Daveportivo's Cultural Evaluation Facility

Oh dear, oh dear...I was having so much fun last week reviewing Shakira's shamelessly joyous She Wolf that I thought I'd give Miss Cheryl Cole's debut solo album a spin. It seemed like a rational decision at the time, after all Girls Aloud are superb, they crank out hit after hit and refuse to become stale, after all how could they with the evil masterminds at Xenomania at the helm. Well unfortunately this run of form does not extend to their solo projects apparently, with Xenomania's steady hand removed from the rudder the good ship Cheryl Cole has sailed drastically off course and crashed upon the jagged and unforgiving rocks of bland commercial R'n'B purgatory. The worst thing about 3 Words is how mind numbingly cliché the whole enterprise is, every last second sounds contrived, unimaginative and stale. Yet unsurprisingly as I write these words the abhorrent first single Fight For This Love is smashing all known sales records. It seems every time that pop takes giant strides forward, it has to crash back down to earth in one big plastic lifeless thud. It seems almost tragic that in the year of Lily Allen, Shakira & Lady Gaga where pop's creative dominance seemed unparalleled the forces of bland conservatism would get the last laugh. 3 Words takes pop back to the 1990s; it's vacuous, soulless and completely abhorrent. It's a complete case of style over substances but this isn't the style of London Fashion Week, Camden Market or even a Damien Hurst studio this the fashion of ASDA, Top Shop and Primark. It's scenesterism at it's worst, it's tragic, it's cringe inducing, and all in all its unrepentant crime against humanity.

3 Words is buried from the word go for two reasons; first the choice of producer and second the song writing. Will.I.am of Black Eyed Peas shame is head producer and his influence is apparent across the whole record, he supplies the flaccid beats that suck all the life and joy out of each and every track. Every second of this album sounds flat at best and dated at worst. The album's title track sounds vacant and dead, with it's pulsating Euro-dance beat laden over a choppy synth crunch, while Cheryl flatly croons "I Luv You" with all the emotion of a Keanu Reeves monologue. However 3 Words is so bland it has a vague subversive edge and it actually ends up being one of the albums better tracks, but believe me that is no compliment. Yet while Will.I.am's beats maybe limp they aren't nearly as horrid as his attempts at rapping, the man has no swagger whatsoever. Instead he repeats basic sentiments and loops key phrases in true Black Eyed Peas fashion, this is lowest common denominator stuff, any lout can shout along, take a look at this sample verse from Boy Like You:

Unfortunately the sheer idiocy of the lyricism is not limited to Will.I.am, Cheryl herself can muster no better. It's apparent from word go that she didn't write a single line on this LP, as no self respecting woman possibly would. These are lyrics that men wish women would say, it's so plastic, false and devoid of real attitude. Boy Like You sees Cheryl begging to Will.I.am, who positions himself as a sex god, next to the feeble Cheryl who seems awestruck by his sheer testosterone. Parachute sees Cheryl telling us how she's fallen completely in love and she doesn't need a parachute or seemingly any will of her own because her knight in shinning armour is going to come running to save her. She's so fucking dependent, all she wants to do is hold hands, and be saved, I thought she was supposed to a Love Machine who didn't need No Good Advice? what happen to that feisty northern lass? This Cheryl promises "I won't fall out of love, I'll fall into you". On Heaven Cheryl takes it a step further where she's sitting at home alone waiting for her man, staring lovingly at her husband photo, it's enough to make you vomit. Seriously, her husband is Ashley Cole! The guy who cheated on her with two women and isn't Cheryl meant to be the tough girl who knocks out other chicks in nightclub bathrooms? Where the hell has that girl gone?

Cheryl Cole is single handedly setting women back a hundred years with this vile insidious bile. She's cast as the barbie girl, completely dependent, all starry eyed and placid. I'm sure some guys find this a turn on, but I can't believe any self respecting woman could possible enjoy this record. This is the year where Lily Allen tops the charts belittling men for being crap in bed, too dependent and too clingy, this is the year when Lady Gaga has turned her aggressive sexuality into a weapon of mass destruction and Shakira has transformed herself from a pop sweet heart into an insatiable She Wolf; however unfortunately Cheryl has opted not to follow these trailblazers and has instead thrown her hat in with Mariah Carey, Fergie and Take That, with bland playing it safe damsel in distress plastic pop. It's truly sickening.

Next to the boring repetitive R'n'B monotony of Rain On Me, Fight For This Love actually sounds like a revelation. It's not surprising that Fight For This Love wasn't produced by Will.I.am or Taio Cruz as it actually has a bit of vigour about it. It's still pathetic, with it's twinkling sparkly keys and the mind numbing echo effect of her vocals, but it's one of the rare moments on a vapid album were Cheryl actually sounds passionate. When she belts out the chorus it feels as if the plastic smile has been wiped off her face and she's ready for war, unfortunately is preceded by a horrid pre-chorus that strikes at your gag reflex with unrelenting fury. However the track on the whole is subversive and by the time the giant bass drum has kicked in for the final chorus the track is pretty irresistible. Despite it's best efforts it's still not very good, but unlike the rest of the album it doesn't feel dated or grating. The same can not be said for the Will.I.am penned Make Me Cry which while it at least sees Cheryl attempting to have something resembling self respect still manages to fail miserably with a unimaginative chorus and some disastrous lyricism: "Stop Trying, Because I'm Dying, D-D-Dying, yeah". It doesn't surpass the all time lyrical lows set by The Black Eyed Peas but it's damned close.

Remarkably the best track on the entire album is Heart Breaker, a single released by Will.I.am last year. It's an unmistakable success because it revels in its own moroseness. It's so ridiculous, and so silly it becomes utterly infectious. Will.I.am doesn't run from his own stupidity, he doesn't try to sound cool, instead he embraces it making every single line call and repeat. It's absolute genius, we've all heard of call and repeat choruses but whose ever heard of a call and repeat, verse, bridge, chorus , middle eight and fade out? Seriously, it can't help but make you laugh, it's a brilliant marketing ploy, everyone can sing this song, all you have to do is listen to the last line and repeat it instantly. Ultimately that is the level that 3 Words aspires to, it makes no effort to be sassy, cool, rebellious, powerful, meaningful or vigorous; instead 3 Words has one simple goal, to sell records. Every inch of this record is contrived and heartless, it's completely flat, it's totally bland and it's more simplistic than your average nursery rhyme. At it's worst 3 Words is utter drivel, an album written by a selection of untalented chauvinistic men who have a view of women that's more reflective of the 1920s that the 21st century. It's preformed by a soulless hack who struggles to emote, who has absolutely nothing to say and no voice of her own. It's tired, lifeless and devoid of any creativity. 3 Words is all the worst elements of pop music thrown together, it's a record that proves all those moronic clichés used to discredit pop music right. Oh and at it's best 3 Words is annoying and occasionally catchy. Most tragically of all Cheryl Cole's debut is everything that Girls Aloud aren't, proof Cheryl really should stick to the day job, unfortunately looking at the early sales it looks like she won't be returning any time soon. It turns out Cheryl Cole really could use some good advice after all, although on this evidence she wouldn't listen anyway.

Download: Love Machine, Biology & Wake Me Up (or if you must sample this abortion of a record just stick with Fight For This Love)

If You Liked This Then Consider: Suicide or Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel -Mariah Carey (I know which option I'd take)