scores with a lion sault before JBL breaks up the pin. Punk gets a spring board flying forearm on JBL and he blocks a bulldogg shooting Jericho off in between the ropes. Punk gets the corner high knee and bulldog on JBL, he tries it on Jericho but instead runs the heels into each other. Punk gets the Go 2 Sleep on JBL but Jericho breaks it up. Punk gets a snap powerslam on Jericho for two. Punk catapults Jericho into JBL and gets a roll up for a near fall, the crowd are going nuts. Jericho counters the Go 2 Sleep and locks in the Walls Of Jericho. Punk has 50seconds to hold on for. Jericho pulls Punk to the centre of the ring but JBL makes the save. Jericho gives JBL a jaw jacker and JBL falls ontop of Punk with three seconds to go for the win.
Well the ending was pretty contrived and the match started slow but really got the crowd going, the crowd were really into Punk. Punk still took a big beating for most of the match but actually got a decent chunk of offence in at the end, a sign that his push may be taken a bit more seriously. (**)
[Ad Break]
We reacap what Jericho did to HBK before we go to the live interview, big pop, HBK says there's been some damage to his inner eye. He says he'll have to talk to his doctor, but before Jericho pats himself on the back, but at the moment the injures are stacking up, he's been wrestling with broken ribs, a battered knee and his never ending back problems. On August 15th he has a re-evaluation of his eye injury, he will publically announce his future status. He says for the first time he's gonna listen to the doctors advice. If they tell him he can compete even on a limmited basis he will but if they say there's a risk to his sight, he's gonna call it day. He says he's love performing for the WWE universe but there's one thing he loves more his family. Jerich said maybe he should spend his time with his family while he can, and maybe he's right. Nice solumn segment.
[Ad Break]
Matt Striker is redubetting on Raw. For those of us who might not remember, he's Matt Striker and he's our teacher. He thanks Mike Adamle for letting him compete on the RAW brand. He rips on the uni. He says he's sure Mike Adamle will pick a good opponent to show off....BANG...its Kane.
Matt Striker vs. Kane
Kane blocks a kick and scores with a closeline. Kane is in a no selling mood. He catches Striker trying to slide underneath him and scores with an uppercut. Kane gets a corner closeline and a big side salto, Kane scores with the flying closeline and the Choke Slam for the win.
I like Striker, he's good on the mic and sells well, perhaps he is better suited as a manager if he can find a good foil to Kane to serve as a mic peice for.
Kane scares the staff at ring side and then gets on the mic, he says he's been in a bad place lately and he's better now, he looks at his little bag thingy, he's not alive he's dead.
[Ad Break]
We get a series of highlight packages before we go to a John Cena promo. Cena says everyone was suprised by the Adamle announcement, Cena references Tunney before saying Cena-Batista is the biggest showdown ever. He cheesily talks about one day, Cena-Batista, oh god this is awful, take the mic away please. I can't be arsed to recap it's terrible. Cena hopes they'll win tonight but he's ready for anything, geez.
[Ad Break]
Adamle is in his office when Kelly Kelly comes in to congratulate him, and they basically run down the show. Kelly talks about how scary Kane is, and he says one way or another he'll be finding out whats in that bag. He then invites Kelly Kelly to sit down and watch the show with him. Please say they start going out.
WWE Tag Team Title Match
John Cena & Batista vs Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase
Ted and Cena lock up, Cena scores with a hip toss and introduces Ted to the turnbuckle he quickly follows up with a hard Irish whip and a bulldogg. Batista tags in, he shoves Cody down like a total bitch. Cody uses a knee to the gut but a sunset flip is block and Batista lifts and powers Cody into the corner. Batista scores with a backbreaker for two. Cody gets a big punt on Batista, and doges a closeline but soon runs into a back elbow. Batista misses a blind charge and goes shoulder first into the ringpost.
[Ad Break]
Cody is working on the arm when we return. Cody has a loose arm bar on and Batista powers out and scores with a big boot. Cena comees in and explodes with a series of flying shoulderblocks, a protoplex, the five knuckle shuffle and he goes for the FU but Ted makes a blind tag and scores with a dropkick. Cody sneaks in a DDT as he leaves. The crowd chant "Cena" as Ted introduces Cena to the ringsteps. Cody comes in and the heels score with a double suplex for two. The heels then score with a double arm wringer and gut punch. Ted scores with a back suplex and a fist drop. Ted follows up nicely with a strong closeline for two. Cody comes in with a nice dropkick for two. Cena begins to fire back but Cody cuts him of with a side russian legsweep and a knee drop. Ter comes in with a top rope bionic elbow for two. The heels then score with a double back elbow for two. Cena fires back but runs into a sleeper, Batista looks rather passe on the apron. Cena reaches out for a tag and tries to power his way to Batista but Dave makes no real effort to tag in. Ted comes in and reapplies the sleeper. Cena powers out of the hold and applies a sleeper of his own but Cody breaks it with a flying axe handle. Cena comes back with a nice side walk slam. He tags Batista in with a bitch slap, oooooh. Batista runs over Ted with a closeline and then a back body drop, he knocks Cody off the apron before running into a boot, but Ted returns the favour running into a spinebuster, Batista then gets the snake eyes, spear and goes for the Batista Bomb. Cena runs in and absolutely takes out Cody Rhodes allowing Batista to finish Ted off with the Batista Bomb for the win.
Really good RAW main event, really don't like them taking the titles of Rhodes and Dibiase who looked excellent in this match together, that said it was all good fun. (**1/4)
Cena and Batista celebrate seeing who can get the bigger cheers and boos.
Overall Thoughts: Not a bad show, but rather spotty and uninteresting in places. The Main Event carried the show to a good level. The annoying effort to drive home the "Adamle Original" saying got really old really fast. Adamle however is fun general manager and its nice to see him playing a sensible roll resolving issues.

Album number two of ten is (drum roll please).......

Iced Earth – The Crucible Of Man

Well where to start with this one, well the opener probably makes sense, and intro In Sacred Flames will have your eyes rolling and will make you chuckle a little. It’s very silly, a gothic female choir with a soft plucked guitar in the back ground with some deep male tones over the top. It’s the kind of thing you’d expect to see in a Dracula movie as he sails across the ocean from Transylvania to New York as the sea thrashes and the Dark Lord awakes. An opener should set the tone for the album, and this certainly does as a dark rock opera commences. Furthermore the ideal, opener should either be completely immediate, knock your socks, grab you by the balls and have your full attention or it should be highly pretentious. In Sacred Flames succeeds in two of these regards it’s pretentious and sets the tone. Why spend this long on a throw away 1:38 opener? Because it gives away exactly what is to come, and leaves one question in mind, we know the albums going to be an hour of gothic operatic hard rock but will it be contemporary? Will Iced Earth have evolved? Are Iced Earth relevant any more?

The answer is a resounding no. This album was realised in 2008 and had I not known this when I downloaded it, nothing accept the high production values would lead me to think this was remotely contemporary. The scene has simply moved on, and they have done little to take the throne and reign as the modern Operatic Metal kings. Children Of Bodom, Him and even Evanescence have little to fear from this effort. Some tracks on The Crucible of Man are simply cringe inducing, A Gift Or A Curse is laugh out loud ridiculous, singing in the South Park parody Metal tonnes the lead singer powers out “I’ve Got A Heavy Burden” over a soft backing, and it doesn’t sound like metal legends it sounds like the slow bit in Warrior’s of The World by Manowar, yes it’s that bad. “I believe in the prophecy...and I know I possess the strength” you get the idea. However when Iced Earth fall back on their Thrashier sound things do pick up even in a track so lost in its own pomp as this.

Okay so contemporary, relevant, influential it ain’t but is The Crucible of Man any good? Well musically Iced Earth sound in good nick. There sound is very sharp and crisp, the guitars trash and gallop with great bluster despite a lack of original thinking. The lead singer is in good voice, and there is some nice drumming splattered throughout. Lyrically the band just lean to far towards parody , they seem to have little interesting to say about human nature or the world today, it feels tired. It’s a shame really because it’s clear Iced Earth have a very good ear for musical arrangements and melody, none of the songs sound awful or offensive to the ear drums, its all pretty pleasant if embarrassing listen. None of the tracks are poorly put together or bland, they simply stand out in the wrong way, and get lost in their own ludicrous huff and puff. They should have taken a page from Maiden’s book, there last album went prog metal, still sounded dated but was so musically tight and interesting it overcame its own irrelevance. Iced Earth could have easily achieved this they have talent and could have put out a album that said the Grandads of Metal still rock. However while this album will please die hards it’ll have newcomers wondering while they don’t just shut up and stick to touring.

I Walk Alone is a perfect example of what’s wrong with the album, the drumming fires like controlled burst from an AK-47, the guitars chugs and then swore majestically, and the lyrics although silly seem under control, so far so good. Unfortunately then the chorus kicks in, and it just ruins the song, the band bellow out as one “Man Kind’s Dishonesty, Lays Them To Waste, I Will Divide, I Will Lay Them To Waste, I Walk Alone” and it kills the song stone dead. Just as your head was starting to get into the track your eyes suddenly roll. It’s a fun track and very catchy, but you won’t be playing it to a group of your mates, because you’ll look like a total deuche. There’s nothing wrong with a guilty pleasure but you’ll be looking over your shoulder making sure none of your mates see you singing along or god forbid your girl friend catches you listening to it, it’s totally unjustifiable.

The lowest points on the album though, are the slow tracks, or anything with an emotional intro its just terrible and under no circumstances can be taken seriously Harbinger of Fate actually manages to beat the afore mentioned A Gift Or Curse in the cringe inducing stakes. By track nine your seriously questioning whether the singer is singing in this tone as a joke or not, because he must realise how silly it all sounds. Actually what am I saying, he’s probably seeing the dollar signs in his eyes, he’ll play to 90, 000 people anywhere in central Europe or Scandinavia. Why try and evolve when you’ve got a guaranteed cash cow? Jack Black must be licking his lips Iced Earth are giving him plenty of ammunition for the next Tenacious D album.

The real problem with the album with the album is the length, fifteen tracks, seven of which clock in at over four minutes. It’s too long, do really need two long insipid fantasy ballads, I’ll answer that for you, no, no we don’t, we hardly needed one. It becomes a slog to get through the album. Iced Earth are simply too prolific for there own good.

Overall Thoughts: Iced Earth aren’t relevant, but still have ideas, still have talent, and clearly still like to play. What Iced Earth really need is a good producer and Editor, to help them balance out their craft better. First off, this album should be split in two, and released in two separate sections a year or so apart. There’s literally two of everything on this album. Were this album a concise seven track operatic metal romp it could be a lot of fun. A reminder of what they can do, and would set them up for two world tours. As it is this is a bloated beast of self parody.

By the half hour point the listener has stopped having fun and starts to reflect on what he’s listening to and how over the top and ludicrous it is. The sad thing is it doesn’t need to be, a good producer will some balls would tell them when there going over the top because there are several tracks that are going alone nicely as solid operatic trash romps but suddenly a second chorus or a four man sing along comes from no where and just turns the track into a joke. The Crucible Of Man will gain Iced Earth no new fans, but probably won’t lose them any either, playing it safe never sounded so stupid.
(**)

Tracks To Download: Divide and Devour, Behold The Wicked Child, I Walk Alone

Gareth’s Professional Opinion:


Iced Earth are an American Power/Thrash metal band that manage to also combine elements of prog and operatic metal. A band that feels like it’s been going since time and memorial, twenty four years in actuality, The Crucible of Man is the tenth studio album to be released by the band.

O.K so the big secret, I’ve never actually been into Iced Earth. Yeah, shock horror. To be honest I’ve never particularly been into power metal in any form really. That said I know good guitar playing and musicianship generally when I hear it, and Iced Earth certainly know how to play. Their earlier albums have set the bar in terms of speed and technical guitar playing. However this does somewhat sound like an album too far. Firstly it’s pretty slow, certainly no danger of breaking the speed limit here. Secondly, and this is a bit of a killer, there is absolutely nothing monumentally memorable on this album. Simply put it sounds incredibly passé. I honestly get the feeling even now that Iron Maiden can do this sort of stuff in their sleep. Tracks like The Revealing are good, catchy tracks, but you come away from this entire release feeling strangely cheated. Iced Earth fans are going to love it of course, but for the rest of us it’s merely an average release from a band that’s musically capable of an awful lot more. Lastly, and this is merely a personal quibble, I’ve always found their lyrics bordering on the laughable. One final note in case I’ve come across as being overly mauling of the band, Iced Earth are awesome live. But I think even they’d struggle to make this album sound particularly exciting, which is a shame really.


Conclusion: Album too far for a musically talented band that have run into a seriously bad patch of mediocrity. 5.5/10

Download: Sacrificial Kingdoms, The Revealing, Divide and Devour


This will need some prefacing. Me and my good buddy and fellow Reviewer Gareth Rhys-Thomas (Metal, Punk and Rave (old Rave) specialist) are recommending each other ten records that we wouldn’t normally listen to or wouldn’t have heard in full. We both have pretty eclectic tastes and there are some bands we both like already in each others lists. It’ll be interesting to see how we each review the records with our alternate musical bases. I have to apologise in advance as my knowledge of hard rock, metal and punk is not encyclopaedic and I will not know obvious references and links, but will try to judge of the music’s individual merits, so I will unlikely be able to tell if something is generic or a rip off of something else, or completely original in its genre for example. Anyway on with the show, album one of ten.
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Quick Sand - The Slip

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The album opens well enough with opener Fazer starting with a somewhat basic generic chugging riff. The guitar work doesn’t really go anywhere unexpected or interesting to begin with. The vocals provide more intrigue with singer letting his lines run slightly over long and almost sharply trailing of at the end. The guitar break down and solo bring some much need creativity to the piece with one of my favourite effects, with the guitarist suddenly sounding like he’s playing at the bottom of the well. The track ends strongly and is pleasant if an unspectacular opener.

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Head to the Wall doesn’t particularly stand out as a track sounding more like a paint by numbers effort for the American Alt. Rock genre. The drumming is very well arranged, while the guitar often feels uninspired, the drumming is strong a prominent and adds a lot of punch to vocals. A very listenable opening salvo from the album but for Slip to break above mediocrity it needs some tracks to stand up and grab you by the balls.

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Dine Alone accomplishes that goal, with its punchy couplets and well written lyrics, “You Look Like You have No Friends, Can’t Keep Up With The New Trends”. The depressing social pariah bordering on sociopathic lyrics are nicely complemented with little guitar spikes which create a sctizafenic illusion. The track contains a more interesting and emotive guitar arrangement, that sounds very much of its time and could slot onto the soundtrack of a million nineties high school slacker movies.

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What becomes immediately apparently listening to Slip is that Quicksand have a real penchant for a slightly euphoric guitar sound to be laid over their choruses, of course its buried under distortion and fuzz. But if you were to clean up the guitar remove the fuzz and sludge you’d be left with something very reminiscent of U2, Snow Patrol or even Angels and Airwaves. The title track uses this effect most prevalently and is lost in its own blandness.

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Freezing Princess is lost with a basic template and basic guitar structure that lingers too long and is too repetitive and could really do with another motion or transition to it. However if you like to go limp and sway this track is for you. Lie and Wait picks up the tempo as the guitars spiral, swirl and then charge it’s far for interesting and doesn’t sound like U2 if they were American and had no friends, wait I’ve gotta stop describing Angels and Airwaves.

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Unfulfilled continues the albums second wind as the bands signature bass lines which by track seven are well worn out are broken by cool guitar riffs right when you want them to be creating those hair swinging, head banging moments all rock bands need. The track just grows and grows getting more intriguing as it goes along and stopping a just the right moment before it could begin to overstay its welcome.

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One nice feature of this album is that the tracks don’t overstay there welcome which can be a real problem with this genre of music as the tracks can become a dirge but Quicksand end their tracks promptly and creatively and oft have you thinking you wish it could have lasted a little longer and developed to the next level. It’s a tricky line to tread, and leaving the listener wanting more is always better than leaving him asking when will the bloody track end.

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A real issue with this album is that while the tracks blend together very well and the listen is very smooth the individual tracks don’t really stand out a grab your attention. There aren’t great vocal hooks in abundance, nor brilliant guitar lines you’ll be humming all day. The most immediate tracks on this album are its most concise; Lie and Wait and Omission grab the listener as they do more in their two and a half minutes vocally and instrumentally than the more meandering and blander tracks. Baphomet is the worst example of the latter; it seems like a parody of American music of this era, it’s a slow dirge and while it has some nice movements on guitar it feel completely superfluous. The kind of track a million bands put on a million albums that no one remembers and are so interchangeable and uninteresting they kill an album’s momentum dead.
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Too Official is a typical slice of American Alt. Rock, I can already picture a million kids sitting their rooms dressed in plaid, bong or splith in hand complaining about the machine, the corporations and how their work is grinding away their identity. That said it’s nicely written and the chorus and vocals are shout along fun with the drums pounding and guitars swirling and chugging along in the background. So much silly fun it honestly makes you sick.
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Overall Thoughts: This is certainly a consistent and strong album. It does however feel dated, you know your listening to early 90s American Alt. Rock the minute the first track kicks in. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, this album certainly feels like a defining album, but not a transcendent one. This isn’t my area of expertise but if I’d had to guess I’d say that this album and band wasn’t the mega popular scene leader of its time, more the connosoirs favourite.
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The album flows together nicely, and while the individual tracks tend not to overstay their welcome Baphomet and Transparent could easily have been culled from the album, to make it more concise and perhaps to give a track Freezing Princess that extra thirty seconds of guitar inventiveness to help raise it above mediocrity. The best tracks are most shortest and most immediate they come flying out of the repetitive, head nodding, disillusioned 90s rock like bullets.
(***)

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Tracks To Download: Lie & Wait, Unfulfilled, Omission, Dine Alone, Too Official.


Gareth's Proffesional Oppinion: Quicksand are considered one of the first ‘Post Hardcore’ bands that emerged as a more thoughtful approach to the hardcore punk movement that emerged during the 1980s; including a more refined guitar style and vocals.

Fugazi meets Helmet; Slip is still regarded as the bands benchmark release. Full of angst, Slip is nonetheless a mature album that lurches from the urgent with tunes such as the title track, to the slower and more thoughtful Freezing Process, to more of an outright metal song in Lie and Wait. The hooks are all tight, whilst the actual guitar work contains minimal fuss to create a sound that’s dynamic and fresh, the drumming full of neat timing changes and fills. Simply put, aside from Walter Schreifels vocals which are at best an acquired taste, Slip is an under-rated, important album in the development of modern alternative music. There’s better out there, but not an awful lot.
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Release Date: 1993
Rating: 8/10


To See Gareth's Half of the Article check out his blog: http://farbeyondthehorizon.blogspot.com/

Royal Rumble 1995
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We start with a white limo pulling up and the lockeroom standing there with Dink jumping up and down. Porno music hits and Pamela Anderson comes out, back when see looked jaw dropping, well that's a good start in my book.
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Vince is on commentary and we're in the "Funshine" state, poor Tampa. Jerry is with him and he's running down the card.
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WWE Intercontinental Title Match
Jeff Jarrett vs. Razor Ramon
Wow, Jarrett got absolutely no crowd reaction. Jarrett misses with a closeline and gets layed out with three big slugs. Jeff regains some respect with a leapfrog and a bitch slap in the corner. However that's enough offence for Jarrett as Scott promptly kills him with a fallaway slam and a chokeslam. Jarrett bails and eventually returns to the ring and nails some more high powered offence in the form of a snapmare and in Jeff's books that justifies a strut. They trade waistlocks and Jeff gets an arm drag leading to another strut which the crowd don't exactly care about. They trade hammerlocks, Jeff gets a drop toe hold and Jeff lays in some bitch slaps and Girly giggles in the corner. Lots of posturing is going on before Jeff runs into a huge right and is closelined backwards over the top rope. Jeff again regroups having a sip of the Roadies bottled water. The ref actually gets to a count of five and thus should have DQed him for drinking water, I'd of given this ***** if he'd actually called for the bell. Anyway Jeff calls Razor a chicken ooooh Psychology. Razor gets some shoulder blocks out of an arm wrench. Razor is rather lazily holding in a loose arm bar. Jeff scores with three dropkicks and a rope rider, he struts and scores with a flying closeline on the way back for two. Jeff scores with two, what can losely be described as hard Irish whips and its chinlock time. Hall fights out blocks a hip toss and counters to a backslide for two. Jeff comes right back with a closeline for two. Razor sits down on a sunset flip for two. Jeff then hooks the arm and gets two. Jeff scores with a dropkick and its another two. Jeff then locks in a sleeper hold, Razor's sell is very funny. They do an odd looking Irish whip sequence leading to a swinging neckbreaker and a series of two counts with Jeff's feet on the ropes. Razor dodes a boot in the corner by sliding to the outside and crotching Jeff on the ringpost, big pop. Razor goes to the second rope and scores with a diving closeline for two. Jeff side steps a closeline and sends Razor crashing over the top rope. Razor is now limping and the Roadie dives in with a chop block. The Roadie then hangs Jeff the bottled water as Razor tries to recover and he is counted out.
Jeff gets on the mic and basically calls Scott Hall yellow and a chicken in a lot more words than I just wrote. Razor slowly walks back to the ring and the match is restarted.
Razor pushes Jeff into the corner and scores with a horrific roll up for two. Jeff kicks away at the leg but Razor gets a roll up for two. Jeff kicks the leg some more and scores with a knee breaker and a knee smash. Jeff works over Razor's leg in the ropes and the crowd aren't interested as the heels mock the crowd. Razor manages to kick Jeff off and send him over the top rope but Jeff just lands on his feet and works the leg on the apron. Jeff applies the figure four and locks it in for quite a while, Razor tries to roll it over but fails. Jeff gets a two count locked in the hold, Razor then gets pissed and punches his way out of the hold. There goes the credibility of Jeff's finisher. Razor scores with some big slugs. Jeff misses a closeline and places Jeff on the top rope, Razor gets a back suplex and both men get two. Razor scores wtih a closeline. "What pride, What Machismo" thanks Vince. Jeff walks happily into a Razor's Edge but Ramon's leg collapse on him and Jeff gets the inside craddle for the win.
Well that was lame, sloppy, uninteresting and unrealistic wrestling in places. The final two minutes were strong but make no mistake this was a derge. Ramon really needs a strong opponent to elevate his game he consistantly proves he can't carry matches, and Jeff is well Jeff. Mediocre + Mediocre = Poor apparently. (*1/2).
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Todd is with Pamela Anderson its not funny. Jeff and the Roadie are backstage and there going to see Pamela to celebrate.
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Irwin R. Syhster vs. The Undertaker
It takes these two insanely long to start the match. IRS scores with a crappy dropkick to the back of the next which Taker of course no sells and that cause IRS to bail. Taker tries to lock up but IRS keeps dodging and he then bails. IRS gets in Bearer's face. IRS dodges a closeline but runs straight into a big boot. Taker gets a couple of hard Irish whips to the corner. Taker has IRS by the tie and gives him a tietoss. Taker scores with the rope walk of Doom. Ted Dibiase gets on the apron, Taker grabs hold of him but dodges IRS sneak attack and hits Ted. Taker boots IRS over the top rope and the two men argue. Ted Dibiase decides it time he should bring out the druids. IRS tries a sneak attack but runs into a back elbow, poor IRS. Taker gets a throat thrust and Taker tries another Rope Walk but the Druids shake the ropes allow IRS to arm drag him off top. Taker no sells and sits up. IRS closelines Taker over the top rope but he lands on his feet and chokes the druids. IRS scores with an apron axe handle and introduces Taker to the steps. The druids now lay the boots in on Taker and throw him back in the ring. Just incase you were getting too excited by this non stop action IRS locks in a abdominal stretch. Taker counters with a hip toss and then scores with a body slam. Taker misses an elbow drop and sits up. Jerry Lawler can't understand how Taker can sit up? IRS scores with a back elbow that Taker sells very oddly. IRS gets a closeline, two elbow drops and a leg drop. Taker sits up to avoid a big splash. We then go to the collision spot. A Druid sneaks in and puts IRS ontop of Taker who sits up and chokes a druid. Taker runs IRS into the Druid, lifts IRS onto his shoulder for the tombstone but he has to fight off the druids and drops IRS. IRS recovers with a closeline and both men are down again. Taker sits up and IRS isn't happy, Undertaker dodges a closeline and scores with the chokeslam for the win.
Odd finish, anyway, that was fine, pretty decent for a pre-2000 Taker match. (*1/2)
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Post match the druids attack but Taker fights them off giving one a chokeslam and one a closeline. King Kong Bundy then appears, IRS takes the urn and Bundy scores with an Avalanche and a elbow drop, knee drop and splash. Paul Bearer then summonds the crowd to help Undertaker sit up.
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Todd is with Deisel he says its not the time to talk its the time to prepare. Todd is then with Bret who says he doesn't care about anything he only cares about winning his title back.
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WWE World Title Match
Bret Hart vs. Deisel
Bret tries a leg trip but Deisel falls to the ropes to start it. Girly shoves and handbags make Deisel angry, Bret tries a cross body but Deisel catches him and scores with a body slam. Bret tries to elbow Deisel but it doesn't move him and he gets closelined over the top rope for his troubles. Deisel slugs Bret off the apron, Bret decides to trip Deisel and work his leg over on the ringpost. Bret drops a knee of Deisel's knee, Bret drops an elbow to the leg and applies a legscissors. Bret continues working over the leg of Deisel trying to kick it out. Its not very inventive leg work. Bret then slaps in the figure four and gets a two count. It takes Deisel a while to make the ropes and Bret milks the five count. There hoping the crowd will pick Deisel over Bret, they don't and won't all its doing is giving Bret a smaller reaction. Bret drops some knees on the leg and then its back to the figure four in the middle of the ring, oh joy. Bret gets a two count from the hold before Deisel again strecthes for the ropes. Mundane start from these two. Bret argues with the ref and then suddenly turns and scores with a suicide dive, finally it picks up. Deisel reverses and Irish whip and Bret hits the steps. Deisel scores with a hard Irish whip and its the corner Elbows of Deisel Power Doom! Deisel scores with a side salto for two. Deisel socres with a rope rider which Bret sells nicely. Deisel scores with the backbreaker submission. Deisel shoves Bret hard into the corner. Bret tries to fire back but nothing comes of it. Deisel comes back with a flurry and a hard Irish whip. Deisel goes with the over the shoulder torture rack, Bret breaks the hold countering into a sleeper but he's dragged softly down into a snapmare. Deisel scores with a big boot and an elbow drop for two. Deisel runs into a boot and Bret scores with a second rope closeline. Bret goes to the top rope but Deisel takes him off and tries a press slam but in a awkward looking spot Bret falls on top for two. Bret trips Deisel and uses his wrist tape to tie Deisel to the ring post and Bret drops elbows and stomps. The ref unties Deisel to a chorus of boos. Bret scores with a bulldog for two, gut punch, side russian legsweep gets two, back breaker, second rope bionic elbow drop gets two, I really should just call it the five moves of doom. Deisel clings to the ropes to avoid a sharp shooter. Bret closelines Deisel over the top rope but Kev lands on his feet. Bret tries a plancha but Kev catches him and runs him back first into the ringpost. Deisel calls for the Jacknife and scores with it and HBK runs out to a face reaction to stomp the shit out of Shawn's leg. The official inexplicable says the match must continue but I'm not complaining. Bret kicks out Kev's leg and works it over and goes for a figure four? Okay surely that should have been Sharp Shooter. Kev to the thrill of no one punches his way out of the hold. That false finish has silenced the crowd. Bret works over Kev's leg in the corner and is ignoring the refs count but Earl won't disqualify him. Bret misses a blind charge and unloads with the knees of doom in the corner. Kev then scores with a gut wrench suplex for two. This match is really in meander mode. Kev misses a big boot in the corner and gets it hung up in the corner. Bret again introduces Kev's knee to the ringpost. Bret then hits a steel chair into Deisel's leg and ringpost, the crowd boo but then cheer the sharp shooter. Owen Hart runs in and breaks the hold, he then removes the top turnbuckle and whips Bret hard chest first into the bolt and both men are down, now this is really silly. Earl Hebner again orders that the match must continue. Deisel slowly limbs over and then crawls over incredibly slowly for two. The crowd pop. Both men slowly make their way to their feet. Deisel tries to take Bret into the bolt but gets introduced to it himself, Kev really messed that up and clearly didn't hit the ringpost. Bret fires away but he's lost the crowd with all the heel stuff. Kev is selling really nicely now. Bret eventually slugs Deisel down. Bret thinks he's knocked him out but Kev gets up and knocks Bret through the middle ropes with a series of forearms. Bret was hanging in the middle rope but when Deisel gets the chair he scampers to the middle of the ring. Bret is selling the leg and falls down in the middle of the ring, but of course he pops up with a cradle for two. Bret floats over and now the ref gets bumped, oh geez. HBK and Jeff Jarrett run out and attack Deisel and Bob Backlund and Owen Hart run out and unload on Bret and its a no contest.
So we get all of the non finishes and restarts, and all the non dqs called just for a ref bump and quadrouple run in spot and a draw finish. The crowd weren't happy, and by the end of the match the crowd had lost interest. Bret was over big as a face at the start but his heel booking throughout the match gave him a negative to non reaction and Deisel just wasn't over at all in this one, so the final ten minutes were dead. The wrestling was good in places and occassionally creative but there is only one conclusion. Bret Hart isn't Shawn Micheals. (**3/4)
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Backlund locks Bret in the crossface kitchen wing and four men assualt Deisel, Kev fights them all off and raise Bret's hand and both men then get the face pop.
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Todd is with Pamela whose changing behind a screen, she asks him to pass her purse, its lame.
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1-2-3 Kid and Bob Holly cut a promo about winning the tag title tournie. X-Pac was just awful on Promos back then and Bob Holly is errrh...Bob Holly.
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We then get a horrible moment with Jerry Lawler drawing (incredibly badly) himself kissing Pamela Anderson.
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Tatanka & Bam Bam Bigalow vs. The 1-2-3 Kid & Bob Holly
Tatanka and Spark Plugg lock up and Bob gets shoved around like a ho. Bob runs in and is met with a side walk slam. Bob scores with a hurricanrota, a body slam and two dropkicks and Tatanka backs off. Bigalow in but he charges right into a droptoe hold. Bam Bam runs straight through a double back elbow and scores with a double closeline. Bam Bam swats 1-2-3 Kid around the ring. The kid nicely counters a back body drop into a ranna for two. Bam Bam comes back with a enzenguri. Tatanka in, he chops away at the Pac and gives him two hard Irish whips. Bam Bam comes back in, Pac tries to fight him off but just gets swatted and is then given a suplex. Bam Bam charges and is back body dropped over the top, Tatanka tries a back body drop but Pac flips out and pushes the two heels into eahc other. Holly and Pac try double flyign crossbodies but they both get caught. The heels try to snake eyes the faces into each other but they themselves end up running into each other. Holly tries to unload but is cut off with a low bridge and takes a nice bump to the outside. Tatanka scores with a body slam and an elbow drop. Tatanka scores with a closeline and plays to the crowd. Tatanka scores with two body slam, man Tatanka should learn some more moves. Tatanka scores with a powerslam for two. Kid misses an elbow drop and hits Bob Holly. Bam Bam comes in and hold Sparky but Tatanka misses the Tomahawk chop and he nails Bam Bam. The crowd wake up and bit as both men crawl. The two men on the apron get into it and as Holly reaches for the tag Pac isn't there and he is avalanched into the corner by Bam Bam. Bigalow then tosses Holly to the outside, Holly tries a sunset flip but Bam Bam sits on him. Bam Bam scores with a horrible looking dropkick enzenguri move. Holly crawls to the wrong corner and tags Tatanka. Tatanka scores with a side suplex and the crowd are snoozing. Tatanka scores with a closeline in the corner. Tatanka swats Holly away when he attempts a come back. Tatanka scores with a big chop, they do the double cross body collision spot and did I mention the crowd don't care one little bit. HOT TAG. Spinning crescent kick, Torpedo dropkick, Tatanka gets dropkicked off the apron. Pac gets a front flip plancha onto Tatanka. Ted gets on the apron and Bam Bam press slams 1-2-3 Kid out of the ring face first. Bam Bam scores with a body slam and goes for a Moonsault but Tatanka comes in and goes for an elbow drop but inadvertantly knocked Bam Bam off top and he takes a real nice bump and the kid crawls over and gets the pin. BIG POP!
Well that was the definition of pedestrian, a very basic tag match stretched out very long. The finish however was very creative. Not bad but who gave it that much time must be totally barmy. (**)
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Bam Bam then gets into it with the crowd and of course he spots LT, Bam Bam says "You think that's funny I don't see you in there". LT offers a handshake and Bam Bam shoves him over and LT acts mega pissed. There's a quality gimmicked Italian actor who shouts "He's a crazy that guy". The crowd can't LT as Bam Bam walks off.
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We then go to highlights of last year and they correctly pick Deisel eliminating everybody. They then show HBK kicking Deisel out of the ring, of course the cameras missed it.
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HBK then cuts a promo saying he'll say he'll eliminate all the big men, just like he single handedly eliminated Deisel last year. It'll be easy.
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They then show the Bret-Luger finish from last year, the only other interesting thing to happen in that rumble.
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Luger cuts a promo and he sounds silly but he actually cuts a pretty good promo by his incredibly low standards.
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They then introduce Pam and she looks very good, oh boy what age, injections, Kid Rock and most devasting of all Tommy Lee do to a pretty lady, poor girl.
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The Royal Rumble Match
Entrant Number One is Shawn Micheals. Entrant Number Two is the British Bulldogg. This is the stupid year with the one minute entry times. Shawn jumps Davey to start but Davey comes back with a hard Irish whip and a back body drop. Davey scores with a military press and a closeline drawing the HBK oversell. Speaking of oversells Davey scores with a hard Irish whip leading to the HBK corner spot. Davey runs into a boot and HBK misses an elbow. Entrant Number Three is Eli Blu. The crowd weren't into the count and weren't into that entrant. He stops the early fun momentum dead. Entrant Number Four is Duke Droese. He runs right into a big boot by Eli. Davey lays some shoulders in on Eli in the corner. Duke scores with a spinning body slam and he locks in a bearhug? In a Rumble? Is he mad? Entrant Number Five is Jimmy Del Ray. JOBBER POWER! Shawn scores with a stomp on Davey. The Jigalow unloads on Shawn. Entrant Number Six is Sieoma. HBK is doing a good job of selling for near elimination. Jimmy Del Ray is tossed, no one cares. Jimmy Del Ray is Eliminated. Entrant Number Seven is Tom Pritchard. God the crowd are just shitting on these entrants and so am I. Nothing is happening. Entrant Number Eight is Doink. He's the first guy since Bulldogg to get any kind of pop. Doink tries to unload on the head skrinker but of course it has no effect. This is lameness everywhere. Entrant Number Eight is Kerwang. And yes Kerwang makes absolutely no impact on the match. Doink falls Shawn with a closeline. Entrant Number Nine Rick Martel. He's still knocking around then. Rick unloads on Doink. Hmmn...what would JR say...."The crowd are in stunned silence", "in awe". Entrant Number Ten is Owen Hart. Thankfully Bret attacks him on the way to the ring thus sparing us having to watch Owen's talents being wasted on this bunch of jobbers, he kicks the crap out of Owen for the whole minute. Entrant Number Eleven is Timmothy Roll. Shawn backbody dropped Duke over, and Owen has been tossed, as have Duke, Pritchard, Martel, Owen and Timothy. Duke Drose, Owen Hart, Bruce Pritchard, Rick Martel and Timothy are Eliminated. Entrant Number Twelve is Luke Bushwhacker. Luke, Sioam, Doink and Eli Blu are Eliminated. Entrant Number Thirteen is Jacob Blu. Shawn back body drops Jacob straight out. Jacob Blu is Eliminated. Entrant Number Fourteen is King Kong Bundy. Bundy gets a big round of boos. Shawn can't lift Bundy. Entrant Number Fifteen is Mo. Bundy immediately back body drops Mo out of the ring and he breaks Luke's fatest elimination record. Mo is Eliminated. Bulldogg can't lift Bundy either. This is so lame. Entrant Number Sixteen is Mabel. Mabel points right at Bundy and they go to a moving contest but after that its lame rumble stuff. Entrant Number Seventeen is Bushwhacker Butch. Oh joy of joys. Bundy is slowly tossed by Mabel adn Shawn tosses Butch. King Kong Bundy and Bushwhacker Luke are Eliminated. Shawn does a great fake elimination upside down sell in the corner. Entrant Number Eighteen is Lex Luger. Luger tosses Mabel. Mabel is Eliminated. Luger closelines the shit out of Shawn and then scores with a military press. Entrant Number Nineteen is Mantaar. Oh Holy Shit! Is this a joke. Who signed this arseclown. Mantaar scores with a hip toss and an elbow drop. Entrant Number Twenty is Aldo Montoya. God it gets worse. Entrant Number Twenty One is Henry Godwin. Oh let it end. Thing is if it was slow at least they could maybe get there awful characters ove...who the fuck am I kidding, this is a disaster. Entrant Number Twenty Two is Billy Gunn. He runs in with lots of energy and does nothing worth shouting about. Its lame rumble action all round. Entrant Number Twenty Three is Bart Gunn. Mantaar nails Bart, Go MANTAAR! This is terrible I can't describe how lame this action is, actually I could describe it accurately but then you'd never read my column again. Entrant Number Twenty Four is Mr. Bob Backlund. Backlund's gimmick was just awesome in the crazy old man gimmick, yet again Bret runs out and kills Bob to the biggest pop of the Rumble. Entrant Number Twenty Five is Steven Dunn. The crowd are not thrilled. Luger terrible closelines Bob out, to the biggest pop of the entire show. Bob Backlund is Eliminated. Bob and Bret brawl up the isle. Entrant Number Twenty Six is Dick Murdoch. The crowd are totally shitting on that entrant along with about twenty five others. Mantaar misses a blind charge in comical fashinon. Entrant Number Twenty Seven is Adam Bomb. Nothing is happening its crowded and its just total arse. MANTAAR hits the avalanche in the corner. Entrant Number Twenty nine is Fatu. Fatu unloads on Billy and nearly eliminates him. Luger eliminates MANTAAR! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My interest in this match is over. Mantaar is eliminated. Entrant Number Thirty is Crush. Crush eliminates the guns. Bart and Billy Gunn are Eliminated. Aldo back body drops Darnett out. Steve Dunn is eliminated. They show Pamela and that is undoubtable the highlight of the match so far. Shawn is doing some overselling in the corner. Murdoch does a funny attempt at eliminating Murdoch its almost dramatic. Vince is awful on commentary but he's not as bad as this match is. Murdoch is doing some doggy style headbutt but of course they don't work on Fatu. Crush back body drops Adam Bomb out of the ring. Adam Bomb is Eliminated. Crush tries to toss Fatu but he lands on the apron and kills Crush with a thrust kick. Aldo Montoya is Eliminated. Luger again saves HBK. Crush tosses Fatu ending the most interesting confrontation of the Rumble so far. Fatu is Eliminated. Murdoch gives Henry Godwin the airplane spin, Shawn does the comedy bump of the spin, Murdoch losses his balence and eliminates himself. Dick Murdoch is Eliminated. Shawn dives on Luger. Henry runs into Luger's boot and Lex follows up with closeline. Luger dodges a Henry Godwin closeline and Eliminates himself. Henry Godwin is Eliminated.
Final Four: Shawn Micheals, Lex Luger, British Bulldogg and Crush.
Shawn floors Davey. Luger gives crush a ten punch and Shawn dumps him like a bitch. Lex Luger is Eliminated. HBK tries to make a deal with Crush to help him eliminate Bulldog, they high five. Crush and HBK score with a double closeline and high five and then Crush attacks. Shawn counters a military press with an eye rake. Shawn dodges Davey's closeline and it eliminates Crush. Crush is Eliminated. Davey kills Shawn with a monster knee lift, HBK does some huge overselling in the corner. Bulldogg press slams Shawn onto the top rope crotching Shawn, he then shakes the rope and Shawn is groggy. Bulldog closelines Shawn over and he hangs on with only one of his feet hitting the floor. Vince says its over and they play Davey's music and as he celebrates Shawn tosses him. British Bulldog is Eliminated and Shawn Micheals is Your Royal Rumble winner.
Well the last few minutes being so dramatic and the finish being so well pulled off by HBK save this from a DUD but make no mistakes this was horrible. This is when WWE was at its worst with terrible gimmicks and booking. However they've had bad talent before what really killed the Rumble which is normally immune from being unwatchable was the stupid idea of 60 second intervals. It wasn't enough time for anything to gain resonance or any of the characters to stand out and make there name. That's the great thing about Rumble's with 90 seconds to work with while there fresh a normally uninteresting talent can look devasting and mix it up with the big boys and overcome his handicaps whether they be talent or there gimmick. However this Rumble was just a cringe inducing blur. Only Bulldog, HBK, Bret, Owen and Bob Buckland were over, and guess what there the ones with credible gimmicks that the crowd could relate to, but of course that's a very hard concept to grasp. (1/2*)
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Overall Thoughts: Avoid. Nothing to see here unless your a Jeff Jarrett freak.

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This is your one stop shop of pop culture reviews I most specialize in Music, Politics & Film. I occasionally delve into TV reviews. I've got a Politics MA and a War Studies BA, I'm taking a year out before starting a Phd so when it comes to History and Politics I'm pretty well versed but I tend to keep this blog fun rather than serious.

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