Daveportivo's Cultural Evaluation Facility

This episode is called "Nightmare At The Asylum"

Having watched Ultimate Fighter I'm begining to think that Spike TV makes the theme music for all there shows because iMPACT! has gay music in the same vein as Ultimate Fighter. I can't quite decide whose is gayiest it's mighty close.

Shock Horror! The Main Event Mafia don't open iMPACT! Instead it's Mick Foley and there's a pretty hot girl in the front row. Foley runs down the sacrifices that are on the line at Sacrifice. Foley doesn't want to talk abotu Sacrifice he wants to talk about Jeff Jarrett and his DVD because that is far more important. Everyone knows that Jeff Jarrett is more important than the TNA World Title. Foley says Jeff Jarrett will not be here tonight. Mick Foley pulls another DVD out of his inside pocket, apparently its an incredibly unsuitable DVD. Foley has to decide whether to air this dark footage, the crowd chant "put it up". Foley says the fans have earned the right to see what's on this DVD. He's gonna go to the back and is thoughts will be where they should be on JEFF FUCKING JARRETT.

Seriously they must be having a bubble they are seriously portraying Jeff Jarrett as more important than the world title and the next PPV. Lame opening, there selling the show on a mystery DVD? Ugh.

Scott Steiner is head of the MEM: Scotty is in charge tonight they have some fun with Borash and Scott acts both clever and dumb. Kurt is off filming a movie. They then go to Nash he nailed his celebrity skank last night, and she's going to finance the Main Event Mafia but she wants Sharmell out. Booker and Nash argue but Kev explains that he's just the messenger. Intriguing segment, better than the opening, it'll be fun to see Scotty in charge I hope we get a few skits of him cutting his erratic promos.

Borash wants to know whats on the DVD: Mick Foley is also taking down Jeff Jarrett's portrait in his office. Foley then wants to know how to do Borash's eyes, its very stupid. Young storms into Foley's office complaining. Mick says you don't bad mouth Jethro Holliday in his office. Young is persitant and Foley books him against Samaoa Joe. Foley is grating if you like his humour you'll love it, TNA is total marmite right now.

Chris Sabin (w/Alex Shelley) vs. Daniels

Sabin grabs a side headlock and gets a shoulder tackle, Daniels blocks a hip toss and lands on his feet sloppily countering a monkey flip before hitting a tilt-a-whirl back breaker. Sabin charges adn Daniels slips onto the apron. Sabin crotches Daniels ontop and then hangs in the tree of woe. Sabin then hits a hesitation dropkick for a near fall. Lethal Consequences appear on the ring apron. Sabin charges into a pair of knees and Daniels hits a back breaker from a back breaker position.

Daniels gets two closelines and a big running boot, Sabin runs into an elbow and Daniels hits a curb stomp off the second rope and Daniels hits the STO for a near fall. Daniels goes for the Angel's wings but Lethal grabs his foot. Sabin hits a spinning back kick and a flying closeline off top. Daniels slips out of the craddle shock but he can't avoid a basement dropkick. Daniels counters a springboard tornado with a inverted atomic drop, he follows it up with an ezneguri, a Rock Bottom and the Best Moonsault Ever for the 1-2-3.

Fine match, short but to the point very crisp only one sloppy moment, but these two should really go at least five minutes longer and be featured more heavily. (**)

Jeff Jarrett DVD plug and more Foley...YAWN. We then see clips of the Jeff Jarrett DVD, lame. Johnson and Foley compare muscle tears with ear. Foley says he likes Earl Hebner's shadiness. Foley tells Earl that he can't DQ Samoa Joe under any circumstance.

Scott Steiner talks with Z List chick: Scott wants her to lay off on Sharmell, Scott tells Jenny that Sharmell has apoligised. Scott Steiner messes up his words and they do some fun comedy with Borash. Jenna agrees to come to Scott's sit down meeting with Sharmell as long as she apologises. This was pretty funny.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!: Love says she never begs and will never have to beg because she always gets what she wants. Love then introduces her back up and its..........Kute Kip. God this is total gay, Kip has a stretcher match and he says he's just "Kipping it real".

More Jeff on a show Jeff isn't on? We have the cross the line cam with Jeff Jarrett and we see Jeff Jarrett hanging out with her kid and going water skiing and trying in his golf cart. His daughter is pretty sweet, but this absolutely reeks of post production. God this kid is a natural actress, this can't be his real daughter. He gets one jab in a Foley. IS NOTHING SACRED THIS MAN WILL USE ANYTHING TO GET OVER! IF THEY PRAY TO HIS DEAD WIFE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT I WILL BE SO FUCKING PISSED.

Samoa Joe vs. Eric Young

Joe charges straight in with a running knee strike and then the twisting enzenguri. EY does his flip to apron but when he gets back in Joe boots EY flying over the top rope. Eric introduces Joe to the steel chair but when EY tries to come off the apron Joe throws the chair hard into EY's face, Joe counters a roll up into a Kojima Klutch but Young tries to fight it off before he fades and Joe is declared the winner. Joe puts EY in the trunk of a car and it drives off.

Fine for what it was, Joe is just a purgatory. No one knows if he's a face or heel, the crowd don't react to him either way, he's just dead, lets hope Taz can bring some spice back to his character. Remember last year Joe won the title in TNA's match of the year at lockdown but that was the begining of the end its been a brutal year plus long burial. (1/2*)

Sitdown with Sting: Sting said that after the brutal contest and rule changes in his match with Foley at Lockdown Sting doubted himself and his dirrection. Sting says he collected his thoughts and he's decided its all worth it. Its amazing how motivated Sting has been this year, he's cutting the best promos of his life, he used to be one of the worst promo guys and right now he's one of TNA's best.

Taylor Wilde's blind date: Taylor and Lauren are together and doing some girly chat and Taylor Wilde looks really really hot, she's finally learnt how to do her make up lately. Anyway Daffney turns up as the secret admirer and beats up Taylor until Lauren threatens to glass her, no I'm not joking.

More time at home with the Jarrett's: Don West says "YAWN" before the segment comes on, what a dude. Anyway Jeff picks up his kids from school and its all very cute and very sweet. I have to give TNA credit for being creative but seriously. Jeff compares everything to Mick Foley as he grills his daughter about he science test. YAWN.

Stretcher Match
Cute Kip (w/Angelina Love) vs. Awesome Kong (w/Riasha Saeed)

Oh god this could be awesome please kill him. Kip balences on the ropes like Ariel and spreads his legs wide in the air, seriously? Kip powers Kong into the corner but Kip gets distracted and Kong crushes Kip and then hits the running arse thump. Kip grabs Kong by the throat and Saeed sneaks in with a low blow and Kong kills Kip with the steel chair. The crowd chant "one more time", Kong kills Kip with another chair shot. Kong puts Kip's head in the chair and drops a pair of big splashes. Angelina looks absolutely shocked at ringside. The count gets up to ten and Kong is the winner. Love can't believe what she's just seen.

Awesome to see Kip get killed, hopefully he doesn't come back, ever again. (3/4*)

Scott talks to Sharmell: Scott convinces Sharmell to sit down with Jenna telling Sharmell that Jenna will apologise. The British invasion then kill Team 3D backstage. But I'm more interested to watch the lovely Layla brawl with Eve Torres.

More Time with Jeff Jarrett: Jeff is hanging around with midgets, cats and lame jokes with Borash.

Team 3D Invitational Semi Final Match
The British Invasion vs. Suicide & Amazing Red

It looks like Kaz is back judging by the size but I'm still not convinced. Suicide gets a roll up for a near fall. Doug gets a backslide for two and then counters a hip toss with a arm drag. Suicide reverses a hip toss. Red and Suicide whip the Brits into one another before Magnus turns Amazing Red inside up with a running boot from hell. The British get a double team straight jacket neck breaker. They then do their fun little British handshake pose. Magnus gets a knee drop for a two count. Doug tags back in and they hit a double back elbow for a two count. Brutus runs straight into a big boot and Red hits a diving flatliner off the second rope.

HOT TAG!!! Suicide gets leg sweep and a craddle on Williams. Suicide hits a spring board back elbow and a Finley roll for a near fall. Red its Magnus with a missile dropkick and a flip dive to the outside on Magnus. Rob Terry distracts the referee and the Guns run in with a double back kick and Doug nails the flying knee drop for the 1-2-3.

Fun little tag team match, nothing overly exciting but fine for what it was, I wish it was McGuiness not Terry as the third man though. (*1/4)

MCMGs and Leathal Consequences confront Sucide: Suicide tries to escape but they hold him back and they are about to remove the mask when Daniels runs out and Suicide and Daniels cleans house with some cool moves. Fun segment.

Another Advert for JEFF JARRET ARGH!!!!! Then a video for Sabin, then a video for the Main Event Mafia?

The Scott Steiner Sit Down: Scott says he's the lion and Sharmell goes nuts and says tell this Byatch to apologise and we get comedy stuff with Scott sandwiched between Jenna and Sharmell.

Kevin Nash vs. No Limmit

What a bizarre match to book. No Limmit hit a poetry in motion style dropkick and then a torpedo dropkick off top. Nash chokeslams one of them and lays in the knee strikes on Yugiro. Nash hits a big side salto on Niato. Nash then hits Naito with a sloppy big boot. Nash removes his elbow protector and hits a lovely Jacknife powerbomb for the 1-2-3.

What a stupid match to book, why on earth they are obsessed with putting Nash in TV matches I don't know. Seriously he should wrestle twice every three months tops. No Limmit who never win but keep getting put in PPV still don't get a win. This match was just so illogical. (3/4*)

Foley does more comedy before AJ cuts a promo: They ask AJ how he's preparing for his I Quit match tonight which came out of nowhere and has absolutely no hype. AJ says he's in the best condition of his life. AJ says he'll never quit. This was just so pointless.


I Quit Match
Jethro Holliday vs. Booker T

Book hits some hard chops and shots to start the match but Jethro no sells and unloads. Jethro hits a back elbow and drops an elbow to the top of the head before closeling Booker over the top rope. Jethro works the crowd but ends up getting dropped throat first on the guard rail. Book then introduces Jethro to the ring post. Jethro refuses to quit. They return to the ring and Booker hits a nice straight side kick and a vertical suplex. Booker then hits a back suplex and Jethro refuses to quit saying "your momma". Holliday replies with some stiff shots before running into a spinning heel kick. Booker asks him and Holliday says Sharmell looks good naked.

Booker misses the axe kick and Jethro hits the sloppiest Mafia kick in human history. Jethro unloads Booker won't give in. Book floats over Jethro but gets turned inside out with a big closeline, Book gets a chair and nails Jethro before hitting the scissor Kick and Jethro says he's done.

Well done Booker you manage to avoid stinking up the ring this week. This match was a fine albeit it ridiculously booked TV main event. Booker actually showed some will to actually create movement. Oh and I think that girl in the front row is really hot, I know I said that already but she is. (*3/4)

Mick Foley and the Saga of the DVD: Mick Foley talks to Keith Mitchell in the truck and tells Keith to play the DVD when he gives the signal. Foley comes to the ring and warns us this DVD is disturbing and then plays the DVD. It's JEFF JARRETT AGAINS WOOOO!!!! Jeff takes us inside the venue where he had his second ever match inside the Asylum where TNA's early years were and where he had his second ever match. Jeff then shows us his dressing room. He then shows Jeff the ticket office.

Finally Mick attacks Jeff from behind and throws him into a variety of objects, they've thrown in some jabs at Jerry Jarrett. Jeff throws Mick into more shit and slams and door shut on his arse. Mick holds the camera while he stomps away at Jeff Jarrett, and yes Mick is gassed from this four minute skit. You get a view of Jeff's arse as they make sex noise. The crowd in the iMPACT! zone boo and shout you suck. The boos sound really canned.

Overall Thoughts: Much like most of TNA, there's probably one or two segments of this show you'll enjoy but unless your either a huge Foley or Jarrett fan this show is just frustrating and pointless. This is exactly like the sketch from south park, where there trying to decide how to deal with the economy so the cut the head of a chicken play the benny hill music and where ever it lands that's the match type we get. Oh the chicken landed on I quit so lets do that. This show wasn't horrible just very frustrating. I'm annoyed I watched it, I had Smackdown on in the back ground and that looked like a great show with Edge-Jericho and brilliantly booked finished that weaved the top three matches (Edge-Jeff, Rey-Jericho, Punk-Umaga) together. Ugh why didn't I watch that, I should have learnt my lesson by now. Watch Smackdown instead. (5/10)