Yes I watched Super Mario Bros. the motion picture last night. Now this is a movie that you can tell everything you need know from the poster. You can tell it's going to be inaccurate as all hell (what the hell are they wearing?) and you can garentee it's going to suck. Just read those names under the logo Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo and Dennis Hopper. Holy shit, normally the presence of anyone of these names in a film garentees it will be god awful but all three at once, playing the three leads? Christ. Well to be fair Bob Hoskins isn't a bad bit of casting had it been just him it would have made sense, he looks like Mario, he talks a bit like a New York Mario might talk but paired with John Legui-fucking-zamo!
Anyway I'm not reviewing this film as a critic, it's not that bad, it's a awful B-movie but its no worse than any other movie of it's type and it's relatively short. No I'm reviewing this film as a life long fan of the Super Mario video games. First of it's not as bad as Turtles In Time but my god is it insulting, that film was bad and had nothing to do with the Turtles but this had nothing to do with anything! Why on earth was this not an animation? How could it have worked as a live action it was doomed to fail from the start?
Here is one example of the idoicy that ruined every single kids enjoyment of this film. Take Toad, I'm not a fan of the character but he is beloved by many. First of why on earth is Toad a bad guy? Why is Toad a Human Being? Why when Toad is evolved back does he not turn into a Mushroom man? Why does he turn into a Goomba? Why isn't a Goomba a mean brown mushroom? Why are Goomba's dinosaurs? Why they so tall? Why do they have such tiny heads? Why the fuck does Toad the de-evuloved human turned dinosaur goomba play the fucking Harmonica???? That isn't even the stupidest thing in the film.
Why is Luigi going out with Daisy? Why did they pick Daisy not peach? Who even cares? Why are the Koopa's dinosaurs not Turtles. Bowser or "King Koopa" is not a friggin Tranasuarus rex he's clearly an evil turtle, he has a fucking Shell!!!! A T-Rex doesn't have a giant shell! More to the point why is Bowser Dennis Hopper, just walking around saying ridiculous lines! Shall we look at the lines? Yes lets look:
"Do you know why I like mud / becuase it's clean and dirty at the sametime"
"One Evil Egg sucking son of a snake, did I lie?"
"Hand Out The Devolution Guns! Prepare for Victory!.....Where's my Pizza?"
I couldn't even find the ridiculous quotes, he says some unspeakably lame lines to Daisy something about kissing with Lizard tongues, it doesn't bare thinking about. But imagine as a kid sitting down in the cinema and watching this crap. He's Bowser all he has to say is "Bwhahahaha" and he didn't even do that!
They tease you with the awesome Super Mario music over the credits then it begins but that's the only bit that's remotely good or remotely true to the games. Why are they in New York? Why are they in two dimension? Why have all the koopas evovled? Who cares about evolution? Why aren't there Koopa Troopas that's what I paid to see? Why is the King a big lump of goo? Who is the king anyway? Why the fuck is Yoshi a Veloci-Raptor??? Doesn't even look like a fucking raptor in the game? Why is this film trying to be like Turtles and Mad Max?
Do you know which characters were actually represented correctly albeit not in scale? Bullet Bob and Bob-omb. And their two brief flashes on screen were the real highlights, that's it. The worst abomination is the music, other than using the theme at the beginning their is no Mario music, no remixes even. We get lame goofy B movie kids score, combined with a Dinosaur rap, i shit you not a rap about dinosaurs. Then randomly out of know where we get a bizzare lounge cover of Love Is The Drug by Roxy Music, seriously what the hell?
Really though the film wasn't that bad, it's just mind blowing, how they even got to this point. Did they ever play the game? Or talk to anyone who had? Or do any research? How the fuck did they make this? Dimensional shift? Devolution? Oh I give up....John Luguizamo ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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