Daveportivo's Cultural Evaluation Facility

We have a cheesy graphic introduction a as Vince McMahon runs down the card and the competitors, the Rumble looks relatively strong, can't say the same for the card. Jesse Ventura has a pony tail, a mickey mouse shirt and mouse ears, he gives Tony Schavoine a goofy hat.

God I hate the Bushwhackers I'd trust the Rougreaus to get a good match out of just about anybody but not them. Jesse is awesome on commentary, the Rougreaus hug to a big round of boos. The Brothers try to double team but Luke breaks that up. Butch breaks up a sleeper and then bites Jock and bites the ref. The Bushwhackers try to use the battering ram but the Rougreaus bail and the Whackers dance. Jock mocks the crowd and Luke unloads and bites him again. Jock gets a leapfrog and plays to the crowd. Jock dodges a closeline but it nails Raymond and Butch sneaks into the ring and closelines Jock to the floor from behind. The Whackers dance again as the Rougrueas regroup. Jock calls butch a kitchen saying they hit him from behind, that of course distracts Luke allowing Raymond to sneak attack. Raymond in and he scores with a side kick for two. Raymond scores with a hard Irish whip as the crowd reaches fever pitch. Raymond introduces Luke to the ring apron drawing a ludicriously cartoony sell. Back in the ring Raymond gets one. Luke starts biting Raymond again but he's floored. Raymond whips Luke into Jock who nails him with a forearm and a cocky pin gets two. Jock scores with a flying reverse elbow for two and Jock kips up. The Rougreaus work over Luke in the corner. The Rougreaus then double team flap jack Luke onto the top rope. Luke bites and nearly make the tag but the Rougreaus dive in to stop him. Jock locks in a abdominal stretch and Raymond tags in and nails Luke in the gut. Raymond cinches in a camel clutch and then changes to a body slam. Jock goes for a splash but Luke gets the knees up. HOT TAG. Butch scores with a gut punch, an awful knee lift, the Whackers then whip the two heels into each other. They go for the battering ram but Hart dives in and breaks it up and the crowd go nuts, Jimmy tries to weasel out but just as they have him cornered the Brothers come in with a double dropkick for two. The Rougeaus set up a double team but the Luke trips Jock and the Whackers use the battering ram for the win.

Ted Dibiase cuts a pretty good promo saying it doesn't matter he's number one this year it doesn't matter what number he draws he'll walk out the winner.

The Genius is then in the ring and he reads a promo about how dumb the Barber is.

The genius randomly decides to do a cartwheel and they lock up. Genius unloads on Beefcake in the corner but Brutus comes back with an atomic drop. Genius does a cartoon oversell and runs out of the ring. The Genius uses an eyepoke and then unloads on Beefcake but he misses a running dropkick in the corner. Brutus wins a test of strenght and stomps on the hangs. Genius tries to run away but gets caught and Beefcake sort of crotches him and the Genius bails. The Genius works over Beefcake in the corner and goes for a back body drop but Brutus levels him with a boot. Brutus scores with a stump puller but the Genius comes back again with a dropkick for two. The Genius gets a roll up for two and he then scores with a body slam. The Genius comes off top with a axe handle but is met with a gut punch. Brutus follows up with a gut punch and a body slam and calls for the sleeper but the Genius counters and the ref gets bumped. The Genius unloads with some totally limmited offense but he runs right into a sleeper. Brutus puts him to sleep and starts dancing. Brutus gets the scissors and cuts away chunks of the Genius hair. Mr. Perfect runs out and unloads on Beefcake giving him the Perfectplex as the ref calls for the DQ. Curt beats him up with a chair post match.

The Heenan family cut a pre rumble promo.

Valentine tries to walk off but Garvin chases him and then slugs down Valentine in the ring and goes for the cover but the ref tells him there's no pins. Greg comes back with a series of ruff chops in the corner. Garvin fires back and Greg does the Flair Flop and Greg bails. Ronnie does his best impression of a boxer and scores with some jabs. Valentine comes back and floors Garvin and begins droping elbows. Greg scores with a headbutt to the midsection. Greg lays in some big shots leading to a slugfest that Garvin wins but a headbutt floors both men. Garvin goes for a piledriver but Greg counters to a back body drop but Garvin counters that into a sunset flip but Greg blocks that punching him in the face and they go to a pin sequence even with no pinfalls. Both men go down off a punch. Valentine is up first and goes for a figure four but Valentine shoots him off and gets a roll up for no apparent reason. Greg comes back with a couple of knee drops and he goes for a pin too. Valentine eventually regains some IQ and locks in the figure four but Garvin is apparently smilling apparently the leg brace is blocking it and Garvin makes fun of him. Garvin gets a roll up? Fuck this is dumb. Greg then uses the over the shoulder torture rack and he follows up with an elbow drop. Greg tries another figure four? Even though it doesn't work but its blocked anyway and he opts for a choke. Garvin comes back unloading with lefts, rights, chops and headbutts. Garvin gets a leg trip and he applies the falling indian death lock but Greg makes the ropes. Greg bails to the outside. Chopfest on the outside, Garvin goes for a piledriver on the outside but Greg counters back body dropping Garvin on the outside. Back in, Garvin misses a corner dropkick and ties himself in the tree of woe, Greg stomps Garvin until the ref unhooks him. They do a shoulderblock collision spot and both men are down. While Garvin is down Jimmy Hart takes the leg brace off and Greg scores with a back breaker and applies the figure four for Garvin holds on and tries to reverse the hold he does it but Greg makes the ropes and uses them for leverage. Garvin tries to stand but he just collapse, Greg begins working over the knee and goes for another figure four but Garvin rolls him up? Seriously this late in the match? Greg floor Garvin and goes up top but Garvin hops over and gives him a military press Garvin takes off the Hammer's knee brace and Greg gets a roll up? OH COME ON! Garvin ties Valentine in the ropes and picks up the knee brace and tries to attack Jimmy Hart but Greg attacks but Garvin is ready for him and kills him with the brace. Garvin then locks in the figure four for the win.

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Curt cuts a promo on Beefcake backstage.

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Brother Love loves us and he introduces Sherri. They describe a peasent and say they know a woman like that who has no talent, finesse, she's ugly and overweight. They then introduce Saphire. Saphire and Sherri get in each others face. Brother Love doesn't let her talk, they then make face of how fat Dusty is. It goes on like this until Dusty comes out and kicks Brother Love's arse and letting Saphire slap him.

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Hacksaw Jim Duggan is backstage and he says he's coming after the Big Boss Man.

Slugfest to start, Bossman wins but Hacksaw comes back with two closelines sending the Bossman to the outside, the crowd love it. Bossman pulls Duggan out and they brawl outside. Bossman introduces Jim Duggan to the ring post but Duggan misses a charge and he meets the ring post shoulder first. Back in, Bossman scores with an avalanche in the corner. Duggan blocks a big boot but Bossman comes back with an Enzenguri. Bossman follows up with a headbutt. Bossman scores with a back rake and he keeps knocking Duggan down but Duggan keeps getting up. Bossman scores with a sloppy rope rider. Bossman introduces Duggan to the ringpost but he no sells it and tries to come back with a back body drop but he's decked immedietly. Bossman scores with a double throat thrust on Duggan. Bossman distracts the ref allowing Slick to choke Duggan. Bossman slugs down Duggan and applies a chinlock. Duggan fights out and unloads but he runs straight into a kitchen sink. Bossman applies a choke. Bossman takes Duggan down again and applies a facelock and then a knee drop for two. Bossman wins a slugfest and applies a bearhug but Duggan fights out with some big shots. Three headbutts send both men down. Bossman keeps working over Duggan in the corner. Duggan unloads with four short arm closelines and then one big running closeline sending Duggan to the outside. Bossman comes right back with a headbutt but Duggan evades the elbow drop. Duggan slugs away and gets a five punch in the corner. Duggan misses a blind charge and Bossman floors him with a closeline. Bossman comes off the top rope but misses with the big splash. They do a sloppy double shoulderblock spot. Slick holds Duggan but Bossman misses an hits Slick. Bossman uses the night stick leading to a DQ. Duggan comes in and nails Bossman with the 2x4 sending him to the outside he then slugs Slick to the outside. Bossman then throws chairs at Duggan and walks off.

Dusty cuts a promo saying he's gonna win the Rumble, then the Rockers cut a promo, then its a horrible Snuka promo apparently he goes fishing with Sharks, Slick then tells us Akeem is gonna win the rumble. ITS THE WARRIOR, THIS PROMO IS REALLY STUPID EVEN FOR HIM, BUT ITS RATINGS NONE THE LESS, BUY THE DVD FOR THIS PROMO, I could quote everything its so so good. Jake the Snake is up next with a far more reasoned promo, its realistic and its just damn awesome, he says the winner won't be the best wrestler or the best athlete its gonna be the man who's willing to go the extra mile and sacrifice and to fake that sounds like him. The heart foundation are next, there not great, Honky is next and he isn't bad. Then its Hogan and he cuts a Hogan promo.

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Entrant Number One is Ted Dibiase, Entrant Number Two is Koko B. Ware. Ted unloads straight away and scores with a reverse elbow. Ted gets a knife edge chop in the corner and follows it with a hard irish whip. Ted does some head pounds but Koko no sells it and unloads with a standing dropkick. Koko unloads with a jab and dance flurry. Koko goes for a closeline and Ted back body drops him clean over the top rope. Koko B. Ware is Eliminated. Hot Start. Entrant Number Three is Marty Jannety. Ted jumps him as he comes through the ropes but Jannety slides underneath and scores with two dropkicks before charging right into a big boot. Ted then scores with a closeline and Marty does a really nice sell. Ted comes off the second rope but is meet with a gut punch. Marty scores with a flying back elbow. Marty goes for a flying crossbody and Ted drops down and Marty goes flying over the top rope. Marty Jannety is Eliminated. Wow that was like two three minute miny matches. Entrant Number Four is Jake the Snake. The crowd are going absolutely nuts. Ted goes to meet him outside the ring and Ted body slams him on the outside and the he locks in the Milliopn Dollar Dream but Jake runs him into the ringpost. Back in, Jake scores with a back body drop and a short arm closeline and calls for the DDT. The crowd go apeshit. Ted counters the DDT with a back body drop. Ted misses and elbow and then charges into a knee lift. Entrant Number Five is Randy Savage. Amazing Start. Jake kills Randy with a back elbow but Ted comes back flooring Jake with a leg trip sending him hard into the turnbuckle. Savage scores with a second rope knee drop, Ted scores with a second rope axe handle and Randy scores with the bombs away axe handle and they tie Ted in the ropes and beat down on Jake. Entrant Number Six is Roddy Piper. Best rumble opening EVER! Roddy starts slugging everyone he dodges a double team closeline and scores with a double closeline of his own. Roddy unties Jake and they both unload with flurries back to back, they think about hitting each other and instead eye poke the heels. Jake gets an atomic drop on Ted and both men try to eliminate Randy. Savage does and axe handle of Piper and he does a great sell nearly going over the top rope, Ted drops knees on Piper and its brawling all round.Entrant Number Seven is The Warlord. Jake is scoring with a jab flurry but the Warlord makes the save and unleashes his lame offence on everyone. Piper starts laying huge bombs on the Warlord while on the other side Savage and Randy try to eliminate Jake. Randy scores with a second rope axe handle on Jake. Piper runs around nailing everyone and gives Savage and Ted a noggin knocker. Entrant Number Eight is Bret Hart. Savage tries to hold Bret for Ted but Bret dodges and Ted cleans Savage's clock. The Warlord gets a hard irish whip on Bret but runs into a boot. Bret and Piper double closeline the Warlord and then high five each other. Its brawling all round as Piper introduces Ted to the turnbuckle, Jake nearly eliminates Ted. Entrant Number Nine is Bad News Brown. Jake goes for a DDT on Ted but Savage closelines him over the top rope to make the save. Jake The Snake is Eliminated. Piper scores a big round house right and nearly sends Ted over the top rope but Savage makes the save. Its back to general rumble stuff until...Entrant Number Ten is Dusty Rhodes. Dusty gives Savage some bionic elbows and then a back elbow, Savage charges Rhodes and Savage is back body dropped High over the top rope. Randy Savage is Eliminated. Dusty gives Ted a ten punch in the corner. Entrant Number Eleven is Andre The Giant. Andre comes in and Hip tosses the Warlord over the top rope. The Warlord is Eliminated. Fuji and Heenan then get in each others face. Andre scores with the corner arse thump on Dusty, Andre then throws Piper in and scores with shoulderblocks on both men. Piper and Dusty turn it around and unload on Andre but he puts a stop to that with a Noggin knocker. Entrant Number Twelve is The Red Roster. Bad News Brown charges Piper and is back body dropped over the top rope, he then pops back up on the apron and pulls Piper backwards over the top rope. Bad News Brown and Roddy Piper are Eliminated. Brown and Piper brawl back up the ramp as referees try to seperate them and the crowd chant "Roddy". Virgil stops Dusty from eliminating Ted. Entrant Number Thirteen is Demolition Axe. Andre the Giant tosses the Red Rooster. The Red Rooster are eliminated. Axe pounds the crap out of Andre taking him off his feet, he tries to choke Andre who comes back with a choke of his own. The crowd start a "weasel" chant. Dusty and Axe tie Andre in the top rope and unload on him in the ropes beating the crap out of him. They say their gonna toss him but when they unhook him they give him a double chop. Entrant Number Fourteen Is Haku. Ted gives Bret Hart and Atomic drop and a second rope axe handle. Andre and Haku work down Dusty and Axe. Dusty no sells and gives Haku the flip flop and fly before collapsing. Haku unloads with chops and kicks on Axe while Andre holds him back. Entrant Number Fifteen is Smash. Smash runs straight over to Axe and helps him beat down Andre and Haku. Demoliton scores with a double back elbow on Haku. Haku saves Dibiase from elimination. Andre starts choking down Dusty who fires back with an eyepoke. Entrant Number Sixteen is Akeem. There's eight in the ring now. Axe and Smash give Andre a double closeline. Ted tosses Bret Hart and at the same time Demolition try it again and get Andre. Andre slugs Axe from the outside. Bret Hart and Andre the Giant are eliminate. Dibiase floors smash with a closeline and follows up with an inverted atomic drop. Entrant Number Seventeen is Jimmy Snuka. Superfly is met by Akeem who just pounds the crap out of him. Akeem plays to the crowd and Snuka gives him a flying chop and sends Akeem over the top rope. Akeem is Eliminated. Ted and Dusty are both slugging it out on there knees. Dusty gets to his feet and drops a bionic elbow drop. Ted comes off the second rope with an axe handle on Dusty. Entrant Number Eighteen is Dino Bravo. Bravo tries to body slam Haku out but Jimmy stops it. Demolition give Ted Dibiase a double back elbow. The crowd go nuts everytime Ted Dibiase is in jepordy. Its rumble stuff all round. Entrant Number Nineteen is Earthquake. Its Tremors!!!!!!! Earthquake gives Dusty a back closeline and sends him over and out. Dusty Rhodes is Eliminated. The match is low on big faces now. Earthquake lifts Axe up and over the top rope with ease. Axe is Eliminated. Earthquake lays some knees in on Haku in the corner. Haku comes back with a second rope headbutt. Entrant Number Twenty is Jim Niedhart. He goes straight for Earthquake but loses a slugfest. Three men try to eliminate Earthquake, they get his legs up but call for help, Snuka gets him level with the top rope. Ted comes up and helps him teeter on the top rope and Bravo gives him the final push as six men toss Earthquake in afun spot. Earthquake is eliminated. Jim and Smash give Ted a double atomic drop. Entrant Number Twenty One is the Ultimate Warrior. The crowd are going bananas. Bravo gives Warrior an inverted atomic drop but Warrior just tosses him anyway. Dino Bravo is Eliminated. The Warrior is no selling everything and starts brawling with smash. Jim and Warrior hit ted with about twenty knife edge chops absolutely killing Ted. Entrant Number Twenty Two is Rick Martel. Smash meets him with a slugfest. Ted misses a back elbow and is floored by a big forearm by Niedhart. Haku backbody drops Smash but he lands on the apron but Haku finishes him with a superkick. Smash is Eliminated. Martel is closelined over the top but in a nice spot he hangs on to the bottom rope with one hand and stays in. Entrant Twenty Three is Tito Santana. Tito goes straight for Martel and gives him ten headpounds in the corner. Warrior runs the ropes and scores with a big closeline on Haku. Tito blocks a second rope axe handle with a gut punch. Haku lays a series of shoulderblocks in on the Warrior. Entrant Number Twenty Four is the Honky Tonk Man. Big boos for Honky. Honky is met with the Warrior but Ted helps Honky double team him. Ted then helps Honky eliminate Jim. Jim Niedhart is Eliminated. The Warrior then knocks Ted over the top rope with a running closeline. Ted Dibiase is Eliminated. The Warrior gives Martel a lifting choke. Entrant Number Twenty Fire is Hulk Hogan. The roof is blown off this place. Hulk sloppily closelines Snuka out. Jimmy Snuka is eliminated. Hogan gives Haku a running corner back elbow and then big boots Haku over the top rope. Haku is eliminated. Martel gives Santana an atomic drop and is then tossed by Warrior. Tito Santana is Eliminated. Hogan gives Honky a back elbow and rips his shirt off. Honky picks up the ripped shirt and chokes out Hogan with the shirt. Entrant Number Twenty Six is Shawn Micheals. Hogan tosses Honky, Warrior Tosses Shawn Micheals and the Warrior tosses Rick Martel.

Honk Tonk Man, Shawn Micheals and Rick Martel are eliminated. Hogan and Warrior have the bit stare off as the crowd go mad. They start a shoving match, they shoulderblock each other but no one goes down, they criss cross leading to the double closeline spot. Entrant number Twenty Seven is the Barbarian. He drops elbows on both Hogan and Warrior, Barbarian gives Hogan a big boot and Rick Rude runs out of nowhere to work down Warrior. Aparently Entrant Twenty Eight is Rick Rude. Rude scores with a dropkick on Warrior. The heels are just pounding down both men but Hogan Hulks Up! Hogan then closelines all three men and Warrior goes over, Warrior comes back in the ring and closelines both Barbarian and Rude. Warrior is Eliminated. Entrant Number Twenty Nine is Hercules. Herc unloads on the heels whipping them both into Hogan's big boot and the faces have the advantage. Hogan body slams the Barbarian and gives him two elbow drops and then tries to eliminated Barbarian and fails. Hogan scores with the axe bomber closeline on the Barbarian. Entrant Number Thirty is Mr. Perfect. Perfect runs straight to the ring and attacks Hogan from behind. The commentators are debating whether Hogan intentionally eliminated the Warrior. Barbarian floors Rude with a big boot and then Herc closelines Barbarian out. The Barbarian is Eliminated.

Perfect gives Herc a standing dropkick and Rude closelines Hercules up and over the top rope. Hercules is Eliminated. The heels try a double team but it fucks up and Perfect gets knocked to the apron. Hogan whips Rude and Curt low bridges Rude out of the ring. Rick Rude is Eliminated. Hogan slingshots Perfect back into the ring. Henning scores with a closeline and goes for the Perfect plex and nails it but Hogan hulks up and catapults Henning into the ringpost. Hogan scores with two closelines and then tosses Henning over the ringpost and out. Mr. Perfect is Eliminated and Hulk Hogan is your Royal Rumble winner.

Final Thoughts: The midcard is unispiring but passable but make no mistake this is a one match show. The Rumble is great and combined with Warriors ridiculous promo this is a much see, even if you only watch an hour and a bit of it.