Daveportivo's Cultural Evaluation Facility

We open the show with a video package focusing on Shawn Michaels and Psycho Sid, they talk about Shawn Michaels growing up,"tonight its not about ego...its about justice...tonight the favoured son returns home a man". This was very silly and American but very good. Considering this was when WWE's business was down they drew a hell of a house at the Almo Dome, it looks positively huge. If I remember Shawn Michaels was under the weather for tonights main event, legitimately.

We go to a movie style video with the silly narrator on the Goldust-Triple H feud, its very silly but it certainly helps clue you up on the storylines if you haven't watched this stuff in over ten years.

Goldust attacks Triple H on the entrance ramp to start the match. Goldust touches himself up before unloading on Triple H. Goldust tosses Hunter to the outside and drops him throat first on the guard rail. Goldust gives Triple H a ten punch but Tripper counters with a inverted atomic drop to cut off Goldust's momentum. Triple H goes for the Pedigree but Goldust counters with a double leg trip and a catapult sends Triple H over the top rope to the outside. Goldust then gets the steel steps and throws them on Hunter's back. Goldust rams Hunter back first into the ring apron and Trip takes a first bump onto the ringsteps.

Triple H gives Goldust a jaw jacker and Triple H unloads on Goldust before running straight into a boot. Goldust hits a closeline for a two count and plays to the crowd. Triple H kicks Goldust out of the ring and goes to the top rope and hits a flying axe handle to the outside. Tripper then gives Goldust and Irish whip into the ringpost. Hunter goes fo a running knee strike but Goldust dodges and Tripper hits the guard rail. Goldust then drops the steel steps on Triple H's knee.

They reutrn to the ring and Hunter begins to work over the leg with knee drops and then he slams Hunter down hard and hits a fist drop onto the leg of Triple H. Triple H kicks his way out of a leg scissors and works over Goldust with little imagination, this match is just totally lifeless. Goldust locks on a figure four leg lock to a big pop as per usual. Goldust just randomly releases the hold after bout a minute. Goldust gives Triple H a chop block on the outside and plays to the crowd.

Goldust touches himself up some more before hitting Hunter with a right hand and hitting a knee breaker onto the steel steps. Tripper answers the count at about eight to the excitement of absolutely no one. Goldust attempts a flying cross body and Tripper dodges and Goldust crashes and burns. Hunter follows Goldust out eventually and whips Goldust into the barracade and then introduce Goldust to the steel steps. Triple H returns to the ring and showboats before going back outside to work over Goldust. The referee stops Hunter from using a steel chair.

They return to the ring, and interview a country music singer during the middle of the match! That's just bizarre. Hunter hits a knee drop for a nearfall. Goldust comes back with a flying closeline and unloads on Hunter. Goldust hits Tripper with a back body drop and heads to the top rope, but Tripper crotches him. Tripper goes up to meet him but Goldust sends him crashing down with an uppercut and goes for the flying elbow drop but Hunter rolls out the way. Hunter gets the title belt and then kisses Marlena to send her off the apron, Goldust steals the title and clobbers Hunter with it, 1....2....Hughes pulls Hunter out of the ring. Goldust is distracted and Hunter scores with the Pedigree for the victory.

Bret Hart promises he'll be the last man standing in tonights Royal Rumble. Mankind sees the Rumble as a chant to hurt 30 people.

We then go to the video package on the Nation of Domination-Ahmed Johnson feud. The music volume is far too loud on this show its really hard to hear what people are saying in the video packages,

Johnson spears Farooq and unloads on Johnson to start the match, Johnson hits a terrible shoulder tackle before kicking the crap out of Farooq in the corner. Farooq has to bail but Ahmed follows him and introduces him the ringpost before draggin Farooq back into the ring. Farooq gives Johnson an eye rake and a blow to the kidneys of Johsnson, the crowd chant "Ahmed". Johnson dodges a closeline and hits a flying shoulder tackle. Johnson takes Farooq's belt and whips Farooq "like a government mule". Johnson throws Farooq into one set of Steel steps and then the other.

Farooq whips a Nation member into Johnson and that allows Farooq to take control. Farooq sets up a chair and body slams Ahmed kidney first onto the chair. Farooq then swings the chair and nails Ahmed right in the kidney. Farooq stomps down on Johnson's kidney which Johnson sells like a trooper. Farooq lays Johnson on the top rope and kicks Johnson hard in the kidney. Farooq then asks the crowd whose the badest man is now. Farooq then chokes Ahmed with his boot. Farooq tuns Johnson over pounds him in the kidneys before slapping on a camel clutch, and Farooq continues to jaw with the crowd.

Johnson tries to power up but Farooq cuts him off with a stump puller, Farooq mocks the crowd, and that allows Johnson to score with an electric chair drop, Farooq tries to come off top but Ahmed catches him and counters with a power slam. Johnson goes for what looked like a Thez Press but Farooq counters with a spinebuster. Farooq again tells the crowd he's the baddest man but Ahmed is waiting behind him and scores with spinebuster, The Nation runs in and Ahmed kills them throwing one of PG-13 over the top rope onto the rest of the Nation. That is your DQ finish. One member saves Farooq and Johnson rams him into the steels steps. Johnson then goes up ontop of the Steel steps and gives the Nation member a Pearl River Plunge off the ringsteps through a table.

Terry Funk says he's Texas born and Texas breed and he's ready to Rumble. Farooq cuts an awesome angry black man promo saying he'll see Ahmed Johnson in the Royal Rumble.

Taker dodges a blind charge and unloads on Vader with some big right hands, Taker no sells a club from Vader and Taker hits a flurry of punches on Vader in the corner before applying a choke. Vader closelines Taker but Taker sits straight up, same again with the butterfly clubs, and Vader can't believe it and he bails to the outside. Good start considering the limitations of theses two.

Taker scores with a flying axe handle from the ring apron and then Taker unloads with a pair of uppercuts. Vader gives Taker a jaw jacker and he returns to the ring and goes for a back body drop but Taker counters with a leg drop in a nice spot. Taker then hits a big body slam on Vader and then hits a leg drop for a two count. Taker then goes for the arm wrench and rope walk but Vader shakes the rope and crotches Taker hard and both men are down. The crowd is just dead. Vader then hits Taker with a low blow while the referee is distracted. Todd Pettingale interviews a fan during the match this fan has no charisma and she follows Shawn Michaels everywhere he goes.

Vader sandwhiches Taker in the corner and then hits a Vader splash and closelines down Taker before mocking the crowd. Vader goes to the second rope and scores with a sloppy body check move for a near fall. Vader applies a nerve pinch and the crowd come to life as Taker unloads with a lightening flurry from his knees, Taker then hits a back suplex and both men are down. Taker is up first but he misses an elbow drop and Vader drops and elbow to the knee of Taker. Vader comes off the second rope but this time Taker counters into a snap powerslam.

Taker gets a knee to the gut and goes for a back body drop but Vader counters with a powerbomb but Taker kicks out with authority and then scores with his flying closeline. Taker goes for the arm wrench and rope walk of Doom but this time Taker hits it. Paul Bearer walks down the ramp as Taker scores with a pretty respectable chokeslam Taker says its over but opts to closeline Vader over the top rope. Taker cooly flips over the top rope and slugs Paul Bearer that was very well done. Bearer begs off but Taker grabs him by the throat. Take sees Vader sneaking in and closelines Vader over the top rope.

Taker lays Vader on the guard rail and leaps off the steel steps but crashes and burns onto the guard rail. Paul Bearer jumps off the apron and nails Taker with the urn. Taker is very groggy and rolls slowly back into the ring but Vader lays Taker in position and scores with the Vader Bomb for the 1-2-3.

Steve Austin says he won't be talking anybody until he's tossed twenty nine peices of trash over the top rope. British Bulldog promises he's going to win the Rumble because he's bizzare.

Garza gets an arm drag on Heavy Metal but Metal responds with an arm scissors, Metal works his way into a hip toss and then grabs a side headlock but Garza counters with a back suplex. Ferro tags in and Estrada unloads with some stiff chops, Ferro dodges a closeline and then runs straight into one. Estrada is back body dropped over the top ope and he takes a really cool bump rolling to avoid the impact. Canek adn Guerrera are in the ring, Guerrerra gets a corner closeline, Canek hits a second rope flying cross body. Guerrera comes off top but misses a senton front flip, Canek replies with a sloppy top rope flying cross body.

Heavy Metal and Garza are in the rings, Garza does some silly flips before Metal scores with a spinning heel kick and hand spring elbow. Garza flips over Metal and then scores with a diving Arm drag off the top rope. Garza gets a tilt-a-whirl back breaker and Kicks Metals legs out but he back flips and lands on hits feet. Canek and Estrada are in the ring they exchange monkey flips, then they exchange arm drags and Canek locks in an arm bar. Estrada dodges a blind charge and tags in Guerrara.

Ferro and Guerrera exchange strikes, Ferro misses a Yakuza kick but hits a big bitch slap. Guerrera misses a dropkick and flies through the middle ropes. Canek tags in and scores a closeline on heavy metal. The crowd are absolutely dead for this match. Garza gets a slingshot body splash on the knee of heavy metal. Garza then applies an STF. Ferro tags back in and drops a toe hold on Metal's leg and then scores with a senton back splash.

Canek tags in and misses a horrible looking spin kick Guerrera accidently Yakuza kicks his team mate and the the action breaks down. Ferro hits a terrible Lou Thez press off the apron. Canek scores with a military press on Garza. Garza scores with a twisting body press onto Estrada. Canek military press metal adn then totally blows the double stomp and that's the finish.

Entrant Number One is Crush. Entrant Number Two is Ahmed Johnson. Crush is not a happy bunny when Ahmed's music hits. Crush attacks Johnson as he enters the ring and unloads on the gut of Johnson, Ahmed shakes the ropes and unloads, Johnson scores with sloppy closeline, they then do some truely horrible brawling, I mean bad. Crush pounds away at Johnson not exactly a high impact opening to a Rumble as they've already gone to lame brawling spots.

Entrant Number Three ake Razor Ramon. Fake Razor unloads and then gets tossed over the top rope. Razor Ramon is Eliminated. God that was a horrible idea. Johnson tosses Crush but he manages to fall on the apron. Farooq appears on the apron and Johnson jumps over the top rope and eliminates himself and chase Farooq. The clock is broken!

Entrant Number Four is Phideaous Godwin. Godwin unloads on Crush and goes straight to tame Rumble action.This is well up there as one of the worst Rumble openings in human history. The brawling is beyond uninspired. This is some of the worst brawling in history. This is so horrible, the clock is still broken.

Entrant Number Five is Stone Cold Steve Austin. Godwin unloads on Austin and scores with a big closeline and finally a pop from the crowd. Crush clubs down with no intensity to end the crowds excitement. Austin comes off the second rope and hits a flying closeline and tosses Crush and then gives Godwin the stunner and tosses him too. Crush and Phideous Godwin have been Eliminated.

Entrant Number Six is Bart Gunn. Bart botches a Rocker Dropper and then botches being thrown over the top rope and finally is closelined over the top rope. Bart Gun Has Been Eliminated. Austin does some press ups and sits on the top rope. At least the clock is working.

Entrant Number Seven is Jake The Snake Roberts. Jake throws the snake into teh ring and unloads with a combo on Austin. Jake gets an arm wrench as the crowd chant "DDT" and finally the match has come to life. Austin fires away with some huge rights but Jake won't let go of the arm and powers down Austin. Jake hits a short arm closeline and goes for the DDT but Austin back body drops Jake over the top rope. Jake the Snake is Eliminated.

Entrant Number Eight is The British Bulldog. Bulldog charges the ring and explodes with a closeline and then hits Austin with the running powerslam and then plays to the crowd. Austin is lying on the floor but Davey lifts him up and slams him down hard.

Entrant Number Nine is Peirrott. Bulldog kills Peirrott with a spinebuster and he trade shots wth bulldog taking him down with a closeline. Steve Austin comes off the second rope with a flying closeline and hits Peirott. This is really lame action.

Entrant Number Ten is The Sultan. Steve Austin gives Peirrott a snap mare and the FU elbow. The Sultan nearly tosses Peirrott but he hangs on. Peirrott can't lift the Sultan and instead gets slammed down hard as Austin works over the Bulldogs leg.

Entrant Number Eleven is Mil Mascaras. Mil unloads on the Sultan with a flying chop and he unloads on the Sultan in the corner but the Sultan hits Mil with a sloppy side belly to belly suplex. It slows back down to lame Rumble action as everyone is tied up.

Entrant Number Twelve is Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Hunter unloads on Davey in the corner to the thrill of no one. This is the most dead air I've ever seen in a Rumble Bulldog decides he's fed up and he closelines the Sultan hard over the topr rope. The Sultan is eliminated. Austin nearly tosses Hunter but when he sees Hunter sneaking back in he scores with a second rope elbow drop.

Entrant Number Thirteen is Owen Hart. Mil hits a flying elbow strike on Peirrott. Owen and Austin unload on each other with a flurry of rights and left. Bulldog nearly tosses Austin with a powerslam, but Owen sneaks in and tosses Bulldog apparently by mistake and they argue. The British Bulldog is Eliminated.

Entrant Number Fourteen is Goldust. Austin immediately goes after Goldust and hits a hard corner closeline. Austin gives Goldust a body slam and then a running knee drop. Its generic Rumble action all around, I can't believe this no one is hitting their spots. Austin is the only one even trying.

Entrant Number Fifteen is Cybernetico. Cybernetico unloads with spinning back kicks on Mil. Goldust dodges a closeline and nails Triple H with a diving closeline. This is just terrible action. Owen takes a nice bump into the top turnbuckle. Austin hits a rope rider and then Tripper takes a close elimination. Mil eliminates Cybernetico and Peirrott and then hits a top rope crossbody onto both men eliminating himself. Mil Mascaras, Cybernetico and Peirrott are Eliminated.

Entrant Number Sixteen is Marc Mero. Goldust closelines Tripper over the top rope. Triple H is eliminated. Owen Hart hits an enzenguri on Steve Austin.

Entrant Number Seventeen is Latin Lover. Lover hits a superkick on Steve Austin and then a brutal one on Owen before body slamming him. Goldust nearly eliminates Owen but he skins the cat. Goldust avoids a dropkick from Lover but can't avoid being tossed by Owen. Goldust is Eliminated.

Entrant Number Eighteen is Farooq. Farooq back body drops Latin Lover over the top rope. Latin Lover is Eliminated. Farooq and Austin unload on each other. Ahmed Johnson runs to teh ring with a huge 2x4. Austin then tosses Latin Lover and Owen Hart at the same time. Owen Hart, Latin Lover and Farooq are Eliminated.

Entrant Number Nineteen is Savio Vega. Vega catapults Austin into the top rope and hits a spinning heel kick, Austin dodges a charge and Savio rebounds off the top rope and Austin closelines Savio Vega off the top rope. Savio Vega is Eliminated.

Entrant Number Twenty is Jessie James. Austin jumps him when he enters the ring, James hits the jab flurry and after a little showboating JJ hits a corner closeline. Austin then tosses Jessie James, but he hangs on so Austin Elbows him off the apron. Jessie James is Eliminated

Entrant Number Twenty One is Bret Hart. Austin looks absolutely shocked when Bret's music hits and then he tells BRet to bring it. The crowd go mental as the two men have a monster slugfest. Bret hits an inverted atomic drop and a closeline. Bret then kicks the crap out of Austin in the corner before hitting a hard Irish whip and closeline. Bret then slaps on the sharpshooter.

Entrant Number Twenty Two is Jerry Lawler. Jerry enters the ring by leaping over the top rope and Jerry gets slugged over the top rope and returns to commentary. Jerry Lawler is eliminated. Bret Hart hits the head butt to the gut.

Entrant Number Twenty Three is Fake Diesel. Diesel attacks Bret and introduces him to the top turnbuckle. Fake Diesel lays some knees in on Bret before attacking Austin. Bret tries a pull dog but Austin shoves him off and he hits the turnbuckle hard.

Entrant Number Twenty Four is Terry Funk. Funk unloads on Austin with some head butts. There is terrible dull action going on all round. Terry does a really good tease of being eliminated.Terry then slugs the crap out of Bret Hart. Terry then hits a terrible piledriver on Bret Hart.

Entrant Number Twenty Five is Rock Maivia. The Rock unloads on everybody with absolutely no reaction. Bet nearly eliminates Funk and Terry again teases Elimination superbly.

Entrant Number Twenty Six is Mankind. Mankind rolls into the ring and he goes straight after Terry Funk but he can't quite eliminate Funk who is doing a superb job of teasign Elimination. Austin hits Bret with a vertical suplex and then he clobbers Bret from a mount. Bret locks Austin in a sleeper but Austin counters with jaw breaker.

Entrant Number Twenty Seven is Flash Funk. Bret hits Austin with a lovely piledriver and he follows up with a leg drop. Funk then hits a flying double closeline off top onto fake Diesel and Mankind.

Entrant Number Twenty Eight is Vader. Foley and Funk have a slugfest in the centre of the ring before Funk nearly manages to toss Foley. Vader unloads with a big flurry on Funk before killing Austin with one of his butterfly strikes.

Entrant Number Twenty Nine is Henry Godwin. Henry hits Vader with a big closeine. Bret gives Vader a low blow headbutt. Its tame Rumble action all round.

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Entrant Number Thirty is The Undertaker. Taker unloads on Vader right from the off and slugs him down with big right hands, Mankind gets the big right hands next, Taker takes down Vader and then its Chokeslams for Austin and Vader. Taker clubs the crap out of Fake Diesel and Funk. Taker then gives Funk and Diesel a noggin knocker. Vader catches Funk and gives him a fall away slam over the top rope. Flash Funk has been Eliminated. Taker gives Funk a chokeslam. Bret comes off the second rope with a bionic elbow on Austin. Its back to horrible action all round after that breif period of excitement.

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Funk and Austin exchange stiff chops. Its back to generic action all round. Actually this is sub generic as even bland action in a Rumble is normally fun. Taker grabs Godwin by the throat adn tosses him over the top rope. Henry Godwin has been Eliminated. Rock tries a splash off the second rope but he's met with the manidble claw and Foley forces him over the tope rope. Rocky Maivia has been eliminated. Vader kills Diesel and Foley hits a Catcus Closeline knocking Funk onto the apron he then hits the worst suplex ever to eliminate Funk and then Taker knocks Foley off the apron. Funk and Foley have been Eliminated.

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Foley at Funk brawl around ringside and the officials all try to break them up. Bret Hart tosses Austin but the officials don't see it. Austin sneaks back into the ring and Austin tosses all four remaining men while their distracted. The Undertaker, Vader, Diesel and Bret Hart have been Eliminated. Stone Cold Steve Austin is your Royal Rumble Winner for 1997. Post match Bret attacks officials and shouts at the commentators and Bret is pissed.

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We go to a video package and then an interview with a flu ridden Shawn Michaels, Shawn looks really under the weather but still manages to cut an awesome money promo.

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The do a really great job of making this match feel absolutely huge and epic, Shawn is clearly un well. They go to the epic stare down and Sid tags HBK down hard and Michaels takes the bump nicely, Sid shoves Shawn down hard again, Shawn scores with a flying cross body and follows up with a series of hard head pounds before Mafia kicking Sid straight out of the ring. HBK refuses to take the count out and goes to the outside. HBK unloads and introduces Sid to the guard rail. Sid whips HBK hard agains the ring apron and goes for a military press but Shawn counters with an eye rake. Shawn comes off the top rope with a flying crossbody but Sid counters with a powerslam. Good start, Shawn looks groggy but is selling well.

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Sid locks HBK in the Stiener recliner and as the crowd comes to life Sid jumps on his back and plays to the crowd. Sid then reapplies the hold this is definitely a Sid style match. HBK avoids Sid's attempt to jump on his back this time. Sid charges but runs straight into a big boot. Sid comes back with a hard Irish whip and Shawn does the HBK flip and crashes and burns to the outside. Sid scoops Shawn up and rams HBK repeatedly back first into the ring post.

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They return to the ring and Sid gets a two count. Sid continues to thrill the crowd by slapping on a chinlock, HBK fights out but runs into a huge closeline which Michaels sells superbly. Sid then mocks the cowd to a huge round of boos. Sid gives HBK a hard Irish whip before locking on a bear hug, yes we are definitely wreslting a Sid Vicious match. The crowd come to life and HBK ties to fight out and he does with an ear clap. Sid hits a forearm to the back before reapplying the bearhug. Eventually HBK manages to counter with an inverted atomic drop.

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Shawn hits a diving right hand off the second rope, Shawn comes off the second rope again but Sid catches him yet again with the bearhug and HBK begins to fade, and Sid gets a near fall. Sid then scores with a big leg drop for a near fall. Sid then applies yet another resthold this time a chinlock. Shawn fights out and slips over a body slam and scores with one of his own. HBK scores with the flying forearm and kips up. HBK scores with the picture perfect elbow drop and warms up the band. Sid catches the Superkick and spins HBK round, HBK charges but is back body dropped to the outside and HBK sells it brilliantly.

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Sid follows Shawn to the outside and gives HBK the powerbomb on the mats outside the ring. Sid then chokes Shawn's trainer and his son. Sid then whips HBK into the referee and hits a chokeslam but there's no referee. Mike Chioda runs out but Sid only gets a two count. Sid then slugs down the other referee. HBK takes a camera from ringside and he kills Sid with two brutal shots but there's no referee. The crowd are going mental 1...2...2.9999! Shawn tunes up the band and he kills Sid with a superkick and gets the 1-2-3.

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