Daveportivo's Cultural Evaluation Facility

TNA Hard Justice 2008

Hard Justice 2008

Okay I've not seen the TV building up to this but I've been reliably informed this is the worst most illogical TV builds ups to a PPV in along time. The Openening video package is quite good but pretty silly as per usual.

Lauren sees Sting entering the arena but he's silent an not answering questions, he dressed as Steve Borden if you were wondering. Flithee and Grand Master Caz then open the show with a rap and the crowd are some what bemused. I thought they were just gonna do one verse but no they run through the whole track, I'd of thought they'd of runs some highlights over the top of this. The crowd slowly get into it with the chant along at the end.

X Division Title Match

Consequences Creed vs. Petey Williams (w/Raka Khan)

Creed gets a shoulderblock and a headlock takedown, Petey gets an arm wringer but Creed kips up, Petey misses a springboard cross body. Creed scores with a walk up elbow, Petey counters a TKO with an arm drag and Creed counters a Destroyer with leg takedown. Creed scores with a guerrilla press gut buster and follows up with a front flip plancha. Petey comes back with a apron leg drop. Petey gets a slingshot gut buster. The crowd are massively in favour of Petey. Creed unloads with a punch combo and when he does the splits Petey nails him with a dropkick and does the Steiner press ups. Big "Petey" chant. Creed slides to the apron but Petey kicks his legs out and scores with the plancharanna and play to the crowd. "Let's Go Petey", Creed comes back with a nice roll up. Petey drop kicks Creed onto the ropes and scores with a dropkick against the ropes. It's posing time. Petey gets an eye rake and Creed swings wildly. Petey scores with a hard Irish whip and Petey runs straight into a brutal superkick. Slugfest, Petey scores with a corner closeline but runs into a closeline and a back elbow. Creed is pressed onto the apron and he comes back with a springboard bulldog and this time Creed scores with the dancing combo. Petey gets the Headscissors to the Side Russian Legsweep. Creed rolls through the Destroyer but gets caught with a jaw breaker, Creed explodes with a closeline. Petey tries a slingshot but Creed counters to his finsher but Petey counters with a crucifix for two. Creed blocks a Destroyer and then flips over Petey. Creed misses a closeline but scores with a brutal enzenguri, Creed tries the Guerrilla gut buster but Petey counters it into a sharp shooter, Petey grabs the arm but he still makes the ropes, to huge boos. "Let's Go Petey" chant. Petey bitch slaps Creed and Creed says bring it on. Creed no sells the chops and Petey scores with a running lariat. Creed gets the realese German, a leaping palm strike and a high knee. Creed then nails the CreedDT and the guillotine leg drop but Petey kicks out! Kahn gets on the ring apron and tries to slap Creed so he gives her the TKO. Creed counters the Destroyer into the reverse Tombstone for two! Bashir comes down the ramp and nails Creed in the back with a chair and Petey scores with the Destroyer for the win to a massive pop.

Hot Opener, shame about the overbooking. (**3/4)

Shiek Abdul Bashir then cuts an anti-American promo, how passe, it would be cool if they made him a baby face.

We are then with Joe who says he's more focussed than he'd ever been before. He's tired of the hoctus pocus. Joe said Stings biggest issue is with him. Topless Kev is backstage, looking ripped, Kev says he has his back and will keep Sting away from ringside. Kev walks off and Joe says its about Booker, he says this "wannabe indy" worker is gonna stomp his arse, and by God Joe is pro wrestling.

The Beautiful People & Awesome Kong vs. Gail Kim, ODB & Taylor Wilde

Special Guest Referee: Taylor Wilde

ODB has a swig to start the match up. ODB then does all her dancing stuff while Love looks sickened. Sky tags in and she says ODB smells and sprays her with perfume and then mocks ODB. ODB scores with the monster low blow and a closeline. ODB then picks up the perfume and sprays her crotch. Kim tags in and unloads with a diving closeline and a second rope sunset flip for two. Kim then scores witha rope walk arm drag. Love in and Kim kills her with a japanese arm drag. Wilde tags in and love stomps the crap out of Wilde, Wilde cartwheels into an arm drag and a dropkick. Kong tags in and Wilde unloads with some kicks to the legs but runs into a body check. Kim in but she tries a cross body and gets caught and tossed. ODB comes in and wins a slugfest, the shoulder block doesn't work and ODB runs into a closeline. Kim and Wilde come in but Kong runs through the tamdem closeline and kills them with a double closeline. A high low from Kim and Wilde does the trick. Kong charges and the faces low bridge her to the outside. ODB tries to charge Kong but is tripped by Sead at ringside. Tracy Brooks then throws Sead out. Kong isn't happy and gets distracted. ODB gets the beer mist on Kong but Kong responds with a butterfly press in the corner. Velvet Sky comes in with the octopus stretch and bites the arm. We get some brilliant camera work of Sky's arse. ODB breaks the hold and we get the hot tag. Kim gets a running closeline on Love, they trade counters and Love ends up sending Kim off the apron and into the guard rail. Love scores with an elbow drop for two. Love then chokes Gail with Gail's Pony tail, that was cool. Love pounds down from a mount and then chokes Gail. Tracy pulls Love off Kim. Love scores with a hard Irish whip and gets a foot choke. The crowd pop huge everytime Sky bends over. Wilde tags in as Love and Brooks argue. Wilde gets a dropkick and a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Kong tries a powerbomb but Kim runs in with an enzenguri, ODB spears Sky. Love scores with a lovely Yakuza kick on Wilde that was awesome. Wilde counters a wheel barrow move to a roll up for the win.

Really fun six woman's tag match and man Velvet Sky is hot, too hot she distracts the crowd. (**1/4)

Lauren is with Devon and Ray, in the rafters looking for Sting, Lauren finds out Ray is scared of Heights and Devon is scared of heights as they ask Sting for help, but he's not there.

TNA World Tag Team Title Match

Beer Money Inc. (w/Jackie) vs. LAX (w/Selinas & Hector Guerrero)

LAX go right after Beer Money on the outside, Hernandez whips Storm into the steel guard rail and Homicide introduces Roode to the steps. Storm comes back and whips Hernandez into the rail. Homicide scores with a flying back elbow, LAX then get the corner closeline and the shoulder charge, then it a closeline and the catpult closeline senton backbreaker combo. Hernandez then scores with the mega stalling suplex as Homicide works the crowd into a frenzy. Homicide scores with a butterfly suplex for two. Homicide noggin knocks both heels off the apron. Homicide tries a dive but is pulled out and is double closelined. Hernandez then scores with a flying press to the outside as Hernandez lands on his feet and rips his shirt the crowd go nuts. Homicide gets the overhead belly to belly suplex. Jackie spits beer into Homicide's eyes allowing Roode to score with a Lariat. Its a corner closeline combo from Beer Money followed by a neck snaper from Roode and a knee drop from Storm. Roode scores with a tilt a whirl back breaker for two. He tries it again and Homicide lands on top for two. Roode comes back with a big boot for two. Beer Money then hit the double suplex and its the pose and time to shout "Beer Money!" that triggers a huge "LAX" chant. Roode gets a droptoe hold and clubs down Homicide. Storm puts Homicide on the top rope and scores with a DDT on the hanging Homicide. "Beer/LAX" chant. Homicide dodges a closeline but runs into a high knee. Beer Money give Homicide a wishbone splitter, Roode applies a chinlock and the crowd come to life. Homicide fights out and runs right into a back elbow. Roode scores with the three Amigos and mocks Eddie and blows snot. Roode goes up top and misses the frog splash. Hernandez gets the slingshot shoulder block and unloads with closelines and back body drops. Hernandez whips the heels into each other and gives them a Stinger Splash and a cracker jack for Roode and a spine buster gets two on Storm. Roode tries a sunset flip but Hernandez powers him up. Storm scores with an Enzenguri and Roode scores with the block buster for two. Hernandez comes back with a double closeline. Homicide scores with a double torpedo dropkick, Homicide gets a snap suplex and a big splash for two. Roode blocks the 187 and scores with the double A spinebuster. Hernandez gets a reverse torture rack bomb on Storm. Homicide gives Roode a 187. Hernandez then after a bitch slap gives Homicide a Border Toss to the outside onto beer Money, THAT WAS AWESOME! Storm low bridges Hernandez and the girls brawl at ringside, Homicide goes for the Cop Killer but Roode comes in and kills Homicide with the beer bottle to the eye for the win.

Wow that was a refreshingly awesome tag title match and damn its been awhile since the tag divisions hey day. The finish was a bit OTT but for impact that was a clean finish. Great action with some cool spots. (***1/4)

Nash is backstage with Sting he says these guys don't understand they don't know, Sting says they know, Kev says there must be another way to go about it, Sting says there is no other way to go about it.

Black Tie Brawl & Chain Match

Jay Lethal (w/So Cal Val) vs. Sonjay Dutt

Well thank you Vince Russo, Dutch Mantell, Jeff Jarrett or whoever the fuck came up with this shit. Take two of your best wrestlers, chain them together to ruin their high flying, then make two men strip each other because yeah men want to cheer on two dudes ripping each other's clothes off. God it's degrading when they make the women do it why bring this to the men.

The crowd chant for Lethal at the start. A guy at ringside has a "fire russo" T-shirt. Jay doesn't put on his half of the chain instead tying it to the top rope and he unloads on Dutt as the ref tries to free the chain. Lethal keeps pounding down on Dutt. When Lethal finally decides to put the chain on Dutt decides to low blow Lethal with the chain. Dutt rips off some of Lethal's tux. The crowd chant for Lethal some more. Dutt tries a fist drop with the chain but Lethal unloads and scores with a bionic elbow and starts ripping Sonjays tux. Lethal gets a flying back elbow. Lethal tosses Dutt and follows up with a plancha. Lethal whips Dutt into the guard rail and then into the ringstep. Dutt's tux has ripped in a cool way. Dutt tries to walk away through the crowd and Lethal pulls the chain and sends Dutt into the guard rail hard. Lethal ties Dutt to the ringpost and rips away at the Guru's clothes. Small "Fire Russo" chant. Dutt scores with a stiff kick and plays to the crowd. Jay misses a charge but floors Dutt on the apron anyway. Jay then hands Dutt on the apron. Val comes up on the apron and tells Jay to stop. Val walks off to the back. While Jay is distracted by Val Dutt pulls the chain and sends Jay into the ringpost. Dutt puts Jay in the tree of Woe and removes the shirt and jacket, leaving the pants and cumberband. Lethal plays to the crowd. Dutt mocks Lethal's family. "Fire Russo" chant not particularly big but loud enough. Lethal fires back and we get a clumpsy collision. "Boring" chant, Dutt gets a back breaker and tries a slingshot move put Lethal pulls the chain and Dutt flies down hard. Lethal uses the chain sending Lethal hard into the corner. Dutt escapes half way through the Lethal combination and Jay scores with the wheel barrow bomb. We get an awkward moment and then Dutt scores with the Calcutta Cutter. BIG "Fire Russo" chant, my sentiments exactly. Dutt misses the Hindu press and Jay gets the rolling Fisherman's suplex for two. Dutt keeps hanging onto the chain so Jay can't go up top. Jay scores with the Lethal Combination and the Picture Perfect Elbow Drop for the win.

The gimmick killed this match absolutely dead. I don't liked gimmick matches used frequently and for no reason, which is TNA's speciality but the thing is this feud actually called for a gimmick match to blow things off. But TNA manages to do the thing I hate more than over using Gimmick matches for no reason: the retarded stupid hinder the wrestlers, take away from the match rather than enhance the match, gimmick match. Poor Jay and Dutt the crowd turned on the match and who can blame them, the match might not be Russo dirrect fault but its about time someone got fired for this crap. (3/4*).

Booker T and Sharmell are backstage, Borash asks them about Sting but Booker is more interested in complaining about the crappy lockeroom. Book says he knows what Sting's agenda, they think alike, Booker think Sting has issues. Issues like Samoa Joe, Booker says Sting doesn't respect Joe. Booker calls Joe a backyard a wannabe indy worker, they must have fucked up the order of the pre recordered interviews. Booker then has a glass a champagne.

The video package for the Cage & Rhino-Dudleys match was pretty good except for one comment "four hardcore legends", seriously? Christian Cage a hardcore legend? Sorry ask New Jack if he thinks TLC matches a hardcore, not that I'd ever wanna watch a New Jack match but you get my point.

Rhino & Christian Cage vs. Team 3D

Team 3D try to jump Cage and Rhino and they soon descend into a four way brawl. Cage lays in some lame brawling on Bubba. Rhino gets a shoulderblock on Devon. Rhino blocks a hiptoss and nails Devon with a sloppy closeline. Ray misses a blind charge, Cage can't closeline Ray over and runs into a big back body drop. Ray hits Cage with a sloppy cage shot. Its all gone very 1998 on us as they brawl through the crowd. Rhino gives Devon a beer shower, that reprobate. This was revolutionary in 1996 when Sullivan-Benoit did it but it just sucks now. TNA are exposing the poor attendence. Rhino takes a crap bump down the stairs and Cage takes a dive into the crowd but you can't see how high or what he jumped into. The retards in the audience are loving, although I'm kind of hoping they do this garbage in london in January. Ray and Christian slowly make their way to ringside. Ray plays to the crowd then slugs Cage over the guard rail. Ray then gets an axe handle off the guard rail to big cheers. Rhino throws Devon into some street signs. Christian gets a sign from a fan that says "Christian use my sign" on and he does. Ray does a goofy sell. "ECW" chant. Cage and Rhino give Ray and double back drop and Devon a double suplex. Ray then kills Cage and Rhino with the street sign and plays to the crowd. Ray throws the steps into the ring and Devon runs down Rhino. Ray throws Cage on the steps and goes to the second rope. Cage catches him and bulldogs him off the second rope onto the steps. Cage nails Devon with the Detour sign. Cage misses Ray and hits the steps with a detour sign. Ray then gives Cage a Bubba Bomb off the steps in a nice spot. Ray hits Cage with a sign. Rhino hits Ray with a closeline and Devon closelines down Rhino. Devon charges Cage but he puts up a stop sign, haha, Devon turns and gets GORE!!! for a near fall. Cage hits a flying cross body on Ray for two but Ray then counters a Unprettier into an electric chair drop. Rhino then rams Devon into Ray's crotch ten times and gets a roll up for two. Devon and Rhino go to a collision spot. Cage goes for a Frankenstiener but Bubba counters with a sit out superbomb for a near fall. Ray hits Rhino with a sign. Devon gets the tables as Ray beats the crap out of Rhino with a sign. Rhino comes back with a double closeline. Rhino the nails both of Team 3D with the ladder. Cage climbs to the top of the ladder and scores with the frog splash on Ray, Rhino then GORES!!!! Ray but the table doesn't break to a round of big boos for the win.

Garbage brawl if you seen one you've seen a million had some interesting spots and some moments of utter lameness. (**)

After the match Johnny Devine runs out and clobbers Cage and Rhino but Abyss music hits and he fights off the heels and scores with a black hole slam on Devine.

Lauren talks with AJ who thinks he's cool with Sting and he says as far as Kurt goes its personal, they wanna beat the shit out of each other. AJ says Kurt man be the better wrestler but AJ is the better man. AJ garentees he will win.

Last Man Standing Match

Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles

Kurt bails when AJ tries to attack and AJ rips on Kurt. Kurt gets back into the ring and bails again. A Third time Kurt bails to big boos. Kurt spits on AJ so AJ chases him around the ring and of course he pounds AJ when he comes back in. Kurt scores with a european upercut and a snap suplex for two, Kurt locks in a chinlock? "Let's Go AJ/Let's Go Angle" chant. AJ fights up and unloads on Kurt, stomping the crap out of Kurt. Kurt gets an eye rake on AJ and an uppercut but runs straight into a nice dropkick. AJ then closelines Kurt hard to the outside. AJ then follows up with a brutal front flip Tope for a near fall. The speed on that dive was awesome. AJ throws Kurt into the guard rail and gives Kurt a big kick. AJ gets the scoop slam and the AJ knee drop. Kurt begs off and then tosses AJ through the middle ropes. Kurt then introduces AJ to the guard rail and scores with a european uppercut. Kurt tries a whip into the guard rail but AJ jumps over the guard rail and tries a springboard off the guard rail but Kurt catches him and gives him a brutal double leg suplex into the guard rail for two. That was awesome, Kurt then introduces AJ to the steel steps. Aj begins to fire back knocking Kurt's plaster off his head. Kurt tries a suplex on the ramp but AJ counters with a snap suplex on the ramp for two. AJ slugs away at Kurt on the edge of the stage but Kurt dodges a right and scores with a realese German suplex onto the concrete floor, Kurt then scores with a cannon ball off the stage onto AJ! Kurt shouts "Whose too old" fucking hell that was cool. Kurt takes AJ in a headlock to ringside and introduces AJ to the announce table. Kurt scores with a stiff kick to the ribs of AJ. Kurt scores with a back breaker for two and Kurt slaps on the chinlock. AJ fights to the corner and explodes with an enzenguri. AJ gets a leap frog and Kurt runs into the turnbuckle, AJ gets a big knife edge chop but AJ runs right into a cocky overhead release German suplex. Kurt scores with a body slam fortwo and Kurt returns to the chinlock? Come on Kurt your better than that, you've shown it through most of this match. The chinlock goes on for quite a while. AJ fights out and unloads on Kurt with a flurry of strikes. Kurt dodges a closeline and they go to the cross body collision spot. AJ unloads with a flurry of closelines, Kurt blocks a leapfrog and puts AJ on the Apron but AJ scores with the springboard shoulder block. AJ buts Kurt in the torture rack and then spins Kurt into a blue thunder bomb for a near fall! AJ calls for the Clash but Kurt counters to the Ankle Lock, AJ kicks him off and Kurt runs into a hard spinebuster. AJ goes to the Top rope but Kurt pops up AJ shoves him off and AJ goes for a Dragonranna but Kurt counters to a Powerbomb pin for two but Kurt then tries a Styles Clash but Styles counters to a Ankle Lock and the heel hook and Kurt taps. The ref gets to a count of nine hopping.

AJ tries the springboard backflip DDT but Kurt steps back and scores with a absolutely brutal low blow, Kurt then scores with the rolling German suplexes four of them with a back flip release on the last one for a near fall! Kurt takes the straps down and AJ slips out of the Angle Slam and AJ scores with the Pele and both men are down. AJ crawls over for a near fall. Kurt slugs AJ on the top rope but AJ knocks Kurt off with back elbows but Kur pops up with a release German suplex for a three count and a count of 7.

Kurt then scores with an Angle Slam for a Three count and a count of 8. Angle tries an Angle Slam but AJ counters to the Styles Clash for a three count and then a count of 9.8.

AJ puts Kurt on the top rope and goes for a superplex but Kurt tries to suplex AJ out of the ring but AJ counters with a top Super DDT for the pin and the win! Holy Shit!

Really, Really Good match not quite great but boy oh boy was that an incredible finish, knowing Kurt's history you can't help but be scared for him and you can tell the crowd were shocked by that finish. The chinlocks from Kurt were again a let down and they soaked up three or four minutes but the rest of the action was excellent. An Extra 1/4* just for the finish. (****)

AJ then comes back to the ring as the EMTs are loading Kurt onto a stretch and tosses him on his head again. AJ walks off and the lights go off and Sting appears and gives AJ a Scorpion Death Drop on th e ramp way. Kevin Nash comes out and asks Sting what the hell was that. The EMTs then help AJ away from the ring.

TNA World Title

Six Sides Of Steel & Weapons Match

Booker T vs. Samoa Joe

Mixed reaction for both men but they are leaning towards Joe. Joe tackles Book before he can use a hockey stick. Joe runs into a back elbow and Book unloads. Joe stops Book using a weapon with a headbutt. Joe gets a running back elbow and an enzenguri but the Camera's totally miss it. Joe snapmares Booker and then kicks a trash can into Booker and then scores with the senton backsplash crushing the trash can onto Book. Joe then smashes Book with a Kendo stick to a mixed reaction. Joe unloads with a flurry. Book returns fire with back elbow in the corner and he smashes Joe with the remainder of the Trash can. Book misses with the Hockey stick and Joe kills Book with an enzenguri. Joe gets two trash can lids and gives Book a noggin knocker and just unloads on Book with the lids for two. Joe misses with a chair and Book scores with a spinning heel kick sending the chair into Joe's face. Book slugs Joe with the chair and Book is bleeding. Book does some ground and pound and then leg drops a trash can lid onto Joe's head. Book then chokes Joe with an axe Handle. Book tries to escape but Joe catches him and gives him an ace crusher off the top rope. Joe then introduces Book to the steel cage. Joe begins to climb the cage but Book gives Joe a back suplex off the top rope. Booker then locks a guillotine choke but Joe makes the ropes. Booker throws Joe the trash can lid and Book gives Joe a Harlem Side Kick sending the lid into Joe's face for two. Booker tries to climb the cage and both men battle on the top rope. Joe then gives Book an enzenguri on the top rope, Book gets crotched on the way down. Joe gets two closelines and the snap powerslam for two. Joe then scores with the powerbomb to STF to Crossface and Book makes the ropes. Some dick head starts a Chris Benoit chant. Joe gets a chair and lays two of them in the middle of the ring. Joe gives Book the Enzenguri on the top rope and goes for the Muscle Buster but Book counters to the Book End on the two chairs for a two count. Booker then Spinaroonies up and scores with the Scissor kick as the lights go out. The lights come back on and Joe nails Book with a guitar for the win.

Well I guess you know who is coming back. Not a particularly lenghty match but Booker is just an average worker and he drags Joe down by not stepping up his game or changing his style. (**1/2)

Overall Thoughts: Well there's enough good wrestling on this show for me to recommend it three good matches and a couple of decent ones and one abortion. Basically this was another Gimmick overload by TNA. It just killed the show, it's either overbooking or over gimmicking with TNA if not both and its just garbage. TNA needs to desperately sort itself out. The show was just burned out with all this meaningless crap all over it. AJ-Angle was the only match that really deserved a gimmick to blow off the fued we didn't need all this crappy violence. TNA is living in ECW in 96, WCW in 97 and 99 and its fucking terrible how about they say fuck the past and actually live in the presence but oh no Jarrett is back (which I don't mind) and it looks like we're getting take two at the Billionare's club vs. new breed at least they've got the heel and faces the right way round. Anyway somewhat recommendation for the Angle-Styles match but this is a million miles from must see.

TNA Catch Up Second Edition - Slammiversary

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Slammiversary 2008

They open with a history package that's actually pretty nice and makes the current product look very dynamic, perhaps most interesting now I bet to newer fans, not that anyone orders these things, that the Hogan footage looks like a big deal. They ruin it with a silly skit with a Tiger Woods look alike being nailed by Jeff with a guitar and then were live in Music City for there fifth year celebration with the lo cash cowboys and big pyro and the crowd go suitably nuts.

LAX come out and I realize Konnan is with them and realise I've download the wrong bloody slammiversary.....boy do I feel like a tit, okay I'll download the correct one. Let's make pretend this never happened......

Slammiversary 2008

We start with a Memphis themed opening where they run down the card its actually pretty cool, especially the knock out section. Okay first thought, I know he was fueding with Booker for a while but why the fuck is Robert Roode in the King Of The Mountian Match? It's year number six for TNA who'd of thunk it.

Note to Don West, don't try and talk over the pyro retard.

X Division Title Match

Kaz vs. Petey Williams

Petey is wearing a face guard to cover up a broken orbital bone. Kaz front flips out of an arm wringer, they trade arm wrenches until Kaz gets a clever pin for nothing. Kaz gets a couple of arm drags and a cross body for two. They lamely trade pins and then both take turns blocking each others finishers and then Kaz gets the seated turnbuckle dropkick. Kaz gets a spinning heel kick and a springboard leg drop for two. Rhaka Kahn gets in Kaz's face allowing Petey to score with a swinging DDT off the apron. Petey scores with a chest first hard Irish whip and Petey plays to the crowd. Petey scores with a really tight spinning heel kick and its more posing. Petey does some pedestrain work, Petey runs into a roll up in the corner. Kaz gets another roll up and Petey shoots Kaz to the outside, that looked terrible, but Petey makes up for it with the plancharanna. Petey scores with a back breaker and a neck breaker for two, the crowd are really into this show. Petey argues with the ref. Petey gets an arm breaker. "Let's Go Petey/Let's Go Kaz" with Petey getting bigger cheers. Petey gets a snap suplex and a arm scissors and face lock. Don West says Petey is wrestling like Scott Stiener, Scott fucking wishes. Kaz botches a flip over Petey and scores with with a diving Yakuza kick. Both men are down and the crowd are even big into the count. Petey misses a closeline and Kaz unloads. Kaz scores with a flying forearm and a back elbow. Kaz scores with the Harlem Spine Buster. Kaz dodges Petey and scores with a slingshot DDT for two. Kaz slingshot's Petey in and changes up to an ace crusher in mid air for two, really nice spot. "This is Awesome" nah this is pretty good. Petey gets a dropkick to the back and the Petey Pump Russian Legsweep. Kaz blocks a Canadian Destroyer and Petey ends up scoring with a bearhug DDT that was absolutely brutal for a near fall. Petey goes up top and Kaz gives him an Enzenguri and Kaz goes for the Flux Capacitor but Petey fights it off and goes for the Destroyer, its blocked and Petey gets an arm wringer onto the top rope. Kaz counters the Petey Sweep into a backslide, Petey counters to the Destroyer but Kaz counters to a reverse tombstone for a near fall. Kahn comes in and Kaz kills her with a brutal Yakuza kick that was fucking cool. Scott gives Petey the pipe he nails Kaz in the head and it only gets a near fall. Kaz has done a monster blade job, Petey counters a roll up into the Sharp Shooter but Kaz breaks it, Kaz counters an Oklahoma roll into a Wave Of the Future for a near fall! Scott gets in Kaz's way so Kaz Yakuza kicks him off the apron, Kaz goes for a sunset flip but Petey counters into the Canadian Destroyer for the win.

Very good match but pretty sloppy in places but a damn good opener with great action. throughout, dramatic if completely over the top finish the crowd are justifiably hot after that. (***1/4)

Post match Stiener beats the crap out of Kaz complaining he can't get a title shot, and says if he can't have one he'll make sure Kaz doesn't make his. Abyss music hits and he gives Petey a black hole slam, he gives Scott one and he thinks about gives Kahn a choke slam but lets her go and instead gives her a blackhole slam. More man on Woman violence, TNA have a real problem.

Eric Young says he's found Elvis and has a seat reserved for him.

We then go to a video on Kevin Nash in his roll as special enforcer and whether he's with Joe or not. He says he's got alot of stock invested in Joe, he says if Nash loses his introuble but if Joe wins he cashes in big.

We go to a nice hype video on the Knockout division (best booked division in wrestling) and then we go to clips of Graceland.

The Beautiful People & Moose vs. Gail Kim, ODB & Roxxi

Man Velvet Sky is hot I know I say this everytime I see her but damn. She should really tone down the make up though. The beautiful People are great heels.

Sky and Love run away leaving Moose to be attacked by all three baby faces. Roxxi gets an arse thump, ODB gets a Stinger splash and Gail Kim gets a Hair slam. The beautiful people try and walk off but Kim and ODB attack them and brawl on the apron. Roxxi absolutely unloads on Moose but Love trips Roxxi and Moose scores with a flap jack. Sky tags in and she unloads from a mount. Sky gets a spinal tag and Love follows up with a seated dropkick. Love unloads with a girly flurry. Moose unloads with a knee strike combo and follows up with a fireman's carry spinning neckbreaker. Sky applies an Octopus stretch and she bites the hand, Sky rolls into a sunset flip but Roxxi kills her with a running kick. Kim in, she closelines down Sky. Sky misses a blind charge, Kim floors everyone and scores with a flying crossbody for two. Love trips Kim to stop her momentum and works her injured leg on the apron. Sky works over the leg of Kim. Kim scores with a nice counter package for two. Love tags in. Love takes down the knee pad and drops elbows on the knee. She works over the leg on the ropes in a variety of ways. Love plays to the crowd then kicks out Gail's leg and locks in a half boston crab. Gail nearly makes the ropes but Moose and Sky pull the ropes away and Love moves her back to the centre. Eventually Gail makes it to the ropes the otherside. Moose tags in with the Indian deathlock with a bridge into a surfboard but ODB breaks it. "ODB" chant, Moose locks in the stretch muffler but Kim makes the ropes and uses them to work into a ranna, nice spot. Kim misses an Enzeguri but kicks off Moose and HOT TAG. ODB cleans house. Closeline for Moose, Fallaway slam and kip up for Love, ODB gets the Whisky mist and the burning crotch pin, Love makes the save, big brawl and ODB scores with the Oklahoma Stampede for the win.

Good multi woman match, everyone played there respect roles very well. Moose taking the pin is an odd decision. (**)

We then go to a video followed by a sit down interview where he says he's all about second chances and this is his time to get back to the top of the ladder.

TNA World Tag Team Titles

Team 3D vs. LAX

Devon and Hernandez start the match, the lock up is a draw. Devon unloads, "We Want Tables" chant, Hernandez dodges a closeline and scores with a flying shoulder tackle. Closeline shoulder charge combo in the corner from LAX. Hernandez scores with a butterfly strike and Ray tags in. Ray powers Homicide to the corner and calls him a small man, Homicide arm drags him and says Ray has a small dick. Ray gets a snapmare and a neck whip, nice from Ray. Ray gets a body slam but misses the elbow drop and Homicide gets an arm drag. Homicide tries a monkey flip but Ray blocks it and puts Homicide on the top rope and Homicide scores with a torpedo dropkick. Homicide whips Devon into a slingshot shoulderblock from Hernandez. 3D go to the outside and Hernandez gets the big diving splash to the outside, and Homicide scores with the suicide tope. Homicide goes up top but Devon shoves him off top with a front flip sell to outside. Ray then kicks Selinas and Hector "GobbledyGooker" Guerrero. Back in, Devon scores with the spinning back elbow. 3D pound down Homicide in the corner. Ray gets a snapmare and chinlock. Homicide fights out but runs into a side walk slam. Ray plays to the crowd. "3D sucks" chant. Devon gets a body slam but misses the diving head butt. HOT TAG but the ref never saw it. 3D beat the absolute shit out of Homicide in the corner and Ray mocks the crowd. Ray then gets the pan hands in the corner. Devon puts Homicide on the top rope but Homicide blocks the superplex and scores with a second rope jaw breaker. Hernandez finally gets in. Body slam for ray, one for Devon too. Closeline on Ray, stalling suplex on Devon, that was impressive. Stinger splash, hip toss and closeline on Ray. Homicide tags in and scores with the flying crossbody for two. Ray whips Homicide to the outside. Team 3Dget the What's Up Drop but Homicide breaks it up shoving Devon off top. Selinas and Hernandez get the What's Up Drop on Ray. Hector takes out Johnny Devine. Devon gets a corner closeline on Homicide and he puts Homicide on top. Hernandez takes Devon off on his shoulders and he scores with the Gringo Cutter Device. Hernandez gets a spine buster big splash combo for the 1-2-the ref is pulled out! Homicide misses a suicide dive on Devon. Team 3D set up the 3D but Homicide sneaks in and rolls up Ray for the win.

Well that was a really nice finish. The match was okay, good lenght but 3D are so lumbering and slow in the ring nowadays, that you can't really get a great match out of them without the shenanigans and the weapons. (**)

We get a nice package and promo from Roode establishing why he's in the match adn what he has to prove.

Kong has to choose between Serena and Josie, they pick Serena whos a hot "mixed Martial Artist".

Kong's $25, 000 Fan's Challenge

TNA Knock Out Title Match

Serena Di vs. Awesome Kong

Serena does a cute little fight pose, Serena tries a takedown but gets flung off, She uses the powers of MMA to apply a girly sleeper, Kong slams her down hard. To the outside and Kong gives her the giant swing into the guard rail, she then introduces her into steel steps. Kong then shoves over Josie at ringside. Kong hits a clumsy puch and kicks around Serena like a bitch. Kong scores with the implant buster for the win.

Slightly extended squash, glorified TV segment put on PPV. Kong Did a good job of making her offence look brutal. (1/4*)

Kong then challenges Josie to a match and she's ready to go.

Josie vs. Kong

Josie gets a bitch slap and unloads on Kong but Kong comes back and throws her into the guard rail and gets a knife edge chop, Kong hits the ringpost by mistake. Josie dodges a load of closelines. Josie tries to catch Kong coming into the ring but Kong kills her with a back hand strike. Kong gets a corner closeline and the Awesome Bomb for the win.

The crowd were really into the match because she was from Tennesse, just a house show segment on PPV. (n/a)

To continue the silliness Eric Young brings out Elvies and of course its an impersonator who dances in the ring and cuts a promo while Kong stands in back. The King wants to know how Kong enjoyed visiting his house and Kong delivers a brutally semi fucked up Awesome Bomb.

Next its Christian's turn for a promo, he says a cheesey line from a movie to explain his motivation, I lose my sound, I comeback and he say he misses his title, he says the Peeps know he's the most qualified. His motivation is not to be recognised as the best anymore, its to have is name eched in the history books.

We then go back to the video story of Jay Lethal and Val and Dutt.

The ring is all weddinged up, and we have a real looking Priest. We then get the groomsmen, American Idol finalist Ace Young, Kamala (Kamala in a suit equals Ratings), Jake The Snake Roberts, Koko B. Ware with Frankie (he massively botches getting into the ring) and Goerge The Animal Steele. (he's fully in gimmick or is insane). We then get the maid of honour and Sonjay Dutt. Dutt is throwing Rice and is dressed ridiculously funny in silly Indian attire. Lethal is out next in Gold and White half ring attire half tuxedo. Val comes out looking pretty but in a rather old school wedding dress, she sells like she's scared of Kamala. They go straight to the objections, the camera goes on Sonjay but he says nothing. We go to the vows, Jay says "I do", when it gets to Val, Sonjay jumps in, Jay thinks he's concerned about him, Dutt confesses his undying love for Val. The crap Jay says in the back ground is hilarious, Jay confronts Dutt as Val cries but Dutt kills Lethal with a wedding prop. Ace Young tries to make the save but Dutt kills him to a big pop. Koko and Kamala kick the crap out of Sonjay Dutt. Jake gets Damien and runs off Sonjay as Goerge the Animal Steele eats the ringpost as Lethals music plays. Koko trashes the set, I'm worried about poor Frankie.

That was a funny little conclusion to a horror show of a segment.

It's Booker's turn for a sit down. Booker says he's bitter because TNA beg him to sign, they promised him the world, all the money. Booker did his bit, TV ratings are up, PPV buys are up, more people are watching, is he having a laugh. He said when it came to get paid he got a locker room that smelled of Elephant Urine. Basically he wants the title and power so he can change the equaliberium of TNA. He said in the WWE he was dictated to, but not here in TNA he will reached for the brass ring, people will bow down and pray to him, the TNA World Champion.

AJ Styles vs. Kurt Angle

They lock up and go straight to the corner for a clean break. Kurt grabs a leg and gets a wrestling takedown and schools AJ in the waist lock. Kurt gets a headlock takedown, AJ shoots him of but Kurt gets a shoulder block, AJ replies with two arm drags and a spinning arm drag sends Kurt bailing to the outside. Kurt gets a pair of european uppercuts but AJ replies with a beautiful dropkick and the crowd come to life. AJ explodes and kicks the crap out of Kurt before playing to the crowd. Kurt misses a blind charge and goes shoulder first into the ring post, AJ gets the springboard flying forearm for two. Kurt gets a back elbow and AJ takes a nice bump through the middle ropes. Tomko walks toward AJ so Earl Hebner throws Tomko out. While that's happening Kurt introduces AJ to the steel guard rail and security come out and demand that Tomko leave. AJ knocks Kurt off the apron and scores with the perfect front flip dive to the outside for two. AJ scores with a back breaker for two. AJ scores with a body slam and the Styles knee drop gets two. "Let's Go AJ/Angle" chant. Kurt sees a back body drop coming and gets a big over the shoulder toss. Kurt does it again while playing to the crowd Kurt locks in a hard side headlock. "Angle Sucks" chant. Kurt gives AJ a couple of hard face first mat slams. Kurt unloads from a mount and its back to the chinlock. AJ tries to fight out but runs into the overhead release belly to belly suplex. Kurt scores with a vertical suplex for a series of twos. Kurt goes to a nice camel clutch, AJ is bleeding from the nose. AJ fights out but Kurt runs right in with the kitchen sink. Kurk scores with a nice looking back breaker for two. Great selling on display by AJ. Kurt scores with some uppercuts in the corner and Kurt bitch slaps AJ. Kurt puts AJ on top and unloads, AJ does some great selling. AJ blocks the super plex, and scores with a super front suplex, nice spot and good struggle to set it up, it looked absolutely brutal from the reverse angle. Slugfest, Kurt gets a big European uppercut but runs into a roundhouse kick, AJ gets two closelines and a brutal spinning gutbuster for two. AJ gets the suplex neckbreaker spot for two. Kurt comes back with a hard Irish whip and the multiple german suplexes, brilliant sells from AJ, Aj counters the third and gets a realese German suplex and Kurt does the back flip sell. AJ misses the discus punch and returns the favour with the release German suplex for two. AJ explodes with an enzenguri and both men are down. Kurt catches a Stinger splash and gives AJ a release German Suplex into the turnbuckle for two. Kurt calls for the Angle Slam, AJ counters nicely into a DDT and that gets a near fall! AJ goes for the Clash but Kurt counters but AJ counters the counter to a sunset flip Kurt rolls through into the Ankle lock and AJ rolls him off into a turnbuckle. AJ explodes with the backflip inverted DDT for a near fall! AJ goes up and Kurt burst up top with the Super Angle Slam for two. Angle takes the straps down. AJ rolls through on the Ankle lock for two. AJ scores with the Pele out of nowhere for a near fall when Kurt gets his hand on the rope! AJ goes for the Clash but Kurt nicely counters to the Ankle Lock, Kurt pulls AJ back to middle away from the ropes. AJ kicks off Kurt and the ref gets bumped (ARGH!). AJ scores with the kip up ranna and it sends Kurt to the outside. Karen Angle appears looking hot with a steel chair and pretends to give Kurt the chair but instead distracts him so AJ can do the roll up into the Styles Clash for the win.

Really good match, had some slow spots at the beginning with the chinlocks but it didn't matter the action was really good, dramatic and was paced extremely well and played out nicely for maximum impact. Obviously would have prefered to see them go hell for leather but this was a nicely put together match. Would have loved to have had a straight finish but it was fine playing into the storyline. Hopefully somewhere down the line we get the perfect one on one match between the two. It did seem like the slower pace with the more empthasis on the single moves may have been done to protect Kurt's next which after all is a very good rationale for this style. Below Expectations but still good. (***1/2)

Post Match Karen and AJ celebrate but Kurt kills AJ with a chair and thinks about hitting Karen instead he works over AJ, locks him in the Ankle lock while Tomko kills the security.

Joe's promo is up next. The video package is nice and Joe doesn't shout. Lauren asks if he's been trying to make a difference. He said once upon a time, it was mano a mano, but now its all about the oppurtunist, the politicitian but he's changed all that. He said he's gonna walk in there and beat his opponent into the ground. The history books will not say Joe's the fatest, nor the strongest but they will say he fought hardest to get the title and to keep it. He will lead a new band of wrestlers, he is Samoa Joe and he is pro Wrestling. Oh God if this means a friggin Millionares club angle is coming I'll be sick.

The pre main event videos for the match and the contestants are over the top but very well done

TNA World Title

King Of The Mountian Match

Robert Roode vs. Booker T vs. Christian Cage vs. Rhino vs. Samoa Joe

Special Enforcer: Kevin Nash

We get mild chants for Joe and Cage, the crowd are dead. Everyone brawls to start, Joe gets a jab flurry on Book. Cage works Roode on the outside. Book and Joe exchange chops in the ring and then outside the ring. Roode is introduced to the ladder. In the ring, Cage and Rhino get a double hip toss, while Joe chops the crap out of Book. Rhino gets the shoulder charge in the corner on Roode. Rhino and Cage get the double suplex. Cage is looking for the frog splash and Book shoves him to the outside and he takes a nasty bump with his knee hitting the apron. Book gets the arm wrench and side kick on Rhino for two. Rhino aviods a scissor kick and Booker blocks a gore with a knee, Rhino then closelines Booker over the top rope. Joe and Rhino hook it up, Joe gets an inverted atomic drop, the yakuza kick and the sloppy senton back splash. Joe dodges a splash from Roode non chalance, Joe unloads with the front and back chops and the knee drop for two. Christian blocks Roode's Fisherman's suplex attempt and scores with an implant DDT. Joe gets the slap combo and the corner closeline and the spining enzengurin. Cage blocks the muscle buster but runs into a snap powerslam, Booker then runs into a snap powerslam. Joe runs into a boot and then gets nailed with a spinning back elbow. Cage bitch slaps Joe and counters a ten punch putting Cage in the tree of woe. Samoa Joe then gets a diving Yakuza kick. Joe tries a dive but Booker pulls him to the outside and he unloads on Joe and introduces him to the penalty box and the announce table. Rhino runs straight into a Book End and that's our first pin fall. Booker is Elligable, Rhino is in the Penalty box for two minutes.

Book shoves Nash and takes the belt and ladder. Joe won't let Book grab the ladder so Book slugs him down. Joe and Book battle over the ladder and Cage baseball slides the ladder into both men. Roode comes out of nowhere with a block buster for two. Rhino is released. Cage blocks a piledriver and catapults Roode out of the ring. Cage and Rhino high five and then go to work. Rhino blocks the unprettier and Cage flips out of the back suplex, Rhino sets up a Gore but Joe trips him and crotches Rhino on the ringpost. Joe then gives Cage the STJoe. Joe then hits the corkscrew plancha onto Book, Roode and Rhino on the outside. Cage then follows up with a flying cross body from the penalty box. Terrible camera work. Cage then grabs a table and sets it up at ringside. Cage kills Joe with the ladder. Roode hits Cage who's holding the ladder with a chair and that gets a three count. Roode is Elligable and Cage is in the penalty box. Roode asks for the belt and Rhino gets school boy for three. Rhino is Elligable and Roode is in the penalty box. Roode won't go so Kevin Nash forces him into the box. Booker shoves Rhino off the top of the ladder. Joe dodges a scissor kick and locks Booker in the clutch Cage is then released and Cage comes off the top of the penalty box with a frog splash onto both men and scores the pin on Book. Cage is Elligable, Book is in the penalty box. Roode stop Cage and climbs the ladder, Joe gives Roode a german suplex off the ladder, he then gives Cage an ace crusher off the top of the ladder. Rhino scores with a Gore on Joe. Everyone is down as Booker is released from the box. Book snatches the belt from Nash and floors Nash with it, he then nails absolutely everyone brutally with the belt. Book poses and then goes for the belt but Nash comes back in and gives Booker a Jackknife powerbomb. Cage blocks a muscle buster landing on the apron, Rhino then gores Cage off the apron through the table. Roode nails Joe with the Northern Lariat, Roode then knocks Rhino off top to the outside. Joe gives Roode the enzenguri and the muscle buster on Robert Roode for the pin and he climbs the ladder for the win.

It was a pretty fun spectacle match, it still felt like ammatuer hour and very indy like but it definitely had some great sequences and fun moments, good main event. (***1/2)

Overall Thoughts: This wasn't a particularly great show, but not bad either, the Angle-AJ, Petey-Kaz and The King Of The Mountain were all good but not great matches and together make it a worth while watch. Everything else in the ring was fine and perfectly watchable, the Wedding was an abortion, fast forward that an you've got an goodish show. Mild recommendation.

TNA Catch Up - Victory Road 2008 Review

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Victory Road 2008

They open with a ludicrious pretentious video with Kennedy and the space launch blowing up, its very silly but its kind of refreshing change from WWE's videos which have been the same for like forever. Did I mention it was silly? We also open with some very unimpressive fireworks.

Borash is outside the arena with possible the low browest looking red neck crowd imaginable. They chant "TNA" all the way through Borash's speil. Then the increasingly lovely Lauren is in the crowd with BG James, unfortunately, so Lauren is no longer on camera, he talks some waffle running down the card shouting alot, this is very dumb, have I mentioned that all ready. Oh God there's gimmick matches galore.

World X Cup Match Up

Team Japan vs. Team Mexico vs. Team TNA vs. Team International

Curry man misses a few elbows and Yoshimo who floors him with a running Yakuza kick. Curry man challenges him to a race an trips him, ha ha. The Guns comes in with a double dropkick. Tyson Dukes comes in against Sabin, they get a closeline, knee, twilt a whirl backbreaker running knee combo. Sabin slips out of an odd submissions and the Mexicans comes in with senton triple team. Team Mexico then give Dukes a brilliant flap jack into a spinebuster, they get a front flip plancha on Williams and a wheel barrow bomb eliminates Dukes. Tyson Dukes is Eliminated. Team Japan get a drop toe hold, senton, camel clutch and dropkick combo. Puma comes into the ring for Japan with a helo. Bukanaero sticks out on a victory roll attempt. Irverno goes through a big sequence of counters before scoring with the Angel's wings on Puma. Puma is Eliminated. Malano gets a brutal kick combo for two, he avoids a slingshot closeline with a matrix and puts both the guns in a half crab in a nice sequence. While the ref is distracted Milano fakes being low blowed but the ref spots it. Sabin and Milano trade kick and a half botched double team cradle shock eliminates Milano. Milano Collection 18 is Eliminated. Yoshino and Sabin trade pin attempts before Sabin scores with a brutal kick. Shelley scores with a corner closeline. He puts Yoshino in the tree of woe and both Guns get their corner dropkicks for two. Yoshino counters a swinging DDT with a kip up and then locks in a octupus stretch. Shelley comes back with a brutal kick. Yoshino scores with a spinning reverse DDT. Iverno scores with a spinning sit out move on Yoshino for two. Iverno scores with a TKO, They total botch a sequence and a roll up gets two, the corner shit allover that. Iverno is Eliminated. Koslov scores with a powerslam on Curry man and he puts on the cossack dance kick. Williams scores with the Chaos Theory. Williams and Curry man tee off. Team Mexico get double cross bodies. Headstand bronco buster from Ultimo Guerrero. Curry man comes back but is caught going for a franksteiner and a second rope powerbomb eliminates Curry. Curry Man is Eliminated. They put Williams on the bow and arrow and they hit a spiraling senton for the pin. Doug Williams is Eliminated. We get two missed Planchas from the Guns. Koslov tries to start a "Russia" chant, Ultimo chops him down, Koslov catches Ultimo on top and is front suplex off top for two. "This Is Awesome" they are retards. Koslov gets the anaconda vice to Eliminated Guerrero. Ultimo Guerrero is Eliminated. Bokanero gets a body slam and heads up top, Sabin catches him and gets a proper top rope Frankenstiener despite the lame set up. The double low superkick gets the win. Rey Bukanero is Eliminated. The Guns get there low dropkick combo on Yoshino. Shelley fucks up a Tower of doom, scoring with a top rope jaw breaker, they do a dropkick flatliner combo for two. Koslov tries a sling shot move but is met by Sabin's dropkick. Sabin gets a ace crusher and a big lariat for a near fall. Koslov pins Sabin with his feet on the ropes. Chris Sabin is Eliminated. Koslov dives a closeline and then scores with a diving senton to the outside on Alex Shelley. Koslov counters a top rope move with a mid air enzenguri. Shelley does an awful bump to the outside. Yoshino gets a nice rana then a very silly looking choke. Alex Koslov is Eliminated. Yoshino and Shelley unload on each other. Yoshino floors Shelley with a nice counter and Yoshino scores a monster stalling Torpedo dropkick for a near fall. Shelley gets a super kick and the sliced bread for a near fall. Shelley misses a frog splash and Yoshino gets a near fall off a protoplex, lame. Yoshino goes for a ranna but Shelley shoves him down to the matt and scores with a Tiger Suplex for a near fall. Shelley gives Yoshino a top rope superkick and they battle on the top rope, Yoshino scores with a lame take down for a near fall. Shelley gets a top rope inverted atomic drop and the Shell Shock for the win. Yoshino is Eliminated and Alex Shelley is the Winner.

A lame ammatuer hour indie spot fest for the most part with a lot of fuck ups, the final minutes with Shelley and Yoshino were better. The usual crap, no selling, botches galore, I've seen alot better and alot worse. Some good athleticism to warm the crowd up. (**1/2)

X Cup Standings

TNA: 6

Japan: 4

International: 3

Mexico: 4

We go to TNA Cribs with Booker being cocky showing off his achievements and talks about how he's gonna beat Joy, how he's richer than Joe and how he's achieved more than Joe. Is alright at best.

We then go to a video package with Kim and Angelina Love, Love and Sky play there rolls superbly in the best booked division in wrestling.

Angelina Love vs. Gail Kim

Love sneaks attacks Kim and goes to work with some tame head pounds. We go to a forearm battle, Love runs into a back elbow and then into a boot before Kim gets a rounding mat pound. Kim scores with a corner closeline. Kim floats over to the apron but the lovely Velvet Sky trips Kim allowing Love to get two. Love gets a brutal girly head pound series. Love scores with a lariat for two. Kim catches a kick but Love rolls through into an awkward pin, another awkward sequence ends in a spinning kick for two. The Camera rig gets in the way of the hard cam. Kim slides to the apron and gives Love a jaw jacker and follows up with a figure four on the ringpost. Gail then whips Sky into the guard rail. Love crotches Kim, Love scores with the not so super superplex and they're both down. Love crawls over for a near fall. Love misses a pump kick and Kim unloads. Kim gets a dropkick, Love floats over a body slam and gets a roll up for two. Kim scores with a nice spear. Kim blocks the Lights out and scores with a code breaker, Gail Kim gets the hand cuff neckbreaker for the win.

Sloppy in places but a fine ladies match that picked up as it went along. (*3/4)

The Beautiful People try a beat down post match but before they can do the brown paper bag treatment Gail bails.

BG and Crystal are backstage with the fans and some mannequins, its absolutely awful.

Sonjay Dutt vs. Jay Lethal

Dutt gives Val a card and Rose, that makes Jay made and he scores with a suicide dive and he rips the card. Jay gets the running crescent kick and the bombs away axe handle. Dutt comes back with a jaw breaker. Jay gets the floating hip toss dropkick combo for two. They do a nice counter sequence in the corner ending with Dutt getting a leg drop between the ropes and a springboard senton for two and he plays to the crowd. Dutt gets a double stomp to the face. Dutt nails a back breaker and heads up top, Dutt slingshots in and gets the cocky back kick and its Bushwhacking time. Val is a terrible manager. Jay fights out of headlock, Dutt flips out of a back suplex, botches a front flip senton and then scores with a standing moonsault. Jay counters a DDT attempt but runs into an enzenguri. Jay comes back with a snake eyes and a belly to back suplex. Dutt misses a blind charge and Jay unloads with closelines. Lethal runs into a elbow and Dutt goes for a Tornado DDT but is shoved off. Lethal gets a second rope torpedo dropkick. Dutt flips out on Lethal and they end up battling on top, Dutt blocks the Lethal combination and gets a Frankenstiener for two, that was awkward. Lethal comes back with a wheel barrow bomb for two. Lethal whips Dutt into the guard rail and the ring post. Dutt asks for help from Val but Lethal continues to intodruces Dutt into a variety of items. Lethal locks in a mega seated texas clover leaf. Val comes onto the apron and Lethal tells her to get down. Dutt scores with a diving closeline. Dutt reaches out to Val and says "I love you" and Lethal gets the Lethal Combination and Lethal gets ready to go up top and Val tells him to stop and Dutt gets the roll up with his feet on the top rope and Dutt kisses Vals Hand.

Not bad at all, helped advance the story nicely. (**)

Robert Roode and James Storm cut about as a generic heel promo as you could possibly get, Storm is at least a bit funny.

Fans Revenge Match

Beer Money vs. LAX

Homicide and Roode start the match off, Roode gets a side headlock they then trade hammerlocks and Homicide runs him to the outside and the fans whip the shit out of Roode and he crawls to Storm. Storm whips Homicide to the outside but the fans leave him alone and Homicide drinks Storms beer. Storm charges aout and gets whipped. Homicide tries to toss Storm but he skins the cat but Hector pulls Storm out and the fans whip the shit out of him. Hernandez gets a corner closeline and shoulderblock. Storm runs into a back elbow and Homicide gets a rota and as he's pressed to the apron Homicide shouts "oh shit". He pulls Roode to the outside for a whipping. Homicide scores with the three amigos to start an Eddie chant. Storm scores with a spinebuster and then goes to a chinlock. Storm scores with a twisting double arm move. They heel hit a double suplex and shout Beer Money, ugh. Roode knocks Hernandez off the apron. Roode and Storm get a spinebuster closeline combo and a boston crab knee drop combo. Hernandez breaks that up for Roode goes to the front face lock. Homicide blocks a fisherman's suplex and scores with a overhead suplex. Hernandez gets the slingshot shoulder block. He gives Storm a Cracker Jack, gives Roode a big over head suplex. Hernandez gives Roode a train wrech. He catches a cross body and gives Roode a sit out powerbomb for a near fall. Stormg gets a big corner closeline. Beer Money try a double superplex but are swatted and Hernendez gets a huge big splash for two. Homicide gets a tornado DDT on Storm, Roode is sent to the outside. They then give Roode the Doomsday 187 for the win

Well that really wasn't as awful I was expecting, okay ten minutes of wrestling. (*3/4)

We then go back to Booker and he's showing us around his wrestling training facility and his trainees says how inspirational he is and Booker says its his destiny to win the TNA world title.

TNA Knockout Title Match

Awesome Kong vs. Taylor Wilde

Kong unloads immediately, Wilde slide underneath but runs into a butterfly club and a splash for two. Wilde is quite hot. Kong gets a hair drag takedown. Kong floors Wilde with some huge chops, Wilde is selling really well, terrible camera work as Kong chokes Wilde in the ropes. "Let's Go Kong" chant, Kong gets a foot choke and and then scores with a big body slam before going to camel clutch. Wilde tries to fight out but Kong sits down on her and locks it back in. Wilde fights up and pulls Kong's hair but is just flung into the corner. Wilde slips out of the Awesome bomb and Taylor scores with some dropkicks and a big torpedo dropkick but Kong rolls through no sells and scores with a monster closeline. Taylor catches Kong onto and scores with a super arm drag for a near fall. Wilde is the female John Cena when it comes to goofy facial expressions. Kong misses a spinning back fist and gets a roll up for two, and alla Mickie James the wheel barrow is countered into a roll up for the win.

Too short, but pretty solid while it lasted, told the story well, and Wilde plays her well even if she camps it up too much, this woman is blatently John Cena's future wife. She matches his goofy facial expressions face for face.

Kong beats down Wilde post match and when she sets up and Awesome Bomb on the Chair Abyss comes out Sied gets Kong to back down. Riesha then bitch slaps Abyss and he laughs and gives Sied a black hole slam. TNA's obssesion with man on woman violence continues, god it's not ECW bad yet.

It's part three of Booker hometown tour, he's in his personal resteruant chain telling us how great he is. We then see Space Centre Housten, why I don't know and I'm beyond caring, up next more fucking Gimmick's, I hate Russo, not even the silly story telling just the matches that's what pisses me off. At least they have a pretty impressive video package. Don West continues to wear ties that can only be described as a war crime, basically anyone can win. Speaking of stupid he says Kaz should be relaxed because he has a cushion? The winner gets four so anyone can win, the cushion doesn't matter.

World X Cup Final

Ultimate X Match

Volador Jnr. vs. Horoki Doi vs. Kaz vs. Daivari

Kaz charges and is backdropped onto the apron where he scores with a Jaw Jacker and goes onto the wires but is pulled down quickly. Kaz runs into a back elbow, Diavari is shoved face first into the scafold in the corner. Doi accidently floors Volador, Volador scores with a soft ranna on Kaz. Volador runs into a boot but then scores with a ropey ranna off the cables, Kaz closelines Volador out of the ring. Kaz takes ages going up the X and is pulled to the outside by Diavari. Shawn whips Kaz into the guard rail and works over the arm on the rail. All three of the foriegners work over the arm of Kaz. Kaz pulls Shawn into a flying axe handle by Doi. This is lame and the crowd are dead. Kaz tries to swing on the wires but his injured hand gives way. The three heels work on Kaz but Doi says no, he puts Kaz in a tree of woe, he press Volador and Shawn to the outside and gets a running cannonball on Kaz, in brutal spot. Shawn shoves Doie off the scaffold to the outside but Diavari is pulled off the wire by Volador. Shawn dodges the rebound handspring move and they just kind of do nothing and Shawn goes to the outside. In a silly spot, Kaz shoots Doi into the air and hits Volador in the groin as he climbed the wires. Doi for no apparent reason climbs the back wards on the wire and Kaz kicks Doi off for a hard bump. Kaz then kicks Volador of the wire, Diavari stops Kaz getting the X and then Volador pulls down Shawn, lame. Volador and Doi do a counter spot and they end with a cross body collision. Volador dropkicks Doi off the wire sending him rolling to the outside, Volador then follows up with a moonsault press to the outside. Shawn and Kaz both climb the scaffold. They brawl at the very top of the scaffold, Shawn wins the brawl and crawls toward the X, Kaz comes off the top of the Sacfold with a guillotine leg drop onto Shawn taking him off the wire in the "big spot", it was pretty cool. Volador then climbs up and wins the belt.

Pretty good work but just incredible underwhelming, and incredibly forgetable Ultimate X, but then almost all of them are. (*1/4)

Team Mexico are the winners and Tenay interviews them.

Booker is then at his golf range showing off his Booker tees, ha ha, some more people say he's great. It's funnier nearer then end when Booker goes a bit more ghetto at the country club.

Got the fan's get the gimmick, god could we not just vote for say a straight wrestling match.

Fan's Stipulation Match

Full Metal Mayhem

Team 3D & Kurt Angle vs. Rhino, Christian Cage & AJ Styles

Angle ambushes AJ on the way to the ring. Everyone is brawling all around ringside. AJ gets back in the ring and manages to knock Kurt off the apron. AJ then scores with the front flip diving plancha to the outside. AJ scores with a mexican dropkick on D-Von and closelines him over the top rope. Rhino scores with a spine buster on Kurt for two. Cage nails Ray with a pair of trash can shots for two. Ray scores with a monster back body drop on Cage. AJ scores with his slingshot flying forearm on Ray. In a ropey spot AJ gets a springboard back flip over Team 3D but just walks into a double flapjack. Rhino and Cage uses a ladder to take 3D out, Kurt nails everyone with chairs and then gives Cage and overhead release Belly to belly suplex on Christian Cage. Team 3D then sandwich Rhino with a pair of ladders. AJ gets a flying cross body off the top of the ladder but Kurt pulls the referee out. Kurt floors AJ with a european uppercut. Cage comes off the top of the ultimate X scaffold with an absolutely picture perfect flying crossbody on all three men, now that's a spot. Ray comes back and kills him with a ladder. Ray nails AJ with a steel chair but Rhino comes back and gives all three of the heels Gores. Rhino sets up a chair in the middle of the ring and he takes Devon onto the top rope but Ray makes the save and they score with the Dudley Device through the table for two, another nice spot. Devon seems to have a legit foot injury. Cage gives 3D a double closeline. Kurt misses a blind charge, Kurt counters the unprettier but Cage lands on his feet, they counter each others finisher ending in an ankle lock being counter into a roll up for two. Cage gets the diving reverse DDT. Kurt tries to catch him up top but is shoved off. Devon low blows Cage and they give Cage a 3D through a table off the apron. It's three on AJ but he dodges a closeline and Kurt nails Devon and then AJ scores with the running enzenguri on Kurt. Ray scores with a brutal super kick on AJ. Ray shouts "you didn't know I had that one did ya?", bwhahahahaha. We get some awkward moments as Ray sets up a table. Ray puts AJ on the table but AJ pops up and catches Ray on second rope and face busters Ray throught the table. AJ gives Devon a brutal drop toe hold through a table. AJ then does a brutal counter of an Angle Slam into a Styles Clash but it gets two! Devine runs in but misses with the kendo stick and AJ scores with the Pele. AJ points the kendo stick at Trigg on commentary and Angle scores with a Angle Slam for two! Kurt gets a ladder and shoves over the ref who hurts his ankle. Kurt sets up a ladder and a table, AJ puts Kurt on the table, AJ climbs the ladder Trigg climbs up the top rope nails AJ with the Kendo stick and Kurt recovers and scores with an Angle Slam off the ladder through the table for the win.

Well that was a total indie spotfest but the last few minutes with Styles and AJ were excellent and there were some real big impressive spots, however I could list the complaints for ever, selling, lame set ups etc...but it was fun, had it been the only gimmick match on the show it would have really stood out. (***)

Kevin Nash says he's in Joe's corner tonight, Joe believes him but asks him if he's truely in his corner to stay back tonight.

TNA World Heavyweight Title Match

Booker T vs. Samoa Joe

They stare down with ruffly eighteen minutes left on the show. Booker scores with a bitch slap and the crowd love it. Booker lights up Joe in the corner but he respones with a huge round of knife edged chops. Joe gives Booker a head pound to a round of huge boos. Joe scores with a running back elbow in the corner and an enzenguri, hot openning. Book catches Joe with an eye poke. Joe dodges a back elbow and scores with a big running knee. "let's Go Booker, Let's Go" chant. Joe gets a snapmare and the Joe chop to the back. Book manages to shoot Joe to the outside and scores with a cocky kick. Joe tries to fight back but Book cuts him off with an eye poke and a short arm closeline. Sharmell is cheering on from the crowd. Booker throws Joe into the steel steps as Book plays to the crowd, Joe is bleeding above the eye, Sharmell does an awesome sell when she sees the balde job. Booker scores with the Housten side kick for two. Book floors Joe with one punch and Book unloads from a mount. Its slowed to a Booker pace, Joe dodges a side kick and scores with a inverted atomic drop and a Yakuza kick but misses the senton back splash. Booker scores with the scissor kick for two! Book scores with the arm wrench and side kick second time of asking and that gets two too. Both men exchange blows Joe comes back with a flying knee. Joe blade job is pretty nice. Book runs into a boot and Joe scores with a second rope flying knee strike. Sharmell is selling better than Booker. Book gets an eye rake but runs into a snap powerslam for two. Joe blocks the Book end with a gargolye suplex for two. Book fights back with a series of knee strikes, Joe misses a spinning back fist, Book misses a Housten Axe kick, Booker randomly dives into the ref. Joe scores with a running closeline, pretty clumsy. Joe is just resting as the ref is out. Joe tosses Book to the outside and its gone really limp, the match that is. Joe give Book a seat at ringside and scores with the Ole kick at ringside. Joe introduces Book to the ringpost, Sharmell tells Joe to stop, Sharmell bitch slaps Joe, and Joe floors her security. Sharmell keeps screaming. Book is now bleeding and Joe is raking away at the cut. Slick Johnson runs out and calls for help, they for no apparent reason tells Joe to stop, Joe kills Johnson and low blows Thomas and gives him a DDT, What a Sell by the ref! Joe floors all the security including giving one an overhead belly to belly. Book charges but he gets an STJoe. Sharmell pleads with Joe but Joe won't stop and Joe chokes out Booker as Sharmell calls for more help and Sting comes from the back! God this is some overbooked garbage. Joe turns his back on Sting, but just goes back to choking T. Sting says he's gone to far and tells him to knock it off and Joe pretends to walk away but comes back and wails on Book. Sting slides back in and says you made your point but Joe gives him the finger so Sting beats the crap out of him with the baseball bat, Book crawls ontop and Sharmell counts three as Sting looks on. Sharmell then walks off with the belt.

That was the absolute most dumb arse non sensical over booked peice of total garbage of a finish. I mean seriously, I hate Russo's booking so much, this isn't as Dumb as WCW but its catching up rapidly, the match was okay up until the end, good when it was at Joe's pace, standard when it was a Booker's, sloppy and exciting in equal measure but that finish was just dreadful. Well I hope it leads to a good Hard Justice card otherwise that was a total joke. God and American's had to pay to watch that. (*3/4)

Overall Thoughts: Awful PPV I sincerely fell bad for those who paid to watch that. Avoid.

The Gareth-Rhys Thomas-David Hayter Cross Over Album Experiment - Fifth Edition

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Prong – Rude Awaking

When I saw the title and the album sleeve I have to say I temporarily despaired thinking I was going to be subjected to some terrible comedy band or the forebears of the Blood Hound Gang perhaps thankfully I was spared. Prong however seem to be a far more generic affair 90s metal, slightly industrial sounding in places with some slow pounding rhythm and drum creating a very nineties groove. In places there definitely an air of Korn, especially in the bass, as well as a heafty slice of bland middle of the road metal. Infact they sound like a Nine Inch Nails tribute band and a Korn tribute have swapped two of there members to create a super group and instead have created a very paint by numbers groove metal band. Wait does groove metal exist or did I just make that up? Either way you get the idea.

Prong certainly aren’t terrible, there songs bounce alone nicely and there are definitely some very danceable grooves in there but you get tracks like Avenue Of The Finest that are so unremarkable you imagine if you hit the groovy industrial button on a keyboard it would start blurting out. The real problem with Prong is that they are so competent at everything but the masters of nothing. A fun track like Controller sounds cringe worthy, the 90s seemed to spawn a million anti corporation bands for whatever reason but the lead singer lacks the visceral roar to creepy softness of Trent Reznor nor the dorm room against of a Zach Della Rocha and what your left with is an un-ironic like of anti machine blandness. The same goes for the more bouncy tracks at perfectly fine track like Slicing just doesn’t have the urgency of Korn or the twister mirth of Jonathan Davis voice, and feels flat.

Prong should certainly be commended this is no album of clangers it hangs together well, swaying, grooving and rocking along. There is the very occasional surprise Without Hope has a hip-hop tinge in the rhythm and a more intriguing brake down but it ultimately doesn’t go as far as you’d like it to and just ends. Man’s Ruin has a similar fate as it starts out with some rather exciting sleaze rock vocals and you are thinking what do we have here but it soon returns into a rather rudimentary metal jam. Thus Prong have successfully put together an album of good fun songs but have failed to do anything worthy on note.

Overall Thoughts: Prong make good music just not great intriguing music. Prong are best described as a playist band. Say you go out to a hard rock night at a club, you’ll hear your favourite Nail’s (Or Whoever) track and you’ll be dancing the night away, Prong could come on next and you’d really enjoy it you stay on the floor throwing shapes, but when you get home you when it comes to putting a record on you’ll put on the real deal music by true innovators. So ultimate Prong is very much a scene band in my estimation who know how to make their music and know how to put together a nice sounding record, if you’re really into this type of music you’ll snap this up. If your not you’ll opt for the big boys and leave Prong to the true metal/industrial/dancy groovy rock people, and so shall I. Perfectly acceptable listening but nothing more. (**1/2)

Songs To Download: The Controller, Slicing, Face Value

Gareth’s Professional Opinion: Rude Awakening is the sixth studio album by New York groove metal/industrial band Prong; following on from the seminal classic album Cleansing, which included such legendary tracks as Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck and Broken Peace.

Firstly it’s important to realise that Prong are an incredibly significant band. Trent, Mr Nine Inch Nails himself, cites this band as one of his biggest influences. Listen to the guitar hooks and you’ll hear the sound that made Korn multi-millionaires. Prong made Urban metal cool; taking it away from demons and magical monsters and placing it firmly on the streets. Simply put; Prong’s sound went onto influence a generation. You can still hear that influence today in metal.

Whilst Cleansing is the album that gained the band considerable airtime and an almost constant appearance on Head Bangers Ball in the early nineties, Rude Awakening is the album that preceded the big break up. Why? Well to claim the album is awful is a stretch. I personally think there’s some really decent stuff on here. But simply put, their record label were cocks, Cleansing was that damn good, and that’s that. Prong simply sounded tired on this album; even though I had a good friend of mine that maintains this is a better album than Cleansing. You’re having a fucking laugh. O.K so Unfortunately is one of my favourite metal tracks ever; one epic track does not a classic album make.

Decent, but a long way off anything benchmark. One thing though, they were doing this sort of stuff before Helmet ever thought of it, and I’m a massive, massive, massive Paige Hamilton fan. Bands today should seriously listen to Prong and learn how to write street smart metal.

Conclusion: Tired, but with some very bright spots. Suffers from being the follow up to one of the must have metal albums of the nineties. 7.5/10
Download: Unfortunately, Avenue of the Finest, Dark Signs

The Gareth Rhys-Thomas-David Hayter Cross Over Album Experiment Fourth Edition

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Album number four is......

Emperor – Anthems To The Welkin Dust

So I was thinking, I’ll try and do a bit more of a professional review this time, talk more about themes of the album and what worked an what didn’t rather than a detailed but Rudimentary track by track breakdown. Well as they say the best laid plans of mice and men and all that because after listening to the opener there’s no way are could start anywhere but there. It’s simply the best opener ever for a Black Metal album, it’s the dreaded Creed/Angels & Airwaves/Staind loopy soft hargen daz opening guitar, with soft chimes but it slowly morphs and becomes more brooding and the chimes begin to sound like the sharpening of swords and the hissing of snakebeasts. Then a Russian priest like voice whispers some demon prayer. Building up and up and up until the words “I am the eternal power, I am the EMPEROR!!!!” and no that’s not it. A fanfare kicks it and some marching drums and medieval sea shanty singing follow forwith! It’s awesome it’s your soundtrack to watching an evil wizard summoning a many headed serpent to attack the damsel in distress only for when everything seems bleakest a knight to ride in on his mighty steed to a fanfare and then back to the pub for sea shanties and lashings of ginger ale. Who can’t relate to that? Fuck Arctic Monkey’s this is the soundtrack to your night out! Can I give this album five stars yet?

Okay if you’ve been following this feature you’ll remember the Iced Earth review; it was a pretty epic affair. Well Emperor manage to harness all the pomposity and ludicrousness of Iced Earth’s medival gothic wankery, speed it up a million times, put thudding drums over it and actually make it sound cool. No I’ve not gone total insane, this is pretty fun stuff. Ensorcelled By Khaos is the perfect example, the guitars swirl and the piano line bounces with the drums thunder creating an insane looping waltz that sends you into a pleasant trance and you don’t even notice that Its been going on for five minutes, then the waltz drops and the a pummelling hurricane of smashing and crashing blows combine with some epic keys and over the top lyrics. It’s absolute and total nonsense but it’s really quite good fun. Make no mistake they lyrics are silly, but there’s enough visceral energy in the delivery to over come its silly moments. Make no mistake your still a dork to be listening to this but you won’t be laughing at what you’re listening to and the tracks are suitably vicious that no one will be laughing at you either. But do you know what’s best of all? I’ve learnt a new word Enscorcelled, how cool is that, I’ll be sure to drop it entirely inappropriately in conversation, and you know what, no one will have a fucking clue what it means and won’t care call me up on it, how cool is that. Christiano Ronaldo has really Enscorcelled Alex Ferguson.

There is one big problem though, and it seems that every band with Gothic, Fantasy and medieval intent tend to make. After listening to twenty five minutes of ear shredding epic adventure do you know how many tracks I’ve heard? Five, yep, five. Here’s a hint for all you aspiring Opera rockers out there just because you think your penning the new Lord Of The Rings doesn’t mean it has to be as long as all three of the fucking movies combined. A couple of three minute cracks could really have done the trick.

The Acclamation Of The Bonds has a bigger more raw bang for its buck, with the lead singer blowing down all three of the little piggies houses at once. This track also shows of the bands excellent control of melody and rhythm while their are pounding the holy hell out of there instruments they opted not to bury themselves in their own fuzz, instead the sound is crispy and clear and actually has a nice pitter patter beat to it. As the bell tolls the band slow down and return to a more generic metal sound only to unleash thirty seconds of venom when out of nowhere an angelic synth sound rings out like the eye of a hurricane, only for the pounding to resume.

The lead guitar sound on this album is very well constructed remaining clear and crisp over the top of a pounding rhythm section, and it does very well to keep the album sounding relatively fresh even if the rhythm section only has one gear. Another nice feature of the album is its own pomp and how these surprises emerge out a thudding dark background. With Strenght I Burn has the same thrashing guitars and pounding full steam ahead rhythm we are now well accustom too but suddenly a town prior medieval peasant voice sings it, its total ridiculous but it’s totally different to everything that’s gone before as he sings about “Scattering the ashes of destiny”. Then the deeper Emperor voice emerges and its like there singing for the freedom/control of this mortals soul. It’s unbelievably dumb but quite fun. Unfortunately the track clocks in at over eight minutes. Metal bands need to understand, its not dance music, you can’t get a crowd entranced and lost in the beat for eight minutes as the Deejay subtly mixes in the next track, you can’t achieve a trance with metal it can’t become part of the background because the music is fundamentally abrasive. Thus if you are going to commission yourself to over five minutes a track they’ve got to be fucking epic. That said this track is epic and while the conclusion is rather limp it’s an excellent centrepiece for a superbly pretentious album.

This does lead to the final point of contention with this album, it has three bonus tracks. If they are included as part of the review they are totally superfluous, make the album bloated and criminally over long. At eight tracks, two of which are intros and outros the album is perfectly balanced and well crafted. I’ve decided to give the album the benefit of the doubt, and discount the bonus materiel but be warned, you’re in for a seriously long hall if they are included. Although Opus Of A Santana is a more suitably OTT track to close the album than The Wanderer.

Final Thoughts: This is a mind boggling listen, you’ve had fun, heard some cool guitars, fast drumming, some very silly but melodic singing that remarkably doesn’t overstay its welcome but your left with one question, why on earth would anyone want to make music like this? Why am I listening to this? Do I really relate to Demon’s and Knights? It’s always a bad sign if an album has you asking why on earth your listening to it in the first place but this album unlike Iced Earth treads just the right side of the fun/embarrassment divide and is the one and only Dungeons and Dragons mega metal album you will ever require. (****)

Track To Download: The Loss And Curse Of Reverence, Enscorrolled By Khaos, With Strenght I Burn

Gareth’s Proffesional Opinion:

Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk is one of the seminal classic albums that are often muttered in hushed reverent tones in metal circles. Considered to be the crème de la crème of Black Metal by some and a defining moment in modern extreme music, Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk is certainly an album that generates considerable debate much like the genre in which it stands out from. Certainly black metal has perhaps more than any other branch of metal attracted a considerable degree of rumour, hearsay and controversy. Whilst concerned parents, bible bashers and conservatives throughout Europe and North America combed through heavy metal lyrics citing often wildly ridiculous or ambiguous lyrics as signs of devil worship and satanic skulduggery, the beast was very much alive and well and becoming a potent musical force in its own right in Scandinavia.

Black Metal emerged as a very evil, very satanic, and very misanthropic assault on the human condition, the human species, and most notably, the Christian God. Whilst its musical roots are based in thrash and speed metal; black metal itself became the very real incarnation of pure fucking evil both in terms of style and substance. Whilst the conservative and Christian right pondered weakly over tea and biscuits at the PTA meeting over whether Iron Maiden were going to corrupt the youth of the nation with tracks like Number of the Beast, bands emerged from the flourishing Norwegian Black Metal scene like Dark throne, Immortal, and Emperor that openly preached outright hate towards Christianity, the burning of churches, the defacement of cemeteries, and a subculture within the genre or Aryan Nationalism, National Socialism, and often violent Homophobia. Famous incidents that characterise Black Metals more extreme nature are the campaign of church burnings across Scandinavia, the macabre suicide of Mayhem vocalist Per Yngve Ohlin aka Dead, Emperor Drummer Bard ‘Faust’ Eithuns murder of a homosexual man in woodland near Lillehammer in 1992, and perhaps most famously the murder of Mayhem guitarist Oystein Aarseth aka Euronymous by Burzum founder Kristian ‘Varg’ Vikernes. Nice blokes all of them.

Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk by Emperor is the bands second full length album. Whilst production values are up on their debut release, it’s still easy to miss much of what was going on. The debateable sound quality is nonetheless not a huge stumbling block to getting through this album. Personally the vocals are an irrelevance. Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk is all about the music, and this is simply a symphonic masterpiece of extreme metal. Superbly crafted and blending some superb hooks, beautiful sweeping melodies, and generally sensational musicianship including the awesome drumming of Trym. Tracks such as The Acclamation of Bonds perfectly highlight how fucking good musically this band are. Awesome drumming and crashing guitars give way to a superb change of pace on 2.07; completely out of the blue into one of my favourite hooks ever in a song. Disturbing but beautiful. That’s what Emperor do best. This album rarely slips below utterly compelling and completely inspiring.

There are of course criticisms. Some of it’s a bit overblown certainly. However the biggest criticisms I have for Emperor are simply that they’re a band that carry the dogma, bullshit, and utter retardation of their genre around their fucking necks like a curse. Personally I utterly detest any association with Satanism, church burning, homophobic violence and the sort of unbridled hate that the band represents. Not to say they’re all maniacs. Ihsahn teaches music at his local school nowadays and is married with children. I’m well aware that if I have a problem with that I’m missing the point of Emperor and probably shouldn’t listen to them. But I genuinely love the music. The other big criticism is tongue in cheek in that this masterpiece inspired a generation of complete and utter bullshit and knock off shock merchants that need to fucking die.

By all means feel uncomfortable with what this sort of stuff represents; but don’t hate the music on this album.

Conclusion: One of the all time great extreme metal albums. Ripped off and imitated consistently for the last ten years with nothing even remotely close to this standard of musicianship. A dark and disturbing masterpiece. 9.5/10

Download: Ye Entrancemperium, The Loss and Curse of Reveren, The Acclamation Bonds, With Strength I Burn.

Daveportivo's Cultural Evaluation Facility

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The Gareth-Rhys Thomas-David Hayter Cross Over Album Experiment - Fifth Edition

The Gareth Rhys-Thomas-David Hayter Cross Over Album Experiment Fourth Edition

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