Daveportivo's Cultural Evaluation Facility

The fucking ridiculous booking of Shane McMahon continues: Tonight’s Raw opens with Shane McMahon vs. Randy Orton. Shane attacks Orton from behind and closelines Orton over the top rope and they brawl beside the ramp way. They then go all 1998 on us and brawl through the crowd. Orton doesn’t land a punch for the first three minutes which is absolutely ridiculous. Shane hits a flying closeline off the barricade and lays Orton on the announce table. Shane heads up top but Legacy run out for a beatdown. MVP tries to make the save but the numbers game is too much and MVP is tossed like a bitch to the outside. Batista then makes the real save and Randy runs away as Batista spears Cody. Thankfully Vicky Guerrero comes out and says that we will still see Randy vs. Shane later on. Vicky then makes a win and your in stipulation, where by Ted will wrestle Batista and Cody will wrestle MVP, the winners will join either Orton or Batista for the match later on.

Absolutely diabolical start to RAW, the World Heavyweight Champion cannot land a single punch on a marketing executive, to make matters worse a marketing executive who gets less of a pop than MVP. However more appalling than the ridiculous booking of Shane is the defining down of MVP. It’s nice to see him mixing it up with the big boys but having him beaten down and tossed out of the ring like a punk just makes him look weak especially when thirty seconds later the heels run like little girls from Batista. It sends a clear message to the fan base MVP isn’t on a par with Batista, and what’s worse I’m guessing he’s losing to Cody later.

Matt Hardy continues to impress as a whiny bitch: Matt complains about being forced to wrestle with a broken wrist before the start of his match with Kofi Kingston. They exchange hammer locks to start the match before getting a clean break, boy are they actually giving this time? Kofi kips up out of an arm wrench and punches Matt in the cast. We get some horribly awkward action before Kofi gets a quick roll up for a near fall. Kofi misses a springboard crossbody giving Hardy control. Matt front suplex Kofi onto the top rope for a two count and then follows up with a vertical suplex for a near fall. Kofi counters a suplex with a knee strike and hits a neckbreaker. Kofi hits some Ricky the Dragon Steamboat double chops and a nice dropkick. Kofi hits a dropkick and a flying crossbody. Kofi then hits a lame leaping closeline and the Boom...Boom...Boom leg drop for a near fall. Kofi dodges a closeline and finishes Matt with the Trouble In Paradise for the 1-2-3. Matt waffles with Kofi cast match.
Well so much for the push of Matt Hardy, he had a decent shot at being an occasional main eventer/upper midcarder but looks like he’ll be playing Cowboy Bob Orton with the midcarders. These just don’t click and this was horrible clunky, Kofi has been struggling in one on ones lately. (3/4*)

Santina and Kelly Kelly talk about the future which is in fact the past: Kelly Kelly and Santino talk about their match in the future on superstar which to the people in the audience took place prior to RAW on superstars. Santino thankfully is back being Santino which is much funnier, but still not all that funny. Anyway Santino calls Vicky a pig and Chavo overhears. Chavo has a subtle line sneaking in an “excuse me”, Santino mocks Chavo’s music. Not Bad, I wonder if Mike Adamle is jealous of other men hanging around with K2. Cole did his terrible fake laugh.

Cena-Big Show booked for Judgement day: Vickie won’t let Show wrestle Cena tonight because he won’t be medically cleared for two weeks, so she makes the match for Judgement Day. We then see the Bella Twins hyping MVP’s appearance on the view and doing some synchronized comedy, its not very funny but at least it’s not mean spirited. I still don’t find them that hot, I don’t think I particularly care for twins, makes them seem less special, halves rather than doubles the fun.

Cody Rhodes has his own entrance music? Regal is on commentary, if this leads to a Regal-MVP feud I’m all in favour of that, should be some great mic work. The crowd seem legitimately into MVP, again they open with a traditional wrestling start looks like they change the match times from three to five minutes, thankfully. MVP gets a back slide for a one count but runs into a drop toe hold. MVP gets a shoulder tackle but runs into a stomp to the knee. Their using some new camera angles which takes a bit of getting used to. Cody works over the leg with a toe lock. Jerry Lawler confuses the thigh with the shin. Cody runs into a pair of elbows and slugs down Cody. MVP connects with the overhead Greco Roman throw. MVP hits the face buster and hits the quick version of the Ballin’s elbow drop. Regal gives MVP a chop block sending MVP crashing off the apron to the outside.
I’m glad to see MVP feuding with Regal as ultimately he’d just get in the way of the Main eventers and made to look inconsequential in comparison to Batista and eventually Hunter. This was another awkward match these two just have no chemistry. (1/2*)

Oh Christ! Jerry Lawler is in the ring to introduce a sing off between Jillian Hall and Festus, ugh. Well at least Smackdown had the lovely Layla dancing what the hell is this. Well Jillian sings If You Seek Amy and Festus won’t sing so they ring the bell and he starts singing Tomorrow. He’s terrible but the crowd loves it and Festus wins. Why is this on my television?

Thank God For The Miz. I’ve said it before but shouldn’t the chicken on Miz’s chick magnet shirt enjoy being pulled to the magnet not scared to death. Miz takes the mic from Festus and then puts Festus’s hand in an L for loser before throwing him like a bitch out of the ring. Miz then mocks Cena playing on his Hustle Loyalty Respect gimmick. The crowd chant for Cena and the Miz challenges him yet again. The camera shows John Cena walking groggily backstage as we go to an ad break. We come back from commercial and Miz is still mocking the crowd. He can’t understand why the crowd would boo him. Miz is wearing “Miz 1 Cena 0” arm bands. Miz asks Cena if he’s looking around backstage for his next movie script but he’s mailed it to the Rock because he ran out of toilet paper. Miz then said that he’s a WWE manufactured star for the Kiddies to cheer for and their cougar mothers to fantasize about. Awesome lines, yet again. Miz tells Lillian to announce him the winner but Cena’s music hits!

Cena doesn’t look to good and is selling like a mad man. I’m starting to think the selling he did in the dark match main event of the RAW I went to was just practice for this angle. Even selling the injure it doesn’t take him half the time it takes Orton to get to the ring. Just as Cena manages to make it through the ropes, The Big Show’s music hits. Big Show clearly massacres his balls climbing over the top rope this week. The two men stare down, Miz appears to have scarpered. Show kicks Cena in the gut and he falls like a bitch and Show gives him a series of big right to the gut. Big Show then gives Cena a polish hammer to the back and stands over Cena before a stump puller finally keeps Cena down. Show then wrenches away at a chinlock as Cena does the most cartoony sell ever until his face goes purple and Cena passes out. Big Show then looks down at Cena with cocky menace as the crowd chant for Cena.

Well the Miz was absolutely yet again, I can’t believe there letting him say the lines he’s saying especially about their top draw. I hope they can string this out for at least a month with Cena never quite managing to get his hands on him. I suspect Cena will crush him in five minutes on RAW but it’d be nice to see Miz get a pop at Cena on PPV even if its just a ten minute match, where he’s beaten decisively but gets to show he can hand with the big boys. The Big Show-Cena show down was slow but nessecary, will get the kiddies mad and gives us the iconic imagery for the video package. Cena is frustrating, some times he plays his roll well, his selling of being knocked out was awesome especially getting his face to go purple but all his over selling was just ludicrious OTT and cartoony.

A woman’s match on RAW goes over 90 seconds and features less than six divas: No I promise I’m not making it up. Mickie James defeated Maryse is a truly appalling match where Maryse managed to botch almost every spot she attempted, for those keeping score the move she successfully pulled off was the chinlock. Mickie won by dodging a wild kick and hitting the Mickie T. Well at least they are giving Maryse something to do, she does play the heel role well. Mickie looked very hot as all ways this new outfit is a keeper. Cringe induciingly bad. (1/4*)

Ted Dibiase beats Batista! Well sort of. Ted gets a quick kick and bails allowing himself to lay the boots in to Batista. Batista gets a knee to the gut and a body slam, Cole’s commentary is horrible. Ted slips out of a powerslam but runs into a Batista bomb, Ted manages to slip out of that too but can’t avoid a closeline. Batista gets a snapmare but misses the Mafia kick and Ted replies with a nice dropkick. Ted then hits a nice neckbreaker before slapping on the obligatory chinlock. Batista powers out and hits a corner closeline and a pair of shoulder blocks. Ted remains resourceful and sends Batista head first into the turnbuckle with a drop toe hold. Ted comes off top and is met with a big foot. Ted gives Batista a bitch slap but Batista unloads with shoulder blocks and stomps the crap out of Ted in the corner with stomps and the referee counts to five and DQs Batista. In a really nice touch Batista watches the replay in disbelief to see what he did wrong.
This wasn’t as good as their prior effort but Ted continues to do the little things right and for a youngster his timing in the ring is really sharp. Ted needs a better haircut though. This was fine for what it was. (*)

Chavo and Vickie tweak the main event: Chavo suggest that they make it so if Batista interferes he loses his title shot and if MVP gets involved he loses his US Title. Please tell me hunter isn’t coming back.

Carlito is next inline to squash Kendrick like a bug: Kendrick’s music remains to be absolutely awesome, I wish they’d bring back the white jacket rather than the black one that doesn’t fit. Seriously why does he have to wear black to show he’s a heel. Kendrick starts with some cowardly heel shtick. Kendrick runs into a big closeline and a back body drop and then a sky high for a near fall. Kendrick counters a springboard move with a high leg lariat for a near fall. Carlito counters the The Kendrick (Sliced Bread Number Two) with a horrible Back Cracker for the 1-2-3.
Ludicriously short match, Brian Kendrick is now official Jamie Noble a total waste. I’d love to see a student vs. Pupil feud with HBK when he returns. Too short to amount to anything. (1/2*)

Welcome to Raw is Highlight Packages: Seriously the next fifteen minutes of Raw is taken up by an assortment of pointless highlight packages and ring intros, lame.

Shane McMahon is a selfish Cunt: To the surprise of only the McMahon family Shane’s music is greeted with absolutely no reaction. So they shove Shane down the fans throats and he’s still met with apathy, oh well, hate to say I told you so. Shane unloads on Cody but runs into an elbow before hitting a sloppy closeline. Cody then runs into an arm drag, this is fucking ridiculous, Cody gets a jaw breaker and tags in Orton. Shane hits another horrible closeline and unloads on Orton forcing him to tag out. Seriously what the fuck! Ted is the latest to fail as Shane closelines him down. God at least when Triple H does this he’s an active wrestler who actually looks like he could kick someones arse. Shane dodges a closeline and hits a neckbreaker. Shane hits the flying elbow drop off the top rope but Cody makes the save. This is absolutely pathetic sickening booking. Shane botches another closeline. Shane now beats up both members of Legacy on the outside. Seriously Shane or Vince whoever is calling for Shane to be portrayed in this way is a complete twat. I think Shane has some serious issues if he feels he needs to portrayed in this way. Orton sneak attacks Shane, the only way they can get any offence in, and then applies the rugged Ronnie Garvin stomp and a knee drop. Cody tags in and misses a huge moonsault but Ted tags in.

Ted runs into a boot and is met with another mega lame closeline. Orton tags in and Shane unloads on Orton and hits a spinning back elbow and closelines Orton out of the ring and throws all three members of Legacy out of the ring. Shane is beating all three men easily and readies the announce table. This is one of the most embarsing things I’ve ever seen, and guess what the crowd is absolutely silent throughout. Shane lays Orton on the announce table and goes for the elbow drop but Orton rolls out the way and he crashes and burns. All three members of Legacy drag Shane to the steel steps and they lay his foot on the steel steps and Orton smashes him with a chair. They lay Shane’s ankle on the base of the steps and Orton picks up the top half of the Steps and “crushes” Shane’s foot when in fact he botched and completely missed. Orton does a great job of acting psychotic.

This is just pathetic, why on earth a mega rich out of shape executive needs to massage his ego by playing wrester is beyond me. The crowd didn’t react to anything Shane did in the slightest. Shane botched a series of closelines and was generally horrible, hopefully Shane will be off TV for a long time. He’s taking up a spot that an actual wrestler could be filling. This is just the definition of selfish booking your top heel and two of your biggest potential stars pretty much take a beating from one grey haired businessman until he misses an elbow drop, pathetic. (Negative -*1/2)

Overall Thoughts: Really bad edition of RAW, they had some pleasent backstage interaction and the Miz was awesome yet again but he was a lone bright spark on a turgid show. Cena and Big Show played their roles well but failed to sparkle, all tonights matches were clunky, the main event was an embarsement and the Divas match wasn’t fit to be on TV. Hopefully they can take a leaf out of Smackdown book and start pushing new stars and new feuds and the roster can get of their knees and stop fellating the McMahon now Shane is gone. This would have a worse score but seeing as I gave that abortion of an iMPACT! 3.5 last week this will get a generous (4/10)