Daveportivo's Cultural Evaluation Facility

So Calvin Harris is a pretty hateable guy lets face it, he's pretty much a one man blandification machine. However that said it'd be fool hardy to deny that the man knows how to make a club banger. However Ready For The Weekend is stuck between modes, it starts a low fi, retro down beat dance track before exploding into a bland but big euphoric Basement Jaxx's lite crescendo. It's neither here nor there, it doesn't satisfy enough in either direction. The big hook ensures huge radio play but this track just isn't as subversive as his usual work. You get the feeling he was feelingly quite brave and planned a retrospective nerd pop anthem but chickened out and slapped on the *yawn* Ibiza chorus. It'll probably go to top ten, but nevertheless, you must try harder Calvin.

Ah Beyonce she has given us some fantastic pop singles over the years, Crazy In Love and Deja Vu have set an implausibly high standard for her future work and I Am Sasha Fierce has yet to deliver the supermassive single (in the UK anyway). Diva was forgetable, Single Ladies was regretable and well the other two singles have been take it or leave it ballads. Sweet Dreams has a hell of a hook "We can be a sweet dream or a beautiful Nighmare", and a big sleek MJ style bassline, but it never catches fire. It's an okay single, but it's just okay, it's an improvement on her recent singles but that's it. Beyonce used to tred the line between sweet and sassy, this album has either had one or the other, but it hasn't brought the two together succesfully. Ultimately there's a lot to like about Sweet Dreams, but little to love.

Okay it appears that Bloc Party and Calvin Harris are having a contest over who can have the more inane retrospective keyboard line. Who wins? No one, they both lose. The guitar, synth line is more interesting, but Kele's vocals are incredibly bland but somewhat subversive. This is without doubt the laziest Bloc Party single I've heard, they've played with the arrangement a little but it feels like Kele is on autopilot and could have written this track in his sleep. It's certainly danceable, but it leaves you feeling unsatisfied, this track could really do with a remix. Even at their blandests there's something intriguing about Bloc Party, but if they carry on like this the novelty will wear of fast. Fine for the dancefloor, not one for the headphones.

I officially can't wait until the next decade, we need a new trend, because I'm officially bored of jaunty guitar lines. I'm not the only one, even Alex Turner and co have moved on, so it's time to leave this stuff behind, Lets push things forward. White is a record that feels completely unnessecary its about as creative as a Jean Claude Van Damme movie but not nearly as thrilling. The mermaidy (yes that's my adjective and I'm sticking to it) chorus is slightly intriguing, but this track is a four minute yawn.

This track had a weird effect on me, I really liked the sleazy first verse, I was actually getting excited, was Preston going to write a perv pop anthem....well no. Unfortuantely the chorus is a complete abortion, and it's all down hill from the first thirty seconds. Make no mistake this is a vast improvement on the Ordinary Boys, but that's not saying much. A brief spark of promise, but all in all, this is the sound of someone trying way too hard.

So it's a big American story telling anthem, no this isnt' a track from Sam's Town, it's the latest single from Day And Age. It's big and it's epic, the music hits the crescendos at the right time, but it lacks the humour of Sam's Town and Mr. Flowers just doesn't have the same turn of phrase of the Boss or even the Gaslight anthem. Time to put the sequin waist coat back on methinks.

Great I need cheering up after Flo Rida and I get Athlete, oh the joys of being a critic. Seriously this song is so bland it makes Scouting For Girls look like King Crimson. It's bending over backwards and beggining for love, but it's simply too cynical and unispiring for even a passing glance.

Okay this is getting quite depressing I had high hopes for this weeks singles. Have you heard an Elliot Minor single before? Yes, then it sounds the same as all the others. No, then don't bother your not missing anything.