Daveportivo's Cultural Evaluation Facility

It's amazing how a simple sentiment, with the right intonation and tone can sum up great swathes of emotion and define a movement. When the Replacements semi-crooned the pharse "I Don't Know" in a nonchalant and disenfranchised tone, they managed to perfectly sum up the feelings of a generation. Better than any raging punk rocker, better than an entire punk rock album, that one chorus captured the zietgiest. That feeling of socio political isolation, of emotional displacement, it was utterly perfect, and truth be told it was done with the tongue firmly in cheek, but it was perfect. Pleased To Meet Me was the work of a band who saw genres and stereotypes and rejected them, they scoffed and turned their noses up. The Replacements will always be considered a punk band, but they were so much more, Pleased To Meet Me shows them skipping around stylisitcally with ease, from punk, to rock and roll, to diseffective alternative, to full on balladeering, to big solos; but they never get lost stretching their creative wings because each song is rooted around glorious melodies and delicious witty ironic lyricism.

It must have been remarkable experience listening to this record for the first time back in '87. Who would you have compared them to? Is this punk rock? Or are they influenced by Poison and Kiss or should that be Aerosmith or is it The Misfits, The Clash and the Sex Pistols, but then there's the big ballads; are they the ice cool credible Bryan Adams of punk? Then there's trumpets, and Nite Club Jitters are they America's answer to The Specials? The solos drop from the 70s to the 80s then suddenly go all Buddy Holly on us, then from out of no where they sound like the E Street band. My advice? Give up trying to define The Replacements, just settle for this simply conclusion they are bloody brilliant. Please To Meet Me is a band at the height of its powers, everything this album touches turns to gold, a collection of eleven sublime tracks immediate and varied tracks.

Sometimes you can tell instantly that your listening to a special album by a truly special band from the very first track, this is certainly true of Surfer Rosa. When the thundering drums of Bone Machine kick the song into life your already on the edge of your seat you know this going to be big. Then immediately it's like nothing you've ever heard before, Joey Santiago guitar comes sliding in and it still sounds revolutionary to this day. They may be rocking one note solos but there's a primal thrill to the Pixies guitar lines, it's an audio assualt. Joey Santiago never really gets the respect he's due as a guitarist, sure technically he's nothing special, but his signature sound is perhaps more influencial than any other guitarist of his generation. Alternative acts still try to simulate the primal sound of Surfer Rosa not to mention a little band called Nirvana who were playing particularly close attention. However after the thundering drums and wailing guitar suddenly it drops away and Kim Deal and Frank Black unleash a soft and sweet hook "Your bones got a little machine" and an alternative anthem was born. I'm not going to wax lyrical for too long about the Pixies trade mark sound and it's influence, as I'm sure you've figured out we'll be seeing them again in this list.

As far as Surfer Rosa is concerned its the moment when the Pixies proved that the rough and ready promise of Come On Pilgrim was ready to be fullfilled, with slick rhythms, killer basslines, crunching guitars, some organised chaos and some of the best melody/screamo combinations in rock history. Yet at the heart of this album it was the two HUGE pop moments that proved the Pixies were for real and set them on route to rock and roll legend status. First came Gigantic, Kim Deal's signature ballad, with crunching guitars and a sugary sweet hook about errh...a black dude with a huge wang, then it was Frank Black's turn; he unleashed Where Is My Mind? A song that needs no introduction, it is the definitive Pixies track and a unparrelled festival anthem. It couldn't get better than this, could it?

So come 1983 and the Police were on their last legs, this would be their final record comprised of original materiel, but how would it fair, they had become a band of declining returns after the early brilliance of Next To You, Can't Stand Losing You, Roxanne and Message In A Bottle. Synchronicity would stop the rot and make sure the Police went out with a bang. Make no mistake this was still the Police, the filler boardering complete and utter wank is still there, I challenge all you to find a single positive thing to say about Mother, but for the most part this was an album that showed of the Police as the mature clever and consistant hit makers. Of course this was the album that spawned the worldwide stalker anthem Every Breath You Take which hardly needs introduction or description. It marked a more moody and considered direction for the band. While gloriously slight and shimmering pop gems like Oh My God and Synchronicity Part I liter the album its the tender moments of the (other) two stand out singles King Of Pain and Wrapped Around Your Finger that steal the show. When Sting's came in with "There's a little black spot on the sun today" you knew it was going to be classic. It's suprising that a band so oft criticised for bland balladry and ska light wankery would finish their career by mastering these dark art forms. I always found it peculiar that a song with such a dark punchline ("I'm always hoping that you'll end this rain, It's my destiny to be the King Of Pain") was built around such a light beat and such a gorgeous harmony, but its this kind of juaxtaposition that not only makes the Police so intriguing but so darn popular too. Synchoronicity starts of like any other hit a miss Police album before going on a truly staggering seven track run of sheer pop genius ending in the sublime Murder By Numbers. So Synchronicity is an apt metaphor for the Police's career, a great start a rocky decline and glorious conclusion.

Sometimes you can tell everything you need to know about an album from the artwork. The sleeve for Nebraska was perfect, shot in monocrhome, its a grainy rough around the edges photo, it's bleak, the sky is covered in thick cloud, the image is dark and haunting, it feels cold and tragic. That picture in many ways does more to describe Nebraska than a million well chosen words could. Take one listen to the albums biggest single the powerful Atlantic City and you should have known something was up, in the back ground gone was the euphoric sax and cheery backing vocals in its stead was the ghostly coos of the backing vocals. It starts tragically enough as Springsteen talks about imfamous mafia killings in Philidelphia, and the tragedy continues to thicken however unlike other Springsteen records there isn't the uplifting endnote of The River; instead solace is found in the desperate hope that "Everything dies baby, that's a fact, well maybe everything that dies someday comes back". Really Bruce, no happy ending? It also features one of my all time favorite Springsteen lines "Down here it's just winners and losers, and don't get caught on the wrong side of that line". It's a work of emotive beauty, and it's no stand out, every second of Nebraska equals its intensity and power.

Nebraska is a stripped down and sparse record, it's Springsteens most intimate and by far his most soulful and tragic. Nebraska is not a studio album, it's a collection of demos that Springsteen recorded and decided to release completely unproduced, and its quite simply one of the greatest decisions he ever made. This is blood and guts music. This for the most part is Springsteen, an accoustic guitar and a harmonica telling some truly heartbreaking tales without a happy ending in site, it's bleak but it's never dreary, this is as thrilling as any record Springsteen has ever released. Springsteen immerses himself in crime and criminality, there's the mafia crime of Atlantic City, the title track sees him telling the first person story of a real life nineteen year old seriel killer. Elsewhere there's tragedy, heartache and even a man awaiting the gallows. It's blue collar, its gritty, in many ways it's classic Springsteen, without the punch and the pizzaz, the spark is instead provided by the strenght and intimacy of the narrative. Nebraska was the third of the three master peices released by Springsteen in the eighties, it's full to the brim with sorrow, it's minimalist, it's bare and it's without doubt the best record he has ever released.

So I decided when I started this list that I was only going to include one Tom Waits album, I'm not sure why exactly, as both Rain Dogs and Swordfishtrombones are gorgeous albums, equally deserving of a place in the top 50, yet I chosen in favour as variation, as both records are seen as part of a trilogy, a song writing movement. So why Rain Dogs? It's certainly less concise than Swordfishtrombones, it's all over the place in comparision, Waits lyrics are often barmy to the point of abstraction. Yet it's these factors that make Rain Dogs so special, it's a bloated epic, it's the insane genius that lerks dark within the depths of Tom Waits cranium set free to run wild, and best of all it has the glorious addition of electric guitar to bring some sex to Waits' wild and imaginative arrangements.

It's amazing that a talent so different, so uncommercial and frankly so left field continues to have such a mamoth influences on modern pop music. Norah Jones ripped half the arrangements on her latest album directly from this record, My Chemical Romance continue to indulge their camp musical theatre sides and Mama feels like a rock re-inventions of a track like Tango Until They're Saw, perhaps most suprising of all the Arctic Monkeys brilliant Humbug is heavily influenced by Rain Dogs. Not simply in it's dark and ominous arrangments, but it seems Mr. Turner has been taking notes of Mr. Waits' rich storytelling devices and his creative abstracted metaphors. Yet let us put influences to one side, because while it's remarkable how relevant Rain Dogs continues to be, there is still only one Tom Waits, he is a true original. His arrangements are darker, richer and more fanciful than any of his peers, it's beyond me to list every instrument he employs across this epic undertaking, and yes note to Mr. White I'm afraid Tom beat you to the Marimba. However as spectacular as Waits musical theatre arrangements are, the strenght of his music with always be his raspy smokey delivery and his superb lyricism. Picking out individual lines is fruitless, as Waits' words are intrinsically tied to his arrangements, they are deep emotive stories, that demand your undivided attention. You'll hang on his every word, because Waits is a truly unique and unpredictable, and Rain Dogs is legitimately a timeless classic, and a triumph of individuality and creativity.

In the four years since the Mercury Prize winning I Am A Bird Now it looks like Antony Hegarty has picked up a few new tricks. His voice is as fragile and beautiful as ever, the arrangments are still sparse and chilling, but Antony has come across the big pop chorus. While Hope Someone... had a haunting chorus that's sheer emotive power demands your attention, the soft coo of "oooh Aeon" is delighful and makes Aeon the most accessible track he's ever written. It's a bit blander than his useful fare, but it sounds gorgeous and if anyones earned the right to make festival sized anthems it's Antony Hegarty.

I have to admit I've always had a soft spot for Pink records, I'm not sure why exactly. She's certainly doesn't have the best songs in the world but I think there's something genuine about her. She doesn't look like your standard pop star, I'm sure the record label weren't too thrilled when they first saw her. When she preforms she has a earnest energy about her, she seems to be genuinely having fun, she's also very self depricating which is always disarms the critic when compared to say, hmmn...Mariah Carey.

It also helps that Pink has consistantly relased some of the best pop singles of recent years. Funhouse is somewhat inbetween, it's not an obvious number one but it is remarkably catchy. It's driven by a sleak creeping baseline, supplied by Tony Kanal former bass player in No Doubt and co writer of this track. This track has some great lines; "Pictures framing up the past, your taunting smirk behind the glass". I have to say this is my favorite Pink track off the new album, unashamedly a guilty pleasures. Great video too.

So it took a car advert to relaunch the careers of Siamian Mobile Disco but boy are we glad to have them back. Granted they weren't floundering, they were big on the london club seen but they weren't getting regular rotation on MTV hits and they probably weren't making that much money. So what of Audacity Of Huge well it's a confused single, it doesn't sound like Calvin Harris at least which is a relief, it's good to see a band stretching out and trying to sound new. However the computer squelching and the retro dance sound hardly screams club banger but it's a passable beat. The absolute show stealer are the vocals, it's the best lyrics I've heard from a straight dance act in a long time. There both witty and heartfelt at the same time, they list all the cool things they have whether it be friendship with "the sultan of Brunei" or whether it be sorbet, however it builds to the touching punchline "I've got it all, yes it's true, So why don't I get you". I certainly know the feeling, a killer track let down by a limp and retrospective beat.

Relapse was pretty pathetic and it's spawned two pretty forgettable singles, one with Eminem's take it or leave it silly voice and one with the faked angry voice. Beautiful certainly feels more real, which is a welcome improvement, but Em doesn't sound remotely inspired. Beautiful is ultimately a passable album track at best.

Pete Doherty will always have a loyal fan base who will devour his every release with relish, but for the rest of us his act is wearing thin. Broken Love Song will restore some faith, it replaces his rosy romanticism for epic tragedy, and as a far as big acoustic ballads go it's pretty good, but that's it, there's little evidence here of a prodigious talent let alone a musical genius. Well worth a download but don't get your hopes up, Pete's always inclined to dissapoint.

Wales has always had a hit a miss record when it comes to producing rock stars, for every Manic Street Preachers there's a Stereophonics, unforunately the Blackout are closer to the latter than the former. Every inch of Save Our Selves is indebted and re-hashed, however what the Blackout lack in creativity they make up for in catchy hooks and crafty melodies. That said I find the vocals particularly grating and wish they had been left in the past as a relic of the early two thousands, yet in certain sections this will go down a storm. This is the sound of a band happy with their sound, happy with the audience and pandering to it. Three albums in you have to ask the question; Is this all there really is to the Blackout?

Amelle never really looked right in Sugababes did she? Like she's was onloan from a modelling agency more than a member of the earthy British girl group. She looks far more natural singing the hook for R'n'B tracks like this one. A month ago I might have let Tinchy off, however after D.O.A. and Jay Z's state of the union address I simpy can't abide this track. As Jay Z said rappers are "T-Paining too much" and Tinchy is more guilty than most. The track is a solid single, but its simply too bland and forgettable for belief. Tinchy's honeymoon period is officially over, right..........now.

Bass Balls is a very hard song to dislike. It's as silly as the name would suggest, driven by a fuzzy bassline, kind of like Eagles of Death Metal on crack....or erh...should that be even more crack, and some nice subtly guitar work and hand claps. It's retro but it's groovy electro punk funk and taken at face value and nothing more, it's an enjoyable single, I've certainly heard worse.

Wow it's been a big week for singles, I've already reviewed eight!!! But I promised to broaden my horizons so I will continue to do so, lets see whats out in Europe this week.

So your formula for evil commercial pop success: Take one hot girl, add one novelty pop hit, cover it stripping it of all it's charm and then get Basshunter to be your producer. The result? Mind numbing cheese.

I sincerly hope this doesn't catch on anywhere, let alone here, as much as I love Dragostea Din Tei it really doesn't work when sung by anyone other than Ozone. "Hello, it's me, Picaso" was a deliciously tongue in cheek moment that could only make you smile, "Hello, it's me, Alina" sung devoid of all charm is just cyncial garbage. Garbage like this should be left in the 90s.

Now the last track I reviewed was technically a cover and I'm supposed to be experiencing new music so I head back to Europe and pull out another "gem". Stamp On The Ground makes me long for Scooter, and that's about all I have to say, and about all this track deserves.

So looking back Whatever... was a historical document, a knife cutting to the heart of modern soceity, a documentary of a friday night out, it was an andrenaline rush, and most of all it was a moment in time. We can never go back, nor can Alex Turner, and he is aware of this fact as we our. Favorite Worst Nightmare proved that Whatever... was no fluke, that we were dealing with a once in a generation songwriter, but it seemed lost in transition, they were stretching their wings, oraganically evolving their influences and incorperating them into their sound, while simultaniously broadening their horizons. One question was left on everyones lips; what next?

Enter Humbug, immediately it becomes apparent that the Monkeys will not be a band content to relive their former glories. Alex Turner certainly subscribes to the creedo; evolve or die. So the first things to note is that the Monkeys have slowed down, right down. They no longer thrash on their guitars like their on caffine trip. So in come brooding sweeping arrangements. Reminiscant of sixties psycholodelia and of course Queen's Of The Stoneage. Josh Homme joins Ford on production duties and you'll soon notice the down tuned bass that drives the majority of the tracks on Humbug. The guitar work is more subtly, full of soft florishes, and layering affects. They have forgoed the immediate thrills of I Bet You Look Good... and Brianstorm for ominous atomspheric brushstrokes. This is no longer hit making, this isn't bouncy guitar to backed up killer lyrics, this is genuine songwriting, this is creating a mood, sculpting an soundscape, it's goergeous and powerful. You are rewarded for multiple listens new tricks are revealed with each and every spin.

As for Mr. Turner, he's no longer throwing out punch lines and one liners, he's instead telling us hypnotic tales. He's exchange his quasi rap yelp for a full on croon. The Scott Walker influences so obvious in The Last Of The Shadow Puppets are still present, with seedy guitars taking the place of lush strings. It's kind of like a brooding Tom Waits arrangement sung by Morrissey in a sheffeild accent and written by Turner. It's not as thrilling as the first time you listened to Whatever... it's a different animal all together, instead of jumping up and down and belting out catching cuplets; you now find yourself emmersed in these glorious musical landscapes and you'll have your mood altered, you fall in love with Turner's croon and become fully engrossed in his richly woven tales.

It's a mark to just how far Alex Turner has come as a lyricist that the punchline "What Came First The Chicken Or The Dickhead?" feels so uninteresting and cheap, it's a great line, but it feels out of place and pales in comparison the lush descriptive lyricism that defines Humbug. Pretty Visitors the track that gave birth to the prior punchline, is the albums most familar and approachable moment, while it bares the dullness of familarity, it still thrills with a haunting guitar arrangement that crunches and growls.

The albums three highlights and stand out tracks come towards the tale end of the album. Having forged a dark brooding landscape; that feels as if you've been cut adrift in a great ocean alone, with no one around, and the thick black crowds gathering overhead; conjuring a sense of great sorrow. We are then hit with three gorgeous tracks, rather than lightening bolts they are a cold and ghostly gusts wind chilling our souls. Cornerstone comes first, with Turner showing us his new powers of imagery;

"I Though I saw you in a battleship,

It's amazing that a track that comes in so softly like a ray of light through the thick and brooding cloud turns out to be so tragic and solumn. It's not cliche to say that Cook's guitar glently weeps as Turner throws out emotive snapshots ("I smelt your scent on the seat belt"). It's followed in short order by Secret Door seeing Turner swapping between croon and yelp, and its the croon that plays for you heartstrings with more heartbreaking storytelling;

"She swam out of tonights Phantasm,

The track builds and builds until it explodes into the huge sweeping ballad that was always threaten on Favorite Worst Nighmare. It's a glorious moment as Turner croons "fools on parade" as the backing vocals goregously coo. It's at this moment that Turner appears a mind out of time, his lyricism has transcended his generation. Whatever... could only have been written in the noughties, Humbug is a completely indefinable.

The album closes with the last of the three stand out tracks the pure beauty of The Jeweler's Hand. It has a bit of everything that has made this record so great, a huge creeping fuzzy bassline, some subtly guitar work, a dreamy (or is that nighmarish) arrangment and Turner's croon is simply a work of art, as he lives us with one last tragic image; "And your a sinking stone...that procession of pioneers all drown". The track builds to the most lush and tragic conclusion imaginable, it's one of the most tragic and emotive peices of music I've ever heard, utterly perfect.

Humbug, ultimately, is a work of art. An album of great scope, it's as dark as they come, desolate and atomspheric, tragically beautiful. Quite simply its the most mature and well crafted work the Monkeys have ever created. The one thing the album lacks is A Certain Romance, there is no human moment, that cuts deep to the heart of modern life, this is not a socail comentary, this as an epic brooding story telling session with ghostly tales of sex and failed romance. Humbug establishes the Arctic Monkeys as the greatest musicians in rock and roll today, it is not their most important work, I dare say it won't be their best remembered, it certainly won't be their most popular, but I can hardly fathom they'll ever forge a work more beautiful than this. A staggering work that must be heard in its entirity, utterly timless.

When it comes to important rap acts no act is more important than Public Enemy, and even when they are writting an incredible pop slice they can't help but lay in a dose of scathing dose of social comentary.

You just had to know that Master Of Puppets was going to be the greatest metal album of all time from the moment the spanish guitar chimes of Battery drifted in. One of the best album openers and songs generally in metal history. I can't help but head bang sitting at my PC.

"Take Me Down To The Paradise City, Where The Grass Is Green And The Girls Are Pretty" a simple wish, an incredible riff, and a stadium rock monster for the ages. Enjoy this performance from the Freddie Mercury tribute gig.

The first real evidence that hip hop could conquer the dance floors around the world, no matter who the audience. With one of the sleakest hooks and some fun laid back rapping.

Perhaps the clearest and most obvious example of the Pixies legendary quiet loud dynamic, I'm sure Curt Cobain must have loved this track. Tame is a monster build to be played live, carried by the best screamer in the business Black Francis. On top of that we have some of the best sex offender vocals too "hips like Cinderella".

Another slice of super party funk, one of the most recognizable openings in rock history. A killer first line "I was Dreaming when I wrote this so kiss me if it goes astray, but when I woke up this morning could have sworn it was judgement day". The ultimate 80s party jam.

Another slice of AC/DC, so cheesey, so corny, so cringe inducing but so completely irresistable.

Just in case you thought the hair metal had gone away its back, what can I say about Jump I think this may very well be the most eighties sounding track of all time.

If your gonna release a song called When Doves Cry it better be damned good, luckily this is Prince so there was nothing to worry about. "How could you just leave me standing, alone in a world so cold, maybe I'm just to demanding, maybe I'm just like my father (to bold), maybe your just like my mother never satisfied" Prince is an original in the truest sense of the word.

One of the big three from The Joshua Tree, a song so big it will never die, no matter how hard we wish it would. Totally inescapable, and as much as it pains me to admit it, this was a slice of pure musical genius.

While its was one of MJ's weaker tracks over all, as a single it was sublime, driven by a killer bass hook, a cool dance routine and a chorus that was simply irresistable. Hell even no talent bums Alien Ant Farm couldn't fail with this track.

The Smiths have a musical legacy completely without parrelled, they never released an album that was anything less than excellent and they consistantly put out the best singles imaginable. That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore was a beautiful ballad that built to the superb line "I've Seen this happen in other people's lives and now it's happening in mine".

A classic slice of riff-o-matic rocking from AC/DC, hardly needs discussion, if this song were by any other band I'd roll my eyes, but there's a honesty corny charm ot AC/DC that makes them irresistable.

Wow you know this list is jam packed with awesomeness when at number 97 the tracks already need no introduction. When it comes to the Jam's best singles Going Underground is only equaled by the sublime Eton Rifles who will certainly be making an appearence in the 70s list.

Norway's Aha didn't have many huge hits, but when they did have hits they made sure they were mamoth in size and scope. The Sun Always Shines On TV is a big shiny super single, the best single Duran Duran never made.

Now I have to admit until aproximately five minutes ago I thought this track was by Grandmaster Flash and Melle Mel, but apparently not, that is a common misconception, this was all Melle Mel. While it throws off what I planned to say, it doesn't alter the fact that this is one of the greatest of the early hip hop records. Years, Years and Decades ahead of its time.

Ah the Misfits along with Portishead top my list of bands that everyone claims to love but who no one actually listens to. Seriously next time you see a guy with a Misfits shirt or poster try and strike up a conversation see what happens. This singles influence far outstrips it commercial success, one of the most important songs in punk history.

Now while this songs "official" release was in the ninities I've included it in the 80s section as realistically that's when it reached circulation and quite frankly because I left it off the ninities list in the release date confusion. Does it need introduction? Its from their incredible debut album, little more need be said.

"The rain rains hard on this humdrum town, this town has dragged you down" what an absolutely epic first line, to a classic single, you know your in the top 100 now the Smiths singles are coming thick and fast. As melodramatic as a song could possibly be, from depression to merriment to tragedy, could anyone other than Morrissey have penned this track?

Oh yes it's that time, it's time for our first slice of Purple Rain, I've criminally under rated this track burying at 91. Trying to synopsize Prince's talents in a couple of sentances is simply impossible, he's too...too good...too multi talented. Here we find Prince in silly fun pop mode only to suddenly drop into guitar god gear and end on a new wave piano line, frankly, he's Prince he can do whatever the fuck he wants.