Daveportivo's Cultural Evaluation Facility

We start with a white limo pulling up and the lockeroom standing there with Dink jumping up and down. Porno music hits and Pamela Anderson comes out, back when see looked jaw dropping, well that's a good start in my book.

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Vince is on commentary and we're in the "Funshine" state, poor Tampa. Jerry is with him and he's running down the card.

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Wow, Jarrett got absolutely no crowd reaction. Jarrett misses with a closeline and gets layed out with three big slugs. Jeff regains some respect with a leapfrog and a bitch slap in the corner. However that's enough offence for Jarrett as Scott promptly kills him with a fallaway slam and a chokeslam. Jarrett bails and eventually returns to the ring and nails some more high powered offence in the form of a snapmare and in Jeff's books that justifies a strut. They trade waistlocks and Jeff gets an arm drag leading to another strut which the crowd don't exactly care about. They trade hammerlocks, Jeff gets a drop toe hold and Jeff lays in some bitch slaps and Girly giggles in the corner. Lots of posturing is going on before Jeff runs into a huge right and is closelined backwards over the top rope. Jeff again regroups having a sip of the Roadies bottled water. The ref actually gets to a count of five and thus should have DQed him for drinking water, I'd of given this ***** if he'd actually called for the bell. Anyway Jeff calls Razor a chicken ooooh Psychology. Razor gets some shoulder blocks out of an arm wrench. Razor is rather lazily holding in a loose arm bar. Jeff scores with three dropkicks and a rope rider, he struts and scores with a flying closeline on the way back for two. Jeff scores with two, what can losely be described as hard Irish whips and its chinlock time. Hall fights out blocks a hip toss and counters to a backslide for two. Jeff comes right back with a closeline for two. Razor sits down on a sunset flip for two. Jeff then hooks the arm and gets two. Jeff scores with a dropkick and its another two. Jeff then locks in a sleeper hold, Razor's sell is very funny. They do an odd looking Irish whip sequence leading to a swinging neckbreaker and a series of two counts with Jeff's feet on the ropes. Razor dodes a boot in the corner by sliding to the outside and crotching Jeff on the ringpost, big pop. Razor goes to the second rope and scores with a diving closeline for two. Jeff side steps a closeline and sends Razor crashing over the top rope. Razor is now limping and the Roadie dives in with a chop block. The Roadie then hangs Jeff the bottled water as Razor tries to recover and he is counted out.

Jeff gets on the mic and basically calls Scott Hall yellow and a chicken in a lot more words than I just wrote. Razor slowly walks back to the ring and the match is restarted.

Razor pushes Jeff into the corner and scores with a horrific roll up for two. Jeff kicks away at the leg but Razor gets a roll up for two. Jeff kicks the leg some more and scores with a knee breaker and a knee smash. Jeff works over Razor's leg in the ropes and the crowd aren't interested as the heels mock the crowd. Razor manages to kick Jeff off and send him over the top rope but Jeff just lands on his feet and works the leg on the apron. Jeff applies the figure four and locks it in for quite a while, Razor tries to roll it over but fails. Jeff gets a two count locked in the hold, Razor then gets pissed and punches his way out of the hold. There goes the credibility of Jeff's finisher. Razor scores with some big slugs. Jeff misses a closeline and places Jeff on the top rope, Razor gets a back suplex and both men get two. Razor scores wtih a closeline. "What pride, What Machismo" thanks Vince. Jeff walks happily into a Razor's Edge but Ramon's leg collapse on him and Jeff gets the inside craddle for the win.

Well that was lame, sloppy, uninteresting and unrealistic wrestling in places. The final two minutes were strong but make no mistake this was a derge. Ramon really needs a strong opponent to elevate his game he consistantly proves he can't carry matches, and Jeff is well Jeff. Mediocre + Mediocre = Poor apparently. (*1/2).

Todd is with Pamela Anderson its not funny. Jeff and the Roadie are backstage and there going to see Pamela to celebrate.

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It takes these two insanely long to start the match. IRS scores with a crappy dropkick to the back of the next which Taker of course no sells and that cause IRS to bail. Taker tries to lock up but IRS keeps dodging and he then bails. IRS gets in Bearer's face. IRS dodges a closeline but runs straight into a big boot. Taker gets a couple of hard Irish whips to the corner. Taker has IRS by the tie and gives him a tietoss. Taker scores with the rope walk of Doom. Ted Dibiase gets on the apron, Taker grabs hold of him but dodges IRS sneak attack and hits Ted. Taker boots IRS over the top rope and the two men argue. Ted Dibiase decides it time he should bring out the druids. IRS tries a sneak attack but runs into a back elbow, poor IRS. Taker gets a throat thrust and Taker tries another Rope Walk but the Druids shake the ropes allow IRS to arm drag him off top. Taker no sells and sits up. IRS closelines Taker over the top rope but he lands on his feet and chokes the druids. IRS scores with an apron axe handle and introduces Taker to the steps. The druids now lay the boots in on Taker and throw him back in the ring. Just incase you were getting too excited by this non stop action IRS locks in a abdominal stretch. Taker counters with a hip toss and then scores with a body slam. Taker misses an elbow drop and sits up. Jerry Lawler can't understand how Taker can sit up? IRS scores with a back elbow that Taker sells very oddly. IRS gets a closeline, two elbow drops and a leg drop. Taker sits up to avoid a big splash. We then go to the collision spot. A Druid sneaks in and puts IRS ontop of Taker who sits up and chokes a druid. Taker runs IRS into the Druid, lifts IRS onto his shoulder for the tombstone but he has to fight off the druids and drops IRS. IRS recovers with a closeline and both men are down again. Taker sits up and IRS isn't happy, Undertaker dodges a closeline and scores with the chokeslam for the win.

Post match the druids attack but Taker fights them off giving one a chokeslam and one a closeline. King Kong Bundy then appears, IRS takes the urn and Bundy scores with an Avalanche and a elbow drop, knee drop and splash. Paul Bearer then summonds the crowd to help Undertaker sit up.

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Todd is with Deisel he says its not the time to talk its the time to prepare. Todd is then with Bret who says he doesn't care about anything he only cares about winning his title back.

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Bret tries a leg trip but Deisel falls to the ropes to start it. Girly shoves and handbags make Deisel angry, Bret tries a cross body but Deisel catches him and scores with a body slam. Bret tries to elbow Deisel but it doesn't move him and he gets closelined over the top rope for his troubles. Deisel slugs Bret off the apron, Bret decides to trip Deisel and work his leg over on the ringpost. Bret drops a knee of Deisel's knee, Bret drops an elbow to the leg and applies a legscissors. Bret continues working over the leg of Deisel trying to kick it out. Its not very inventive leg work. Bret then slaps in the figure four and gets a two count. It takes Deisel a while to make the ropes and Bret milks the five count. There hoping the crowd will pick Deisel over Bret, they don't and won't all its doing is giving Bret a smaller reaction. Bret drops some knees on the leg and then its back to the figure four in the middle of the ring, oh joy. Bret gets a two count from the hold before Deisel again strecthes for the ropes. Mundane start from these two. Bret argues with the ref and then suddenly turns and scores with a suicide dive, finally it picks up. Deisel reverses and Irish whip and Bret hits the steps. Deisel scores with a hard Irish whip and its the corner Elbows of Deisel Power Doom! Deisel scores with a side salto for two. Deisel socres with a rope rider which Bret sells nicely. Deisel scores with the backbreaker submission. Deisel shoves Bret hard into the corner. Bret tries to fire back but nothing comes of it. Deisel comes back with a flurry and a hard Irish whip. Deisel goes with the over the shoulder torture rack, Bret breaks the hold countering into a sleeper but he's dragged softly down into a snapmare. Deisel scores with a big boot and an elbow drop for two. Deisel runs into a boot and Bret scores with a second rope closeline. Bret goes to the top rope but Deisel takes him off and tries a press slam but in a awkward looking spot Bret falls on top for two. Bret trips Deisel and uses his wrist tape to tie Deisel to the ring post and Bret drops elbows and stomps. The ref unties Deisel to a chorus of boos. Bret scores with a bulldog for two, gut punch, side russian legsweep gets two, back breaker, second rope bionic elbow drop gets two, I really should just call it the five moves of doom. Deisel clings to the ropes to avoid a sharp shooter. Bret closelines Deisel over the top rope but Kev lands on his feet. Bret tries a plancha but Kev catches him and runs him back first into the ringpost. Deisel calls for the Jacknife and scores with it and HBK runs out to a face reaction to stomp the shit out of Shawn's leg. The official inexplicable says the match must continue but I'm not complaining. Bret kicks out Kev's leg and works it over and goes for a figure four? Okay surely that should have been Sharp Shooter. Kev to the thrill of no one punches his way out of the hold. That false finish has silenced the crowd. Bret works over Kev's leg in the corner and is ignoring the refs count but Earl won't disqualify him. Bret misses a blind charge and unloads with the knees of doom in the corner. Kev then scores with a gut wrench suplex for two. This match is really in meander mode. Kev misses a big boot in the corner and gets it hung up in the corner. Bret again introduces Kev's knee to the ringpost. Bret then hits a steel chair into Deisel's leg and ringpost, the crowd boo but then cheer the sharp shooter. Owen Hart runs in and breaks the hold, he then removes the top turnbuckle and whips Bret hard chest first into the bolt and both men are down, now this is really silly. Earl Hebner again orders that the match must continue. Deisel slowly limbs over and then crawls over incredibly slowly for two. The crowd pop. Both men slowly make their way to their feet. Deisel tries to take Bret into the bolt but gets introduced to it himself, Kev really messed that up and clearly didn't hit the ringpost. Bret fires away but he's lost the crowd with all the heel stuff. Kev is selling really nicely now. Bret eventually slugs Deisel down. Bret thinks he's knocked him out but Kev gets up and knocks Bret through the middle ropes with a series of forearms. Bret was hanging in the middle rope but when Deisel gets the chair he scampers to the middle of the ring. Bret is selling the leg and falls down in the middle of the ring, but of course he pops up with a cradle for two. Bret floats over and now the ref gets bumped, oh geez. HBK and Jeff Jarrett run out and attack Deisel and Bob Backlund and Owen Hart run out and unload on Bret and its a no contest.

Backlund locks Bret in the crossface kitchen wing and four men assualt Deisel, Kev fights them all off and raise Bret's hand and both men then get the face pop.

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Todd is with Pamela whose changing behind a screen, she asks him to pass her purse, its lame.

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1-2-3 Kid and Bob Holly cut a promo about winning the tag title tournie. X-Pac was just awful on Promos back then and Bob Holly is errrh...Bob Holly.

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We then get a horrible moment with Jerry Lawler drawing (incredibly badly) himself kissing Pamela Anderson.

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Tatanka and Spark Plugg lock up and Bob gets shoved around like a ho. Bob runs in and is met with a side walk slam. Bob scores with a hurricanrota, a body slam and two dropkicks and Tatanka backs off. Bigalow in but he charges right into a droptoe hold. Bam Bam runs straight through a double back elbow and scores with a double closeline. Bam Bam swats 1-2-3 Kid around the ring. The kid nicely counters a back body drop into a ranna for two. Bam Bam comes back with a enzenguri. Tatanka in, he chops away at the Pac and gives him two hard Irish whips. Bam Bam comes back in, Pac tries to fight him off but just gets swatted and is then given a suplex. Bam Bam charges and is back body dropped over the top, Tatanka tries a back body drop but Pac flips out and pushes the two heels into eahc other. Holly and Pac try double flyign crossbodies but they both get caught. The heels try to snake eyes the faces into each other but they themselves end up running into each other. Holly tries to unload but is cut off with a low bridge and takes a nice bump to the outside. Tatanka scores with a body slam and an elbow drop. Tatanka scores with a closeline and plays to the crowd. Tatanka scores with two body slam, man Tatanka should learn some more moves. Tatanka scores with a powerslam for two. Kid misses an elbow drop and hits Bob Holly. Bam Bam comes in and hold Sparky but Tatanka misses the Tomahawk chop and he nails Bam Bam. The crowd wake up and bit as both men crawl. The two men on the apron get into it and as Holly reaches for the tag Pac isn't there and he is avalanched into the corner by Bam Bam. Bigalow then tosses Holly to the outside, Holly tries a sunset flip but Bam Bam sits on him. Bam Bam scores with a horrible looking dropkick enzenguri move. Holly crawls to the wrong corner and tags Tatanka. Tatanka scores with a side suplex and the crowd are snoozing. Tatanka scores with a closeline in the corner. Tatanka swats Holly away when he attempts a come back. Tatanka scores with a big chop, they do the double cross body collision spot and did I mention the crowd don't care one little bit. HOT TAG. Spinning crescent kick, Torpedo dropkick, Tatanka gets dropkicked off the apron. Pac gets a front flip plancha onto Tatanka. Ted gets on the apron and Bam Bam press slams 1-2-3 Kid out of the ring face first. Bam Bam scores with a body slam and goes for a Moonsault but Tatanka comes in and goes for an elbow drop but inadvertantly knocked Bam Bam off top and he takes a real nice bump and the kid crawls over and gets the pin. BIG POP!

Bam Bam then gets into it with the crowd and of course he spots LT, Bam Bam says "You think that's funny I don't see you in there". LT offers a handshake and Bam Bam shoves him over and LT acts mega pissed. There's a quality gimmicked Italian actor who shouts "He's a crazy that guy". The crowd can't LT as Bam Bam walks off.

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We then go to highlights of last year and they correctly pick Deisel eliminating everybody. They then show HBK kicking Deisel out of the ring, of course the cameras missed it.

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HBK then cuts a promo saying he'll say he'll eliminate all the big men, just like he single handedly eliminated Deisel last year. It'll be easy.

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They then show the Bret-Luger finish from last year, the only other interesting thing to happen in that rumble.

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Luger cuts a promo and he sounds silly but he actually cuts a pretty good promo by his incredibly low standards.

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They then introduce Pam and she looks very good, oh boy what age, injections, Kid Rock and most devasting of all Tommy Lee do to a pretty lady, poor girl.

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Entrant Number One is Shawn Micheals. Entrant Number Two is the British Bulldogg. This is the stupid year with the one minute entry times. Shawn jumps Davey to start but Davey comes back with a hard Irish whip and a back body drop. Davey scores with a military press and a closeline drawing the HBK oversell. Speaking of oversells Davey scores with a hard Irish whip leading to the HBK corner spot. Davey runs into a boot and HBK misses an elbow. Entrant Number Three is Eli Blu. The crowd weren't into the count and weren't into that entrant. He stops the early fun momentum dead. Entrant Number Four is Duke Droese. He runs right into a big boot by Eli. Davey lays some shoulders in on Eli in the corner. Duke scores with a spinning body slam and he locks in a bearhug? In a Rumble? Is he mad? Entrant Number Five is Jimmy Del Ray. JOBBER POWER! Shawn scores with a stomp on Davey. The Jigalow unloads on Shawn. Entrant Number Six is Sieoma. HBK is doing a good job of selling for near elimination. Jimmy Del Ray is tossed, no one cares. Jimmy Del Ray is Eliminated. Entrant Number Seven is Tom Pritchard. God the crowd are just shitting on these entrants and so am I. Nothing is happening. Entrant Number Eight is Doink. He's the first guy since Bulldogg to get any kind of pop. Doink tries to unload on the head skrinker but of course it has no effect. This is lameness everywhere. Entrant Number Eight is Kerwang. And yes Kerwang makes absolutely no impact on the match. Doink falls Shawn with a closeline. Entrant Number Nine Rick Martel. He's still knocking around then. Rick unloads on Doink. Hmmn...what would JR say...."The crowd are in stunned silence", "in awe". Entrant Number Ten is Owen Hart. Thankfully Bret attacks him on the way to the ring thus sparing us having to watch Owen's talents being wasted on this bunch of jobbers, he kicks the crap out of Owen for the whole minute. Entrant Number Eleven is Timmothy Roll. Shawn backbody dropped Duke over, and Owen has been tossed, as have Duke, Pritchard, Martel, Owen and Timothy. Duke Drose, Owen Hart, Bruce Pritchard, Rick Martel and Timothy are Eliminated. Entrant Number Twelve is Luke Bushwhacker. Luke, Sioam, Doink and Eli Blu are Eliminated. Entrant Number Thirteen is Jacob Blu. Shawn back body drops Jacob straight out. Jacob Blu is Eliminated. Entrant Number Fourteen is King Kong Bundy. Bundy gets a big round of boos. Shawn can't lift Bundy. Entrant Number Fifteen is Mo. Bundy immediately back body drops Mo out of the ring and he breaks Luke's fatest elimination record. Mo is Eliminated. Bulldogg can't lift Bundy either. This is so lame. Entrant Number Sixteen is Mabel. Mabel points right at Bundy and they go to a moving contest but after that its lame rumble stuff. Entrant Number Seventeen is Bushwhacker Butch. Oh joy of joys. Bundy is slowly tossed by Mabel adn Shawn tosses Butch. King Kong Bundy and Bushwhacker Luke are Eliminated. Shawn does a great fake elimination upside down sell in the corner. Entrant Number Eighteen is Lex Luger. Luger tosses Mabel. Mabel is Eliminated. Luger closelines the shit out of Shawn and then scores with a military press. Entrant Number Nineteen is Mantaar. Oh Holy Shit! Is this a joke. Who signed this arseclown. Mantaar scores with a hip toss and an elbow drop. Entrant Number Twenty is Aldo Montoya. God it gets worse. Entrant Number Twenty One is Henry Godwin. Oh let it end. Thing is if it was slow at least they could maybe get there awful characters ove...who the fuck am I kidding, this is a disaster. Entrant Number Twenty Two is Billy Gunn. He runs in with lots of energy and does nothing worth shouting about. Its lame rumble action all round. Entrant Number Twenty Three is Bart Gunn. Mantaar nails Bart, Go MANTAAR! This is terrible I can't describe how lame this action is, actually I could describe it accurately but then you'd never read my column again. Entrant Number Twenty Four is Mr. Bob Backlund. Backlund's gimmick was just awesome in the crazy old man gimmick, yet again Bret runs out and kills Bob to the biggest pop of the Rumble. Entrant Number Twenty Five is Steven Dunn. The crowd are not thrilled. Luger terrible closelines Bob out, to the biggest pop of the entire show. Bob Backlund is Eliminated. Bob and Bret brawl up the isle. Entrant Number Twenty Six is Dick Murdoch. The crowd are totally shitting on that entrant along with about twenty five others. Mantaar misses a blind charge in comical fashinon. Entrant Number Twenty Seven is Adam Bomb. Nothing is happening its crowded and its just total arse. MANTAAR hits the avalanche in the corner. Entrant Number Twenty nine is Fatu. Fatu unloads on Billy and nearly eliminates him. Luger eliminates MANTAAR! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My interest in this match is over. Mantaar is eliminated. Entrant Number Thirty is Crush. Crush eliminates the guns. Bart and Billy Gunn are Eliminated. Aldo back body drops Darnett out. Steve Dunn is eliminated. They show Pamela and that is undoubtable the highlight of the match so far. Shawn is doing some overselling in the corner. Murdoch does a funny attempt at eliminating Murdoch its almost dramatic. Vince is awful on commentary but he's not as bad as this match is. Murdoch is doing some doggy style headbutt but of course they don't work on Fatu. Crush back body drops Adam Bomb out of the ring. Adam Bomb is Eliminated. Crush tries to toss Fatu but he lands on the apron and kills Crush with a thrust kick. Aldo Montoya is Eliminated. Luger again saves HBK. Crush tosses Fatu ending the most interesting confrontation of the Rumble so far. Fatu is Eliminated. Murdoch gives Henry Godwin the airplane spin, Shawn does the comedy bump of the spin, Murdoch losses his balence and eliminates himself. Dick Murdoch is Eliminated. Shawn dives on Luger. Henry runs into Luger's boot and Lex follows up with closeline. Luger dodges a Henry Godwin closeline and Eliminates himself. Henry Godwin is Eliminated.

Shawn floors Davey. Luger gives crush a ten punch and Shawn dumps him like a bitch. Lex Luger is Eliminated. HBK tries to make a deal with Crush to help him eliminate Bulldog, they high five. Crush and HBK score with a double closeline and high five and then Crush attacks. Shawn counters a military press with an eye rake. Shawn dodges Davey's closeline and it eliminates Crush. Crush is Eliminated. Davey kills Shawn with a monster knee lift, HBK does some huge overselling in the corner. Bulldogg press slams Shawn onto the top rope crotching Shawn, he then shakes the rope and Shawn is groggy. Bulldog closelines Shawn over and he hangs on with only one of his feet hitting the floor. Vince says its over and they play Davey's music and as he celebrates Shawn tosses him. British Bulldog is Eliminated and Shawn Micheals is Your Royal Rumble winner.

Overall Thoughts: Avoid. Nothing to see here unless your a Jeff Jarrett freak.